Problems of loneliness in the modern world. Is loneliness in modern life a natural reaction to the development of society? We're out of touch

Distinctive feature modern man from the rest of the animal world is the problem of loneliness and the absence of loved ones.

Loneliness is the state of a lonely person. There is a feeling that there is no close friend to whom you can trust your thoughts and who will understand you. “Loneliness is not due to the absence of people around, but the inability to talk with people about what seems important to you, or the unacceptability of your views to others,” wrote the German philosopher and psychologist. As a rule, the state of loneliness brings suffering.
Before going directly to the topic of conversation, it is necessary to make a small digression.
Man is a social being. Only by leading a social lifestyle, he was able to survive in the wild. Only by common efforts did he achieve his exceptional position in the animal kingdom. Only thanks to the accumulation and transfer from generation to generation of their knowledge and experience, modern people can use the achievements of all mankind. It is no coincidence that I mentioned these, at first glance, banal things, since they are sometimes hushed up or completely ignored when analyzing such a problem as loneliness.
Man is a biosocial being. Innate forms of behavior, such as the instinct of procreation and the group way of life, formed as a result of natural selection, are organically woven into the modern cultural and social order.

Loneliness of the soul. Alone among the people.

Living in a society, it is impossible to be alone in the truest sense of the word. We are always among people. We are surrounded by people who live with us at the same time, in a common culture and society. The level of development, mentality and interests correspond to a certain social stratum and age.
The problem of loneliness is, first of all, the problem of the absence of a couple, and not just a couple, but the absence of a loved one. The very fact of having a loved one will fill your life with meaning for a while. Then everything will depend on how the relationship develops, but the problem of loneliness will be closed. A separate article will be devoted to the topic of searching and choosing a partner.

As for communication with others, here we can note two points that can impede the formation of new relationships and which are associated with character traits, or rather, with the attitude towards oneself (I am bad) and towards other people (They are bad).
Position: I am bad. It often arises as a result of ignorance of the accepted rituals of behavior existing in a certain social environment and the inability to maintain a conversation. As a result, self-esteem falls, a feeling of inferiority appears.
Position: They are bad. Sometimes, getting into an unfavorable or insufficiently benevolent environment in comparison with what it was before, a person may find himself alone against society. The instinct of self-preservation is triggered, a negative attitude towards the environment and alertness to any active contacts with the outside world appear. The desire to do something yourself disappears. Subsequently, the environment or situation may change, but the attitude remains.

Loneliness problem. One among myself.

The way of life, which is embedded in us by nature and society, involves communication and interaction, it does not provide for a solitary existence. leading a group lifestyle, and a person includes a need for belonging. The state of loneliness can only be of an objective temporary nature or be chosen at will (solitude).
Some people prioritize the sense of security and security that a group provides, while others prefer a more solitary lifestyle, content with only a narrow social circle. When alone, thoughts of loneliness do not disturb, but this is a completely different topic for a completely different conversation.
Friedrich Nietzsche remarked ironically on this subject: “There are two kinds of loneliness. For one, loneliness is the flight of the sick, for the other it is the flight from the sick.

Only physical and spiritual activity can pull a person out of a state of loneliness. It is necessary to go into society, to people, to accept the rules of the game by which they live, and to participate in joint activities. Only communication in a group united by a common interest (study, work or hobby), in which a person feels their, can change position.
The problem of loneliness must be transferred from the plane of general concepts and reasoning to the plane of specific actions. Then it becomes clear which is stronger: either the desire to find a way out of the current problem, or the unwillingness to make the necessary efforts in order to find it.

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In our world, there are many stereotypes about loneliness: they say that it is a disease of modern society and that choosing to live alone is like burying yourself alive. However, not all scientists are of this opinion. Neurologist John Cacioppo is sure that the feeling of loneliness is an acquired skill, and sociologist Eric Kleinenberg says that the modern world has become ideally suited for solo living.

We are in website Let's talk about 7 myths about loneliness that you should stop believing in for a long time.

Myth #1: We only feel lonely when we are away from people.

About how easy it is to be alone and surrounded by people, many books have been written and many films have been made. Loneliness does not depend on what is happening around a person. First of all, this is only his internal state. Which means living alone, you can not be alone at all.

An ingrained stereotype says that the peak of loneliness is old age. However, according to a study by European psychologists, people feel the most lonely in adolescence - when there are a lot of people around.

