Mother's horoscope Capricorn. A playful horoscope with mats about the signs of the zodiac

Scorpio and Aries are the most vulgar signs of the zodiac.

The sign of the zodiac, no matter how many inhabitants of our planet deny it, has a huge influence on the fate and character of a person. The sign of the zodiac is the sign under which at the time of the birth of each of us, there was the Sun. The second in terms of influence on later life is the date of birth. This, so to speak, is what influenced the decision to single out two of the twelve signs of the zodiac and enter them into the category “The Most dirty zodiac signs»

Astrologer's advice: Contemplating cosmic bodies late in the evening or at night, you can find out the answers to various dilemmas, even without having special skills. Use this opportunity in confusing situations.

It would seem why Scorpio fell into the category of "The most dirty zodiac signs"? Yes, all because, after a lull, they have a storm of passions. And here it is no longer clear whether the chosen one or the chosen one was lucky. These are the Scorpios, quiet at first, but it’s worth cheering them up and that’s it ... it’s not so easy to get rid of them. Personalities who were born under the sign of Scorpio incinerate their soulmate faster than they charm her. Pretty difficult scorpions, created specifically for those who are not looking for easy ways. But with all this, this applies to all representatives of Scorpio, intimate relationships are in their first place. The Scorpio woman loves to talk about all sorts of vulgar things. She also likes to recall past relationships, thereby causing jealousy in her current partner. Although it does not immediately turn out to liberate her, but if it does work out, then she will love you for life, and you will love her too. Another of the pluses of the zodiac sign is the seriousness in relationships. From birth, at the cellular level, they have a certain goal to continue their kind. As you can understand, Scorpios are good companions for family life, you just have to get through to their "cold" heart.

Astrologer's advice: Naturally, take into account that an individual horoscope from an astrologer gives a maximum of information that cannot be understood from general characteristics.

Seeing an Aries in the list of "Most dirty zodiac signs' is not surprising. After all, this is a sign of fire. Fire is associated with warmth and passion. But why didn't other signs of fire make it to this list? Most likely, because they are just obsessed with intimacy. All the vulgarity is in their brains. In addition, the Aries personality is stubborn and likes to force its opinions on others. The next feature of the sign is selfishness. Well, it's hard not to understand why. Yes, and conquering Aries is not so easy. For example, for an Aries woman, it is necessary to show and convince her of her authority, strength and confidence. So weak, defenseless, slobbers can bypass such women. With all this, no matter the man or woman, Aries will be the main thing in the relationship. The disadvantages of this sign is that Aries are usually fickle, windy. The reason for this may be the monotony, simply saying they get bored. Therefore, if you decide to have a relationship with a woman of the Aries sign, be prepared to constantly surprise with something. And this concerns, first of all, actions, rather than the vulgar side of relationships. Like all people on Earth, even like Aries, sometimes you want banal care, home warmth and comfort.

All people are different, so to say that Aries and Scorpio are the most dirty zodiac signs, and to argue that such an opinion applies to all representatives is stupid. This is just a generalization. Although these conclusions are made on the results of experiments. But you must admit that that thousand people is far from all and not even a part of all.

Aries Baran - he is a ram. Always right and wrong. It’s easier to kill right away than to start arguing with him, because it’s possible to outguess Aries only in one case - if he is deaf-blind, armless and legless disabled (and then, there is a huge chance that even in this case he will still show you a fig). But Aries are honest. Sometimes they are so honest that it even reduces their teeth: they will answer with the utmost honesty if a haircut does not suit you or the dress is full. There is nothing you can do about it, you will have to put up with it (or kill, as mentioned above). In domestic affairs, Aries, as a rule, is useless - he can only generate brilliant ideas, and he tries not to defile the soles with the ashes of being. However, if you let Aries know that Sagittarius washes the floors better than him, he will lie down with bones, an infection, but every Saturday your parquet will be rosined, because there is no thing in the world that Aries would yield to Sagittarius. It is never boring with Aries - this sign has some kind of karmic talent to seek adventure in its beautiful rear. He knows how to make money easily and quickly, but he hates the loot as a proud and principled type, so he tries to get rid of it instantly. Because of the impenetrable blabbery, he forgets about the stash, which is very helpful to the heart friend of Aries, especially if this friend is Gemini.

