Psychology of living with the unloved. How to live with an unloved husband? Advice from a psychologist, to live with an unloved person. Disappointment in marriage: the main reasons

It seemed to you that you had so much in common with your chosen one ... Every day spent together gave you a lot of pleasure and an unlimited amount of positive emotions. Thundered, you visited an exotic country during a romantic vacation, and gray everyday life has come ... As it turned out, you have many differences, his actions are increasingly disappointing you, and compliments no longer cause the same delight. What happened? Isn't this your person? And how to live with an unloved husband?

Disappointment in marriage: the main reasons

Are you disappointed in your marriage? If so, don't make hasty decisions. Reflect on the reasons for such a sad reality. Identifying the source of a problem is key to solving a problem. These include:

1. Unfulfilled expectations.

Some women already after believe that they have found their ideal. They completely indulge in developing relationships and fixate only on the merits of the chosen one. His shortcomings seem to them insignificant and trifling. Girls even believe that they can easily fix the existing flaw. As a result, the man turns out to be not as wonderful as the woman imagined. Moreover, he does not intend to change and work for himself. The myth of an ideal life partner collapses in an instant, and a feeling of depression appears.

1. Gray days.

During dates and romantic evenings, it seems that the whole life will be so fabulous and wonderful. Does marriage make a difference? Even after marriage, in the first months of married life, you are in an atmosphere of love and romance. However, the idyll does not last long. A man starts working, you take care of the house, and gradually elevated feelings become more mundane. There is not enough time or energy for romance. Such a prose of life becomes an unbearable burden for you.

1. unexpected problems.

The disappointment of many women is also associated with new difficulties and problems for them. A serious illness of loved ones, financial difficulties, debts - all this contributes to the appearance and even inexplicable grievances of spouses. Tensions in relations are heating up, they arise. Family life is on the verge of collapse.

1. Interpersonal gap.

If the problems are not solved, then you are even more moving away from each other. Injurious words cut into the memory and do not leave you even in moments of truce. You do not have common activities, everyone is in their own shell. The consequences of such a distance are catastrophic: from betrayal to divorce.

1. You are so different.

During meetings, each of the young people tries to be better. They give in to each other, captivate with what is interesting to a loved one. After marriage, everyone finds a bitter aftertaste of difference and disappointment. Spouses differ in the way they express themselves, and what caused only fleeting discontent now seems to be an unbearable burden.

Do not look for an exact copy for yourself! All people are unique, and it is not interesting to live with a person who is very similar to you.

Is it worth it to live with an unloved husband?

Finding herself in such a difficult situation for herself, a woman begins to think about. There is a feeling of doom and self-pity. Such thoughts are especially pronounced after another family quarrel. But what to do in such a situation? You should think about the cause of the problem. Think wherever you go, with whomever you start a new relationship, you take yourself everywhere! Or maybe the problem is not a life partner? If you solve the problems that have arisen in a radical way, similar problems will arise with the new chosen one: material difficulties, differences in opinions, hobbies, daily routine.

Bright reasons why you should not leave an unloved husband:

• Additional difficulties and problems. One of the properties of our brain is to store only pleasant memories in memory. A few days after the breakup, you will feel like you made a mistake. Therefore, take your time and do not make hasty decisions, as your actions affect the life of a man and children.
• You have to start life from scratch. During your married life, a lot of things united you, but after parting, you will have to re-acquaint yourself and even change your job. It's not as easy as it seems.
• Divorce affects children. Some couples learn understanding just because of their child. While this should not be the only reason, the results can be positive.
• The problem is not so significant. At the moment of a serious quarrel, we cease to control ourselves, which is why thoughts of parting appear. The next day, the difficulties already seem not so insurmountable. Therefore, try to stop in time and stop the quarrel. Only in a calm state make important decisions in your life.
• With another person, the problems may repeat. Difficulties in marriage are the merit of both spouses, and not just your husband. Therefore, such conflicts and quarrels in relationships often arise with a new lover.

Of course, to live with an unloved man or not, each woman decides on her own. But the main thing when making a decision is to be guided not by fleeting feelings, but by reason.

How to live with an unloved husband?

