Comic horoscope. Funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac. Comic horoscope. Favorite food of Libra and Scorpio. They like sweets or savory foods

funny horoscope 3.40 /5 (5 votes)

Aries is an emotional bastard.

If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.

Taurus is a greedy bastard.

Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".

Gemini is a careless bastard.

She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues ​​the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"

Cancer is a miserable bastard.

Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"

Leo is a pompous bastard.

Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."

Virgo is a vindictive bastard.

In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and don’t let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"

Libra is a mercantile bastard.

Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.

Scorpio is a top notch bastard.

A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.

Sagittarius is a bastard.

A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.

Capricorn is a stupid bastard.

Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".

Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday man. But what about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We have not forgotten about them, and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests on the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is the exit of an astrologer who reads out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but then questions arise - why is a gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy in such a block would not be very appropriate. The third option is to read astrological forecast the leader himself. This is in case there is no way to make a scene with dressing up. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to show this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with some joke predictions that you can use on anniversaries.

Comic horoscope 1.
The first version of the comic horoscope is written by the guests themselves. Everything is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows the game called - missed adjectives. And in this game, we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a prediction that doesn't have names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to name in turn the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names in the forecast in turn. Next, read what happened.
An example of an email with omitted guest names:

“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock, Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will come out from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) will join the rest under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At the same minute (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! - falls face down in a plate of salad. When the Ursa Minor appears in the sky, then (guest's name) will start looking for a warm place to rest and will find it on a large and cozy chest (guest's name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical pause will begin. And (guest name) will be the first to enter the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (guest name) shouting - Bravo! - will run out onto the stage and arrange a wild dance with striptease elements. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - my God! This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time, (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - he will drink a glass of vodka and gently lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with the fact that all the stars will appear in the sky, and under their influence (guest's name), together with (guest's name), they will sing a duet song - Mom Lyuda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will shoot them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and mock them!”

Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or create your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone may be offended, then it is better not to enter his name in the forecast.

Comic forecast 2.
The next forecast for guests is the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called - a hangover forecast!

And so, dear guests! A moment of attention. Today we all walk and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, does not think about what will happen tomorrow morning with each of you. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened out and prevent you from passing through the doors.
Taurus - do not think that if you drank activated charcoal before the holiday, then everything will be fine with you. You will still see this coal, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini - don't be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who looks exactly like you!
Crayfish - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering tonight and your cries - pour, drink!
Lions - in the morning you will let out such a roar that the neighbors each neighbor will bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgo - do not go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with the fact that you will weigh and figure out how much a normal person can drink, and how much you drank.
Scorpio - as soon as you wake up, immediately hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone all day with your sting.
Sagittarius - it is better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by on a hangover.
Capricorns - in the morning a surprise awaits you - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of tonight and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent like a fish.

Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:

Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless funny and the guests will like it. To make this horoscope go with a bang. Do this:
- name the sign of the zodiac and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:

Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcohol!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the sign of the zodiac and the guests under this sign get up. They pour glasses and you read their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
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Cool horoscopes for the signs of the zodiac seem ridiculous only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself "sinks" into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty answer in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is really a truthful and exact science.

And it is with the help of cool horoscopes that it will be easy for you to study astrology and delve into its basics. And you don’t have to memorize or drive anything into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon, everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called "insight." And all thanks to the fact that you just love to read funny horoscopes!

Start with a simple example. Find out, what horoscopes do you prefer different signs Zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.

Aries looking for the most obscene horoscope. Well, what? What else to hang out with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially delivers to him when he is not scolded much, but everyone else - in full.

Taurus treats horoscopes without much confidence and never allows them to influence his life. But financial and money horoscope sometimes he still reads. But only in order to once again make sure that you are right.

Twins absorb all the horoscopes that meet on their stormy life path. They forget them in exactly one minute - for this reason they do not believe in them.

crayfish, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they can be offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.

a lion accepts only those horoscopes that exalt him. If you read aloud to him - just skip the "uncomfortable" places, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed to you.