Taurus

Taurus is a scribe and I have nothing more to say about this sign. Even more stubborn than Aries, but does not have his charming casual sloppiness. Plyushkin, who is able to lovingly store any unnecessary junk in the house for centuries, is very surprised when they try to put all these broken transistor receivers, ball bearings, rags, waste paper and other crap in the trash. He is constant in his attachments, including to human junk, which is why he is unhappy in love, alas. Suspicious to the point of horror, jealous, never an innovator, so at first glance it may seem like a dull eccentric. Secret pervert. Sex loves until he loses his pulse. He is distrustful of new people, but for old friends he will tear the last calico shirt on his chest and a hair on his pope. Why the hell a torn shirt for friends - in principle, he is not capable of thinking. An altruist, although he constantly gets punched in the face for it.

Twins

Gemini is very cool if he is one, and quite a paragraph if there are at least two of them. They can talk non-stop for at least three days and never repeat, which is generally cool, but sometimes tiring. Gemini is usually envied by everyone, because he is a reaper, a reader, and a player on the pipe, in other words, there is a plug in every hole. But no one realizes how difficult it really is for Gemini to survive and choose in this vast world of possibilities - it always seems to them that life is passing by, even if they are up to their ears in events. He loves sex, eating and getting new information - best of all at the same time. For this he is reputed to be a pervert, although in fact he simply saves time. Phenomenally lazy, ninety percent of his hectic activity unfolds only to be finally dumped from him and left alone. It gives the impression of a balabol and Vasya in general, although in fact it’s not a fool to read in between the chattering of Kant and Kierkegaard (reading often still accompanies idiotic laughter and interjections like “yyyy”, which looks very nice, because Kierkegaard’s humor can really only be found Twin). Sentimental as the last port ... mmm ... a girl of easy virtue, believes in romance, although she constantly denies it and defiantly bares her teeth at those who talk about it. In love, he is usually unhappy (one wants to say - because he believes in romance), because only Aries can endure the extravaganzas of idiotic fun and cheerful idiocy constantly arranged by Gemini, and Aries is not enough for all Gemini.

Cancer

Cancer is a suspicious schmuck, constantly annoying with all questions like: "what if I sit in the jacuzzi after Pedro-Francesco-Figozvondo, I tend to constantly imagine the end of the world, be afraid of my own imagination, fall into hysterics and resort to the Virgin for consolation. Disgust, on a desert island he will definitely die of hunger, because he is physically unable to gobble up a product that is not wrapped in polyethylene, but lying, say, under a palm tree. what he tried so hard in general in vain.Women-Cancers are just those who watch porn with the hope that in the end everyone will certainly get married. themselves of everyone except Taurus - they are even more boring in matters relating to their own body.Loyal, because they are afraid of chlamydia and trichomoniasis.Prone to drunkenness and philosophy, both of which usually do not lead Cancers to good.

a lion

People are divided into two classes - the retinue, which is allowed to the body, and lackeys, on which claws and teeth are sharpened. An egoist, of course, but you forgive Leo egoism for his holy and unshakable faith in his own drop dead. A lover of flattery, an infection, with the help of it, anything can be pulled out of Leo. Magnanimous and not a fool to laugh at himself. Everyone else should refrain from mocking Leo if there is no desire to spend the remaining hours of painful existence in intensive care with a stake below the back. Rude, but elegant. He is able to trample anyone up to his ears in poop, which he sometimes does out of pure curiosity and a childish desire to "behold". Barin in everything. The partner unambiguously makes it clear how awesome happiness came to him in the form of a Leo and requires an appropriate treatment. Do not mind if in everyday life his name is simply the Almighty. True, however, a friend, loves to give expensive and valuable gifts, so that everyone once again imbued with his awesomeness. He likes to eat, sleep and tryndet, which is why he often makes friends with Gemini. Unbearable in large quantities if you are Virgo, Cancer or Pisces.