Do you have now? Are you constantly thinking about divorce? Then start reviving relationships with the help of useful tips:

1. Focus on the positive.

Make an effort to see good qualities in your husband. Think about why you fell in love with this person, what initially attracted and impressed you? Write down at least 5 positive qualities of a spouse on a piece of paper and during disagreements, reread the merits and remember the happy moments of married life when a man showed these qualities. Invite your husband to renew the relationship every day to find the positive in each other. As a result, you will find peace of mind, and thoughts will be directed to the positive!

1. Think about children.

Every quarrel between parents negatively affects the psychological state of children. The child unconsciously absorbs the way of thinking of moms and dads, and then manifests them in adulthood. Children equally love both parents, therefore, because of the slightest disagreement, it is unreasonable to part.

1. Spend more time together.

During meetings, you spent a lot of time alone and even purposefully allocated it. Such moments make your life brighter and richer.

To rekindle the old relationship and bring romance back into your relationship, purposefully set aside time for communication. Spend a lot of time alone, without friends and children, as if you have a date.

1. Look deeper.

At the moment of a quarrel, we have deep and pain because of the act of the spouse. But think, did he do it on purpose? Soberly assess the situation and try to see the true motives of the man.

Learn to see the difference between your feelings and your husband's intentions.

1. Start with yourself first.

You will not be able to change a man, no matter how hard you try, so start working on yourself. Any marriage can be happy, but only on one condition: if each of the spouses will make efforts to save it.

If everyone thinks about what they personally do wrong, the gap in the relationship will gradually begin to decrease.

1. Be realistic.

Have the right view of family relationships. Do not expect ideal thoughts and actions from a man. Everyone makes mistakes, including you. It is normal for you to have disagreements, and it is not a matter of having them, but of your ability to quickly resolve problems. So don't give up and practice!

1. Talk about your feelings.

Your spouse may not be aware of the negative emotions that have accumulated in you. Why don't you tell them directly? It is better to do this in a calm environment and on the same day, while negative emotions have not accumulated to an even greater extent. Be sensitive to the feelings of others, listen carefully and ask for forgiveness.

Stop playing dumb! Talk about your feelings and experiences, and then it will be much easier to find a way out of the conflict.

When getting married, every girl thinks that this is forever. But after the wedding, it becomes clear how different people you really are, and his innocent habits began to annoy you. Where has love gone? The question involuntarily arises: whether to live with an unloved husband or file for divorce.

What's in the article:

The main reasons for disappointment in a husband

Feelings are gone, and disappointment has settled in their place. But do not jump to conclusions and make decisions. Think about what caused the situation. The main thing is to identify the source of constant irritation and dissatisfaction with her husband.

Unfulfilled dreams

Many women, having met the man of their dreams, imagine him in their fantasies as some kind of ideal. They rush into the abyss of a new romance and see only the positive features of their chosen one. Character flaws are sometimes considered a trifle that can be easily corrected. As a result, the girl gets a husband whose image is far from the ideal drawn in her head. All attempts to change a man lead to failure. A beautiful fairy tale collapses in an instant and disappointment comes to her husband.

Gray everyday life

As a rule, dates and meetings before marriage take place in a romantic setting. It seems that life next to this man will be like a fairy tale, in which a woman will be a princess. After the wedding, the first months of life together will be filled with love and romance. But soon, the pink fog dissipates, ordinary everyday life begins. The husband goes to work, you keep clean, cook food. The routine of daily chores absorbs love and romanticism. Life becomes ordinary and begins to burden you with its dullness.

Unexpected Problems

Many women become depressed at the first difficulties of family life. It can be a disease of a loved one, financial difficulties, debts. They throw out their dissatisfaction on the already unloved husband, take offense at him. There is some tension in the relationship, which results in constant quarrels. A woman faces a choice whether to live with her unloved husband or not.

interpersonal gap

When there is no mutual understanding between husband and wife, the solution of the problems that have arisen is very difficult. The accumulated discontent and difficulties alienate the couple from each other. The words spoken during a quarrel remain in the memory for a long time, they sit there like a sick splinter and do not give rest even in moments of peace. You no longer have common hobbies, everyone is doing their own thing, practically not communicating with a partner. This behavior can lead to divorce.

How can you live with a husband you don't love?

Often there are moments when a woman is ready to leave her unloved husband, but for some reason does not do it. The reason may be material dependence on a man or even physical. When it is impossible to overcome such attachment, then you need to understand how to live with an unloved husband.