Virgo in general, he does not believe in horoscopes, but he will read a medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will bring them to life, and if they seem like nonsense to her, she will reject them with indignation.

Scales love horoscopes love and romantic. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between the signs of the zodiac. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner for themselves - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to a large number of factors.

scorpions first of all look at horoscopes sexual and erotic. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. Then they will definitely try the information received on their partners.

archers they love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their head for a long time. And they often understand them in their own way - in their favor.

Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and to everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and you need to be guided only by common sense.

Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively memorizes them. Especially appreciates comic horoscopes with caustic jokes. Likes then to quote them at the most inappropriate - from your point of view - moments.

Fish they believe in everything in general - in signs, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They adhere to what is written so fanatically that they bring to life everything they read. Naturally, for them, horoscopes turn out to be one hundred percent correct.

copying prohibited

The plant was also a provocateur. This is exactly that terrible person who takes half the office to the bar on Fridays, and then the frightened wives and husbands of his colleagues catch the latter in parks, other people's apartments or the next bars in a row. What about Aries? But nothing - it was his business to start and quit, and if they got so wound up - that's their problem)

“Where have you taken us, Susanin the hero? - Leave me alone guys, I'm here for the first time .... - a situation typical of Aries, especially when traveling, on vacation and on vacation. Moreover, Aries often leaves the situation to others to get out of the situation, saying that he is sick / tired / suddenly stupefied, etc.

Aries, by the way, is one of those who considers the “I was drunk” argument to be quite weighty and understandable for most “normal people”, and interestingly, he is often excused for this, although then they think for a long time - what prompted it?

It's simple - childish spontaneity. For this, you will forgive Aries everything - and the fact that he brought you to the wrong place or at the wrong time, disappeared, got drunk, brought strangers, or even forgot you at the station at the beginning of the journey)

But then, having got out of all these stories, you will remember the antics of Aries with pleasure, especially when 10 years have passed and you will be sitting by the warm stove in complete safety. After all, you will always have something to remember if you have ever rested in the company of Aries. It doesn't matter if he was there or not.

Taurus

Well, for starters, you can’t just relax. Before that, it is necessary to work hard to the seventh sweat, present labor achievements in expanded form to yourself, colleagues, relatives, the Lord God and in general to everyone who gets caught), so that the whole world knows that Taurus has earned his rest and has the right to it!

But then the question of preparation for the rest arises. And even if it's just a day off - you need to think over the menu, choose the appropriate music / movies / book, finally change the curtains (and at the same time wash the windows, change the linen, rewash everything), raise everyone's mood (to yourself too), then aaaa .... If time and energy remain

With his ceremoniousness, Taurus can bring to white heat everyone who, together with him, tuned in to rest. “It’s better not to put shoes there, there is a special spoon for this dish, be sure to pass the fruit dish to your neighbor, oh, you crumpled the tablecloth, I’ll fix it right now,” etc. In general, if you live with Taurus, sometimes it’s easier to close yourself in the bathroom for relaxation. Then you can already behave indecently at your pleasure)

Holidays and celebrations Taurus begin to plan ahead of time. After all, you need to take everything into account: think over the menu .... (in general, you already understood, I think). But if it comes to vacation at all, then I assure you, it will be the best and highest quality vacation in the entire Zodiac! But sometimes it happens like in that joke about two Estonians: “- A good New Year's holiday, right?” - "Yes, but intercourse is better" - "Yes, but the New Year is more often")

Twins

In general, if you want to go somewhere or go somewhere, then it’s better not to argue with them, but delicately drag them by the hand in the direction you need. All the same, it will not be ideal, but to admit that their life is not ideal - Libra will not want to, and therefore they will try to pass off the real as ideal and honestly rejoice at it)

Good day!
Whatever a person says about whether he believes in horoscopes or not, but a look at the articles of astrologers is no, no, but it will run through, even out of pure curiosity. The essence of each sign of the Zodiac can be found in the characters of films, in the heroes of fairy tales and books. This time, astrologers decided to draw an analogy of the zodiac constellations with representatives of the Slavic evil spirits. Find out what evil spirits you are according to your horoscope!