Myth No. 2. The world is now experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.

We all could hear that the world is now swallowed up by a wave of loneliness. This is partly true - modern young people are often in no hurry to start a family.

However, not everyone can be happy living alone. It depends on his character, temperament and many other factors. If the solo life does not suit him, then this can lead to a number of negative consequences. For example, a study from the University of Chicago suggests that the brains of people who experience feelings of loneliness react more vividly to negative stimuli. Nevertheless, everyone has the right to choose whether to suffer from loneliness or enjoy it.

How is your life more comfortable? Have you experienced that society condemns your desire to live solo?

Despite the fact that most of us live surrounded by many other people, we nevertheless often experience a feeling of loneliness that robs us of the joy of life. Loneliness corrodes our soul and makes our life meaningless, sometimes turning it into continuous torment. Many of you will surely agree with me that loneliness is bad, very bad and sad. Meanwhile, there are so many people around us that it would seem that there can be no talk of any loneliness, but nevertheless it exists and we feel it. Why do we feel lonely and why is loneliness perceived by us so painfully? And most importantly - what do we do with loneliness, how to get rid of it? We will talk about this, dear readers, in this article. And if you feel like a lonely person, I will help you solve this problem.

Loneliness is a special emotional state of a person in which he feels his uselessness and does not feel himself. A lonely person loses his sense of himself due to the lack of contact with other people, he falls into a void in which he, as a person, does not exist. This emotional state occurs at the moment when a person does not receive full attention from other people, when he does not feel a positive emotional connection with people or is afraid of losing it. At the same time, there can be a lot of people around him and they can even communicate with him. It's all about the form of this communication - a person can simply not be listened to, not heard and not understood. Often, when communicating with people, we feel that they simply do not hear us, and therefore do not understand, and therefore we begin to feel lonely. It turns out that communication with people seems to be happening with us, but it resembles communication with a wall, from which there is little use. So it’s not at all necessary to live on a desert island and be isolated from society in order to feel lonely, you can, surrounded by a huge number of people, not only feel, but really be a lonely person - if everyone doesn’t give a damn about you.

But why don't we give a damn about those who don't give a damn about us? And because we are social beings, we all depend on each other, because we are parts of a single whole, not to mention the fact that each of us needs a partner for a fulfilling life. This is how nature intended for a person to strive to continue his race and support life on earth and to take care not only of himself, but also of the people around him, since this increases his survival. Together, people are capable of much, they were able to build a civilization and together they can solve any problems they have, but one by one they will simply die out. Therefore, such a socio-psychological phenomenon as loneliness is quite understandable. We feel lonely because we make ourselves so - we alienate, move away from each other, we emphasize our individuality, forgetting about the need to fit into the society around us, noticing other people in it and becoming noticeable ourselves. And we will never be comfortable until we are objectively lonely, until we learn to be not only ourselves, but also a part of the society in which we live, and preferably, a part of all of humanity. So we cannot be indifferent to other people, especially when we lack attention, communication, understanding, respect and love. However, if we receive too much attention from other people, we inevitably begin to neglect it, we begin to choose - with whom it is interesting and profitable for us to communicate, and with whom not. If you don’t have friends, don’t have the right partner, you will certainly feel lonely. But it is quite possible, friends, that you yourself, too, at the moment do not notice someone who notices you. Think about it.

Loneliness, meanwhile, has a positive side - it is solitude. Some people do not need constant and abundant communication with other people, they can have a full-fledged internal dialogue with themselves, they can think, read books, do some favorite things and they will be quite comfortable. Loneliness for such people is not a punishment, but grace, however, in moderation, because, as mentioned above, we all need contacts with people and their attention to us. But to a certain extent, we all need solitude, it’s another matter that because of this we should not close ourselves off from the outside world, otherwise we will become outcasts, loners, people closed in on ourselves. And this will not do us any good, rest assured. Therefore, do not try to replace communication with people with communication with yourself; this will not save you from loneliness. Supplement communication with people with communication with yourself - supplement, but do not replace it with it, live a full life - look for suitable interlocutors and communicate with them.