Nature has arranged it so that women are more emotional than men. The feeling of love can cause them a storm of various emotions. It can be passion, tenderness, and sometimes pity or even hatred.

If you do not feel negative emotions for your unloved husband, then try to reduce communication with him. Work, children or a favorite hobby will help with this. You can go on a trip or to a resort. Some women devote themselves completely to household chores, trying to be the perfect hostess. There are quite a few methods for getting rid of the problem, but this only works when you have the moral strength to hide true feelings for your unloved husband, pretending that you love and appreciate him.

When life with an unloved husband becomes unbearable, then you should not torture yourself and it is better to leave. In this case, psychologists give advice to speak frankly with your spouse and explain the situation. There is always a way out, the main thing is that there is a desire to look for it.

Reasons for the existence of "indifferent" marriages

So all the same, how to live next to an unloved husband? The advice of psychologists in this matter can be divided into two opposite camps:

• Some say that it is possible, and sometimes even necessary, to endure and live on for the sake of preserving the family. The main thing is to prioritize and highlight for yourself the main goal for which it is necessary to maintain an indifferent marriage.
• The second argue that such a relationship is doomed. Do not waste your life and the life of an unloved husband in vain. It is better to leave, go through a divorce and devote yourself to new feelings and emotions.

Divorce is not uncommon in today's society. Passed love, went to the registry office and everything, long live freedom. But life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. There are a number of reasons why a woman lives with an unloved husband, not daring to divorce:

• The wedding was arranged by the parents. Wildness? But even today it is not uncommon. In some countries, there is still a tradition when the marriage is arranged by the parents. Rarely love breaks out between husband and wife. Most often, a couple is forced to get used to each other and live without feelings.
• Divorce is a disgrace. In this case, religious views do not always play a decisive role. In some families, the breakup of the family leaves a stain on the reputation of the whole family. Relatives give advice on how to save the family. People think about what kind of resonance a divorce will cause among fellow villagers or neighbors. Think about the question, for whom do you live, for yourself or the people around you? Life is one, and, unfortunately, it is so short that you should not waste it on an unloved husband.
• Fear of loneliness. Some women underestimate themselves. They believe that the appearance is not the same, and the character is not the same. It is impossible to divorce an unloved husband, as you will have to live out your life alone. Psychologists say that you should not be afraid to be alone. In the life of every person, without fail, sooner or later there is a person with whom you want to live your whole life.
• Preservation of the family for the sake of the child. This is a fairly common occurrence. Often in such families the child is exalted above all else, and all forces are put into gratifying children's whims. A woman has to decide how to live with an unloved husband for the sake of a child who is acutely aware of the tension between the parents. As a result, a woman will harbor a grudge against her own child, for a failed personal life. Perhaps it would be better to divorce an unloved husband and start looking for your happiness.

Checking the Feelings

After several years of marriage, the relationship between husband and wife takes on a different form. The old passion subsides, and new emotions come to replace it. This often happens after the baby is born. Many women are frightened by such changes, starting to think that they have stopped loving their husband. But this is absolutely not true. Over the years, love takes on new forms, it becomes better, stronger. Relationships become more trusting, sometimes similar to friendships.

In such situations, psychologists give advice to check their feelings. It's pretty easy to do this. Imagine that your missus has a mistress. What feelings arise in your soul? Or the husband left forever in another city. Will you follow him? If you are willing to stand up for your happiness, then love has simply taken on a different form. If the fantasies did not cause any emotions, then love is gone and you need to decide to live with your unloved husband or leave.

Having understood your own feelings, it is important to make the right decision. Living with an unloved husband or starting to build a new happy life is up to you. Be happy!

Youth is full of temptations, passions, passionate love, bright hopes, but, unfortunately, it is also fraught with dangerous traps. When we are young, we make a lot of mistakes, fall down, dust ourselves off and move on.

But sometimes rash acts can become fatal, the full severity of which we are given to realize only after decades of delusions. For some, this period begins at thirty, and someone realizes that the model of life acquired in youth does not suit them, closer to forty years.

Marriage is a very common way to “settle down”, which is what the vast majority of people on the planet come to. There is nothing special about marriage, except for one important thing - love.

However, an incredible number of people will confirm that the quivering feeling does not withstand even a five-year period.