Aries - Serpent Gorynych
This three-headed character of fairy tales is just as restless: he either tries to burn down the village, or defeats the hero. The fire that he sprays around him is similar to the energy of Aries - if he does something that a light burns in his eyes. Tyrannical, always knows everything better than others. I’m not used to listening to other people’s advice - where can I go, because he has three heads of his own!

Taurus - Brownie
He also takes care of his home and really dislikes when someone invades his personal space without permission. Calculating and practical, he always finishes his work to the end. He likes to eat delicious food and at his leisure to drive the inhabitants of the house. Good-natured Skoda, in a word!

Gemini is Leshy
He is able to persuade, bewitch, subjugate and impose his opinion. Listening to it all the time is simply impossible. Sometimes from his speeches you want to run deeper into the forest and get lost there, not being afraid to get caught by the formidable Serpent Gorynych.

Cancer - Kikimora
This is a kind soul, but too sensitive and emotional. For any reason, she runs to Leshem, so that he reassures and supports her. According to a comic horoscope, Kikimora is a very thin nature, lives in exceptionally clean reservoirs with hundreds of leeches, which she loves to take care of.

Lion - Cat-Bayun
He feels very wise and dignified, and therefore he has acquired an old oak tree and a golden chain. The cat loves to give advice, loves to help and show his generosity. And what fairy tales he tells about himself - you will listen! In order for Kot-Bayun to always be in shape, you need to not only feed him with sour cream, but also praise him, stroke his head and admire him.

Virgo - Baba Yaga
She seems to know everything! Cynical, prudent and practical. He loves his hut on chicken legs and carefully ensures that the stove is constantly burning, and the heroes are not transferred to dinner. He knows a lot, and can help, he will always ask for something in return. Remembers all debts.

Libra - Ivanushka the Fool
Simple, trusting, kind to disgrace. Everything in his life develops until he reaches a fork with two signs. Indecisiveness and his doubting nature leads him to meet with a frog, although he could have chosen a swan princess.

Scorpio - Mermaid
In the comic horoscope of evil spirits, she appears as a mysterious, attractive, vulnerable and emotional person. Complex nature, it is not so easy to find a common language with her and like her. So if you are a simple Goblin or Brownie, you are not on your way with her. Vengeful, sometimes ruthless. It is not worth it to cross the road - it will drag you to the bottom of the river and make you its fun.

Sagittarius - famously one-eyed
Positive - despite the fact that he has only one eye. Kind - believes in a brighter future, despite the fact that it is called Dashing. Romantic - and flirts with Kikimora, and with the Mermaid. Insightful - with his own eye he sees much more than the rest.

Capricorn - Koschey the Immortal
The same impregnable, closed from the outside world and stubborn. He gave all his needles in eggs to the poor a long time ago, but he continues to claim that all his good is hidden somewhere on Buyan Island. He just likes to create intrigue and mystery around himself. He does not show emotions, but he is very afraid that someone will overthrow him from the throne.

Aquarius - Nightingale the Robber.
The whistler is still there! Knows how and to whom to whistle for his own benefit. Freedom-loving, independent, talented and resourceful. He prefers to walk alone, but never forgets about his friends - Lesh and Kikimore.

Pisces - Water
A philosopher, a thinker who constantly asks the sad question: “I want to fly, why can’t I?” But, unfortunately, he does not find an answer. Sometimes the Waterman comes to pity even Kikimora, who nevertheless finds words of support and perfectly understands the Waterman. The water man lives in illusions and can’t understand one more thing, why doesn’t anyone hang out with him, except for Kikimora, of course?

Thank you for attention!