Virgo

What can be said about the sign, when dry science has already said everything for me? Virgo is the most cruel and inhuman sign of the zodiac. According to international statistics, most psychopathic maniacs grow just from Virgo. Able to smile affectionately at you, and in my head draw a delightful picture of your intestines tied to a chandelier. I'll give you a secret - all the little Virgos plan to become the Black Lords of the Planet in their childhood, and when they grow up and realize that they were deceived, they become just heartless monsters and poison with their pedantry and love for law and order (and the roots, of course, are still from Universe) the existence of literally everyone who is lucky to live with Virgo on the same territory. The Virgo wife is the woman who makes your bed when you get up at three in the morning to pee. The Virgo man is the scariest math teacher you can imagine. Control freaks, of course. They love according to the schedule, because everything must be in order. He does not explain the reasons for his actions to anyone, the reason for this is, again, megalomania, taken out of childhood. However, it can also go to the other extreme - not to put yourself in a penny and in general every day pretend to be a victim and a lamb, which makes those around you terribly. In general, by the way, she likes to play on the nerves of loved ones and begin to suffer in public, and she herself usually believes in her suffering, which causes her to get sick and wither away. It is useful in everyday life, because she knows and knows how to do a lot of all sorts of tricks (she learned while she planned to become the Black Lord). In general, you can live with it if you totally abstract yourself and remove weapons from the house.

Scales

In short - the esthete of figs. Seven Fridays a week - and there too: Picasso, Gauguins, figuins, oh holy art, and he won’t guess to take out the trash cans with him. Not before. Throughout his conscious life, he has been rushing about in search of a bright ideal, so he does not find time to learn how to cook or sew on buttons. He likes to dress up, and at the same time he will get everyone around him, choosing between the one with mother-of-pearl buttons and the one with silk stitching. Not a fool to go to the left, while he can have a permanent partner and explain betrayal by the fact that he is always faithful to the One / oh with his soul, and the body is so, the essence is fetid dust. He is chasing peace of mind, which, in principle, is unattainable for Libra, because the walking nature always outweighs highly spiritual ideals. Like all indecisive hoopoes, he often suffers from nervous diseases like psoriasis and gastritis. Envious, but not malicious. It usually looks gentle and sad, awakens a dangerous desire to caress and take under the wing, which you should not do in any case, because Libra's brain can endure better than all other signs combined. He is in constant cognitive dissonance between reality and the desired, because he is a sucker.

Scorpion

Terrorist lover. When there is no one to love, the brain begins to love. Usually to yourself. Constantly gushes with all sorts of crazy ideas, narcissistic to the point of horror, all day long he is ready to stare in the mirror at his own reflection and state with a touching smile that there is definitely no more beautiful in the world. Hysterical, and not even shy to flaunt it. In life, he is only interested in sex and himself, at least in people who are interested in him. Good-natured, if you do not try to borrow dough from him. By the way, he loves money almost as much as he loves himself and knows how to earn it. There are no hidden forces, it is almost as difficult to get information out of Scorpio that he does not want to disclose, as to marry a fifty-year-old virgin. Two-faced, constantly torn between high ideals and the desire to make someone a bastard. In the desire and ability to break through the wall with his forehead, he can only be compared with Aries, he often chooses the same stupid goals, but does not back down from the principle. He stoically endures all the bad things that constantly happen to him, because he knows he deserves it. In general, it gives the impression of a barmaglot - terrible, loud, contagious, formidable - but in the soul a true shushpanchik.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is another zodiac scribe. The personal opinion of Sagittarius is bound to become the ultimate truth for everyone who happens to be nearby. He expresses it willingly, often, and even when he is strongly advised not to do this and in general they threaten to smash his face for this. He is sincerely perplexed if he is offended for this. In general, an infection is a very lucky sign in life, which somewhat compensates for the constant lack of dough. Sagittarius, despite the tendency to accusatory verbal monologues, usually has many friends who feed and warm him, wretched. And all because he deftly knows how to pretend to be a pussy, especially when his mouth is occupied with grub. The main drawback is that he can’t shut up in any way, telling everyone the truth about everyone, therefore he is able to blurt out too much, for which, again, he is often beaten. Prone to all forms of drug addiction, as well as religious fanaticism, which is essentially the same thing. Kind, but figs you will immediately understand.