But the mythical importance of preserving relationships at all costs, even if they have become obsolete, makes millions of families live in marriage only out of habit.

Why do we keep living with the wrong people?

There are a huge number of factors preventing a radical decision to break the bonds of marriage. As a rule, only a strong and self-confident person is able to put his interests above his own fears. This is especially true for women who perceive the world more subtly and sensitively.

Determined women do not wonder how to live with an unloved man for the sake of a child or for some other reason. They strive to find the best way out, in which everyone will be as happy as possible. But the weaker woman continues to live in her terrible marriage, crying quietly at night, afraid to get rid of her own insecurities once and for all.

Women are often prone to excessive self-sacrifice, and marriage to an unloved person for many becomes voluntary hard labor.

Puzzling over trying to figure out how to live with an unloved husband and why to do it, let's try to concentrate on the reasons why this happens:

Unhappy marriage, life with an unloved husband for the sake of a child - why is this happening?

Sometimes, a woman sacrifices herself for the imaginary happy future of her children. In her opinion, the life of a son or daughter will not be complete without a father. The word "divorce" sounds like a magical curse that can destroy all hopes for a brighter future for the younger generation.

Therefore, many ladies even try to avoid the thought of such a dubious decision and daily perform the ritual of sacrificing themselves in an unhappy marriage.

To the question of how justified such a sacrifice is and whether the child really needs it, stereotyped thinking is not able to answer. After all, the omniscient society has already given all the answers for us.

But if you think for a second about the children themselves and their perception of the situation, then you can understand that your imaginary victim does not go unnoticed by them. Children often very subtly feel vibrations of energies barely noticeable to others, and the complete absence of sincerity, warmth and mutual understanding in the family will definitely not pass them by. Now imagine that your already adult child learns that he became the root cause of many years of suffering for his own mother.

How do you think he should feel?

Many ladies, after years of feeling the burden of their mistakes, try to shift the blame onto the children, but in response they will hear only one thing - the child did not need your sacrifice at all.

Such a decision, how to get rid of an alliance with an unloved husband through divorce, most often is not an option. You deprive the child of the opportunity to see and communicate with his own father. It often happens that it is after such a difficult period for all that the relationship between fathers and children becomes stronger. However, if the spouse does not show initiative in relation to the child, then do not hesitate for sure - you made the right choice.

Moreover, marriage to a new person, based on sincere mutual feelings and respect, can also be positive for children. After all, true love is not senseless sacrifice, but the desire to please and give warmth.

To make a decision, to start living in a new way, whether it is necessary to stay with an unloved husband, only you will. Don't let fears, insecurities, public opinion, and even those close to you hold you back from choosing your own future.

If you were able to endure years of living with an unwanted man, then is the breakup so terrible, which then opens up tremendous scope for action for you?

In addition, relatives, relatives and friends, although they will not support your radical step, will certainly share all the difficulties with you and help you go the way to renewal.

Life in a state of continuous self-sacrifice will sooner or later squeeze all the juice out of even the strongest woman. But are the ephemeral perspectives and opinions of those around you worth your suffering? Live for yourself and remember that life is change, without which it is impossible to move forward.

We met, got to know each other, liked each other ... You meet, get to know each other, have a good time and, it would seem, everything is fine. So it seems at first glance. After some time, you decide to get married, everything goes according to plan ...

Wedding, honeymoon, gatherings of newly-made relatives are already behind. Ordinary, domestic family life began. It is she who shows the real picture of feelings. Unless, of course, initially there were no doubts about the latter. And if they were, then it confirms them.

To marry (marry), by definition, it is necessary only for your person (beloved, the best - as you wish). If at the beginning of the relationship there was no such opinion about the person, I have bad news for you.

As the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak said, touching on the topic of marriage and divorce: "Most people get married for any reason except one true one - to start a family."

I can't help but agree with him. Indeed, many people register marriages because: it’s time (age), parents (relatives) insisted, the girl got pregnant, it’s necessary (like everyone else), parents promised to buy an apartment, someone’s business is promising, it’s customary for normal people and so on - there are a lot of reasons, and they can be quite different.

So, normal people don't do that - they don't do that. They seriously approach the issue of creating a family as a separate, smallest, but comfortable cell of society. And this is accepted by people who are psychologically immature, unprepared, irresponsible for themselves and for their lives, infantile personalities.

If you are adequate, psychologically mature, mature and responsible for yourself and your life, then you will not marry just because: it’s necessary, your parents said, everyone does it, etc. And, moreover, you will not seek to officially (and not only) connect your life with a person just because it is good with him or even because there are no other candidates besides him. An independent and mature person is responsible for himself and for his every action, not to mention serious changes in his life. Infantile, frivolous, irresponsible and frivolous people are not capable of this - they choose what is simpler - and thereby shift their responsibility to others, allowing themselves not to think about anything and not to worry. But you still have to worry when problems begin - and they, as a rule, begin sooner or later ...

What to do in this situation? Of course, blame everyone else! And again, shift your responsibility and your mistakes to someone else. This is how mentally immature people think. Something doesn't work? So of course the wife does nothing (I have a less decent expression on my mind). Husband does not earn, drinks, walks? Yeah, he turned out to be a jerk, who knew ...

Closer to the topic - the described couple of examples are far from the only ones that exist, but they describe the essence - if something goes wrong, it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t stick, then the only one who does nothing is you. And the same with the jerk - I have not the best news for such a person.

No one is immune from mistakes, wrong choice, circumstances. No one is born initially absolutely mature, wise, responsible for his life and himself. They come to this. Over time, but come. And everyone has a different time. Of course, there are those who do not want to learn anything, do not want to change anything and let everything go by itself.

In the above situation (if any) there are two ways.

The first is to remain the way you are, constantly shifting responsibility for your life to others, while not forgetting to blame them for all your failures, somehow trying to live on, constantly complaining and blaming everyone around (the easier way, the usual for a person who is not ready to accept the truth as it is and begin to change).

The second way - it's more difficult - to face the circumstances and the truth, realize your mistakes, understand which decisions were wrong, what all this taught you and start changing yourself and your life - slowly but surely. Strive to be an objectively evaluating person - actions, deeds, decisions. Become an adult, independent of other people, adequately and soberly approach everything, begin to take responsibility for your life and every action you take. Gain courage and leave the unloved person, admitting your mistakes. Break off long-outdated relationships that bring nothing but negative emotions. You can continue the positive criteria for quite a long time.

Everyone chooses for himself.

But, returning to the topic of why you should not connect your life with an unloved person, I will continue.

Living with an unloved person is quarrels, scandals, resentment, omissions, unwillingness to develop and be better, constant reproaches, consolation in friends / girlfriends / alcohol, anger, hatred and everything that comes from this - everyone has different ways and manifests itself to varying degrees .

If at first it was good with a person, but there were no strong feelings - the best thing you can do is run away right away. Without looking back and without stopping. If, however, he was “lucky” to stay and tie his life with this person, then an obviously unenviable fate is expected. Everything is always good in the beginning. And there are no problems, none. But they start later ... When life comes into force, a person no longer wants to try for you and shows his true face. But he doesn’t want to try and work on relationships for only one reason - there is no love. Most likely, both on his part and on yours. At least on one side, for sure. Simply, it was convenient. So it was necessary...

And then the family life of two supposedly loving people begins to turn into hell. Not literally, but psychologically. It is possible that it is also physical ... It is easy to determine this - all sorts of garbage begins (I apologize for the not quite correct word) in the form of changed / swelled / does not work / yelled / saws / hysteria / infuriates and all that. It's best to leave at the first sign. Immediately and forever.

For people who really love and strive to protect each other in a relationship, this does not happen. They have warmth of feelings, care for each other, understanding, mutual support and, of course, true love. The real one, yes. It happens and is (although it is much less common). They had it first. And it goes on...

Of course, people who love each other also have problems in relationships, but because they love and appreciate each other, all problems, difficult tasks and situations are solved calmly and deliberately from both sides, everyone's opinion is taken into account.

His person, beloved and loving - will appreciate, cherish, take into account the opinion of a partner, love not only with a word, but also prove his feelings with deeds (by deeds, whatever). And just such a person is worth waiting for - consciously and meaningfully, without clinging to dubious personalities on the path of life.