Capricorn

At first glance - a sad miracle. Capricorn's motto is this: no matter how sucks I feel today, tomorrow will probably be even worse. It disguises itself, an infection, as a vigor, so as not to rake for the gloomy expression of the face, but still rakes. Happiness Capricorn comprehends in only one way - plows like a damned one. An idle Capricorn is a dead Capricorn. If he is deprived of the opportunity to work, he will still come up with a bunch of strange activities for himself, because Capricorn cannot achieve Zen without work, and Capricorn who has not reached Zen is Cancer. Do you need it? At first it seems meek and even tame, but at the first opportunity it will hit you with its clumsy horns, it will do it with special pleasure if you are Gemini or Leo - it cannot stand these signs for playfulness inappropriate to the status. Cunning. Stingy - but not always. Feels best in an embrace with a money bag. He likes to tease, he cannot stop even when the situation is heating up, but he does it so skillfully that he himself goes nuts when he comes out dry from the water. In general, not a dirty trick, although it looks like it. In choosing partners, he is guided mainly by common sense and calculation, therefore, in family life, an infection, he is happy like no other.

Aquarius

Special signs - everyone, well, absolutely everyone likes it, like the notorious chervonets. In terms of potryndet it is a worthy competitor to the Gemini, to communicate, even in an unfamiliar company, it is torn like a sailor long-distance navigation to the red light district. It always looks slightly collapsed from oak, and this is what fascinates. A light veil of freakiness gives Aquarius an inexplicable charm that attracts stupid enthusiastic fans to them. Even if in the life of Aquarius everything goes through nowhere, he manages to give out advice to those around him, which, like an infection, work. With all the visible and tangible fluffiness and awesomeness, he is potentially a great criminal. Always a swindler, even if only in dreams. There is no Aquarius without criminality in the dark past, the law breaks completely without remorse and even, I'm not afraid of this word, with pleasure. At the same time, he understands perfectly well, unlike the same Gemini, that he does not act kosher, but he does not care. Outwardly, they look like a cross between the Mad Hatter and Marilyn Monroe.

Fish

Fish come in two varieties of species: fiends of hell in their own unscrupulousness and faithful, truly kind, with unshakable morality angels. Moreover, vile Pisces, as a rule, are forgiven everything in life, while the angel-like Martyr Fish irritate the townsfolk with unattainable holiness. It can be scary to go to the left, and it is more difficult to catch a Fish in fornication or make it confess to it than to see a wrinkled sour. Until the last, you will look into her honest, tear-filled eyes and believe, believe. hellish pangs of conscience they have - a common thing, and sometimes they suffer to the heap and for what they did not do. They tend to idealize people, and then resent them for being hoopoes. They can, for no reason at all, begin to take revenge on the world around, abstractly. They are touching in their illusions, and even when they turn out to be infections, you still involuntarily forgive them for their global inability to live in our material world.

A matte horoscope about the signs of the zodiac is an opportunity to see the corresponding description from the other humorous side, and you can draw some conclusion, because in every joke there is a small percentage of a joke, and the rest is true. We hope playful horoscope with mats, will cheer up every visitor, just do not need matte horoscope about zodiac signs taken literally, this is just a joke and entertainment.