Life with the unloved (oops) is not a joy. This, I think, is known to most adults. I don’t know the author that I really liked the phrase: “Now you are 20, 30 years old and you have found a person for living together - this is certainly good, but think about when you are 50, 60 years old - will you wake up one morning with the thought that practically most of your life has been spent with an unloved person?Won't you understand that you don't love this person who lives and sleeps with you all the time, never loved and would not want your best years?" Something like this - I don’t remember verbatim now, of course, but I think that I expressed the idea. And one more: "Is the person who is with you now really your favorite or are you just filling a void with him?"

Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself such questions - it clarifies a lot, at least to yourself - for sure. After all, each of us knows exactly what he wants. Sometimes he does not pay attention to this or simply ignores his own desires due to circumstances.

However, I think everyone can draw a conclusion for themselves. And everyone decides for himself - with whom to live, how to live and with whom to connect his life.

Beloved person will or not - the choice is yours. But people make mistakes too. You can't live without mistakes at all. The main thing is to understand in time, draw a conclusion and take appropriate measures.

P.S. Mistakes are not terrible, their consequences and not taking measures to eliminate them are terrible. Learn from mistakes. They are needed for further development and understanding of how to act correctly in a given situation. It's not so bad to make a mistake as not to understand it.

Always do what you want, draw conclusions, change for the better and be with your loved ones.

You can't live with the ones you don't love.
It is dangerous to live with the unloved.
After all, along the lie of the tip, sliding,
You get hurt, and in vain
You will blame the sky later
In what hurts you, and in blood
you will sprinkle someone else's thread,
What connected you not with you ...
And so through the ages
Wandering women and men
Past... life... flows... a river...
different effects of the same cause.

This amazing poem was written by Lyudmila Yachmeneva...

What pushes women into marriage with an unloved man? If we talk about external reasons, then the answer is obvious: firstly, the instinctive need to create a family and give birth to a child. No matter how highly organized we are, instincts have power over us, and therefore nature sometimes “requires” procreation.

Not every woman manages to "agree" with this requirement. But love has not yet happened or failed, another has not come for it. And if a woman is already under 30 or over 30, then she often begins to think that maybe nothing is worth waiting for at all. As a rule, the one who is in love with a woman and seeks her, or the one who considers her just suitable, and strong feelings are optional, falls into the role of a candidate for husbands.

Medicine has long been proven: women who, for whatever reason, are forced to live with an unloved person, sooner or later get a whole bunch of diseases. All of them belong to the category of psychosomatic: hypertension, stomach ulcers, bronchial asthma...
It is difficult to imagine a person who wants to go through life with an unloved man or an unloved woman (marriages of convenience do not count). But here's the paradox: situations when it is not the most expensive, but “friend or foe” person nearby, are found all the time. And it doesn’t matter how it all started - with delusion, passion or love - if the bottom line is only a bitter aftertaste of the words “not mine”.

1. Self-doubt

2. Unwillingness or inability to solve everyday problems

A lot of questions arise during a divorce: from where to live, ending with the redrawing of the budget and the division of property. Material dependence is especially painful for housewives with small children, who cannot count on a large share of the property or the help of loved ones. However, any transition down the social and property ladder is a big blow to pride. It is always easier for passive people with the psychology of a dependent to remain silent and endure family troubles.

3. Guilt and pity

The calm nature of the spouse, his forgiveness and boundless love may well become a reason for self-flagellation like "He (she) is an angel, and I am a heartless bastard." True, over time, even boundless love can cause dull irritation if it is associated with scandals. And if men more often feel guilty before their wife, parents or children, then women are more inclined to feel sorry only for their partner and present him as weaker than he really is.

4. Dependence on public opinion

The word "lonely" in our society is akin to the stigma of a loser. Therefore, it is not surprising that many marriages do not break up only because of the opinion of the mythical "Marya Alekseevna" - a hundred-headed monster with heads in the form of relatives, colleagues, friends and gossips under the porch. At this point, everyone chooses for himself what is best: to maintain the deceptive image of a happy family man or to start creating it from scratch.

5. Common children

Children usually have a hard time breaking up mom and dad. But, having matured, they often reproach the parents who pulled the hateful strap of marriage precisely because they did not divorce on time. Staying with an unloved person just for the sake of a child is wrong. Children perfectly feel the depth of the abyss between their parents, get a distorted picture of family values, and, in addition, they may later feel guilty for their unhappy fate.