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The present

Future

• Scorpio can rightfully be called a fucking terrorist, because he not only fucks his own brains, but also everyone around him. This is a narcissistic type who constantly scrolls delusional ideas in his head. It’s better not to fight with this goat, since such fucking can be delivered at the most inopportune moment, which will be remembered until the end of days.
• Aries is one of the most active signs, constantly preoccupied with creative and sexual ideas. Although he is a ram, he doesn’t back away from the gate, but immediately runs up against them, which indicates his high degree of crazyness and perseverance. Since childhood, the Kamasutra has been a reference book, but, despite the study of poses and pictures from early childhood, in sex he is like an unbridled horse, modest and hurried, in general, he fucks like a rabbit. As for work, his hands grow out of his ass, he cannot do anything on his own, he is only able to give birth to innovative ideas.
• Taurus is a slob, a rare mudlan and a brake. He is more stubborn than a sheep. Plyushkin in life, collects and accumulates all his life some kind of junk and shit, which a pancake will never come in handy. Constant attachment to anything, including various rubbish and "shit" makes him unhappy in a love relationship. This is a hidden pervert who, when drunk, reveals his talent as a sexual innovator. In general, the calf is jealous to the chapel. He is distrustful of new acquaintances, but for friends he is ready to tear the last shirt and give the last goat.
• The sign of the twins has collected all the possible perversions of the world. He loves extraordinary sex more than anything in the world, and loves to experiment with all kinds of partners. The twins can never be found sitting still, as they have an awl in the pope. This sign can talk for hours, and can fuck about anything, forgetting, initially, how the conversation began. Twins make awesome journalists and paparazzi. Drugs are tried to get new sensations, but professional drug addicts do not come from twins.
• Cancer never has problems with money, but, despite financial well-being, he always cries to others: “the scribe has come ass.” Cancer, you can often find him sitting in a corner, minding his own business, he never picks up anyone, so it is very important for him to be thought of as a fucking pepper. Cancer has a special flair for diseases, so they make excellent charlatans, swindlers and "psychics". If cancer is not professionally realized in life, then the meaning of one's existence begins to be sought in a bottle or a joint.
• Lions make awesome bosses who decently and generously worry about the fate of each subordinate. When it comes time to pay off those who worked up a sweat, they, like generous leaders, share the income fairly, and even, in rare cases, of course, during the salary, they are allowed to fuck booze right at the workplace. Lions, like cockroaches, climb from all cracks, trying to get to power. Lions. They are well versed in fashion and various bohemian shit.
• Virgos are true workaholics who are always drawn to work. In sex, this sign is a real plowman who, without a break, will fuck in all holes. He is very afraid to get cunts from friends, so he always controls his market. Virgos are able to do several things at the same time, experiencing an incomparable orgasm from this. Virgos do not abuse dope and vodka, as they fill their brains with knowledge. Violent terrorists are obtained from the representatives of this sign, since the virgins have the deepest knowledge in the natural sciences.
• Libra is a sign that finds a positive moment in any situation, so they never experience deep depression, and a wide smile is always stretched on their face. Many people, when meeting with representatives of this sign, think that they are constant patients of Durka. Scales have unique creative abilities, they can mold anything from the dermis. For Libra, the greatest test is the choice of something, they always think hard and for a long time over this dilemma, in the end they always excuse themselves with a banal phrase - “I should still think about it.”
• Sagittarians are never at home, they are constantly looking for adventure on their dick. They hang out in a variety of places from bars to the Amazonian jungle. The thirst for new knowledge pushes the archers to various countries, and the infinitely inflated self-esteem is the reason for the pizdyulin, which he receives very often. Sagittarians do not know how to refuse people, for which they often suffer, if you ask them for help, they will gladly pour out a handful of dough, and sometimes for free.
• Capricorn is a sign that loves various parties, and in his company he chooses those people who meet certain criteria. This restless sign is constantly pushing up, achieving certain heights, there are no barriers for it, whether it is a rock or a service ladder. Calmly perceives criticism in his address, as he knows his own worth.
• Many representatives of the Aquarius sign are real sloths, in order for Aquarius to start doing something, he definitely needs to be kicked in the ass. Can slap specific pizdyulin, with a specific collision. Thanks to the out-of-the-box thinking that comes from getting stoned, Aquarius is able to give birth to brilliant projects that can benefit society. Representatives of this sign sincerely wish all people well, and they do not care what others think of them.
• Pisces are always looking for easy ways to solve a problem, but if they don’t find such options, they choose the path where you can get less pizdulin. Representatives of this sign are creative people, they feel good in acting, where you can live someone else's life. With drugs, fish need to be extremely careful, because, having experienced the taste of dope, they hammer their dick on others.

Playful horoscope with mats- this is a great mood for people who understand jokes)))