But let's get back to the negative side of loneliness, after all, for most people, loneliness is a problem, not a blessing, which they somehow need to solve in order not to suffer because of it. And how can it be solved? First, friends, you need to find out what causes this problem. Pay attention to the way you live and how you relate to other people. If you lead an estranged lifestyle, if for some reason you are isolated from other people, then you need to correct this situation - you need to go out to people in order to be able to communicate with them. If you communicate with people, but at the same time you do not understand them, and they do not understand you, because of which you have conflicts during communication, forcing you to move away from them or them to move away from you, then you definitely need to work on your manner of communication. In most cases, we are deprived of attention to ourselves by other people, because of our misunderstanding of them, which we interpret as their misunderstanding of us. But blaming other people for not wanting to communicate with us or not wanting to understand us is simply pointless. People behave with us the way they want and how they are forced to behave, and most importantly, they behave with us the way we allow them to behave with us. So if we do not want to hear each other, then our communication will be so meaningless that it can be compared with communication with the wall, and therefore, there can be no mutual understanding and speech in such dead communication. So why do we spit on each other, why don't we notice each other, don't hear each other and don't want to understand each other? Is it all about our upbringing? Yes, and in it too, many people are selfish and therefore indifferent to other people, and those, in turn, are indifferent to them. So we all feel lonely, even in large cities, where there are a lot of people, and even having the Internet at hand, where you can communicate with anyone and on any topic. But selfishness is selfishness, and the main problem for a person who makes other people lonely, and at the same time himself, is his lack of need for other people. We don't need each other enough to want to understand each other. Or rather, we believe that we do not need each other, and we often see other people as more enemies than friends and therefore try to move away from them or simply not notice them. Because of this, as I said above, we ourselves make ourselves lonely. We should have a need for those around us, then we will be more open and friendly to them, and if we don’t feel this need, then other people will only interfere with us.

How often do we complain that we lack attention, love, respect, understanding? And what have we personally done to ensure that we have all this? Do we accept the love offered to us by other people who sincerely love us, do we respect their attention to us, do we try to understand other people when we communicate with them? Alas, friends, but in most cases we do nothing of this, in any case, most of us do not properly appreciate the attention, love, understanding and respect for ourselves from other people. And as a result, some of us come to proud loneliness, in which some people, because of their pride and perseverance, remain throughout their lives. But all you need is to try to understand other people, try to hear them and find a common language with them. But people are too selfish for this, they are mainly guided by their own feelings, their own desires, their own interests, and they do not care about others. Sometimes this is justified, sometimes not, but in most cases, not feeling the need for attention from some people, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live a rich and fulfilling life in which we will have many friends and fans. They don’t get lonely just like that, this is necessarily preceded by certain actions on the part of a person that force people to move away from him. Sometimes friends, you really should be simpler so that people start reaching out to you.

However, some people, with all their desire, are not able to establish positive contacts with other people, they are either uncommunicative themselves, or because of the negative experience of the past they have become so. Also, very often, communication difficulties arise in people with low self-esteem, because of which they are simply afraid to communicate, they are afraid of being unheard, misunderstood, and not accepted. There are other psychological factors that contribute to loneliness. So, if you find it difficult to establish contacts with people, because of low self-esteem, because of fear of them, because of your lack of sociability or for some other reason, then start working on yourself, either on your own or with the help of a specialist . Otherwise, you will create a vicious circle, when your inability and unwillingness to communicate with people will lead you to the fact that your self-esteem will fall even lower and your fear of people will become even greater. And then you may have depression, with all its inherent "charms" that can finally poison our lives. You definitely need to develop your communication skills in order to be able to make acquaintances with interesting people. And if you are already quite sociable, but there are few people around you with whom you could communicate and who could understand you, then you should urgently pay attention to your behavior in order to understand what exactly you should change in it. . Loneliness always has reasons that lie primarily in ourselves. When we feel the loneliness of the soul, when it seems to us that the whole world is against us, that no one needs us and our whole life is a complete misunderstanding, be sure that we do not understand something at this moment, we lose sight of something and something we do not attach importance.

I am absolutely sure that many people need each of us, just as we ourselves also need many of them. We all need each other, in one way or another. As soon as we realize this, we will certainly open up to each other and become closer to each other, and not physically closer, there seems to be no problem with this today, but spiritually. It's time for us to abandon the consumer attitude towards people and move to a new level of perception of this world, in which our relations with each other will take on a qualitatively new form. People must grow and develop so that such primitive and meaningless problems as loneliness stop bothering them. I also recommend that you engage in some creative activity that more than compensates for the lack of attention to you from other people. Sometimes we just feel alone, but we are not really so, we simply do not have the opportunity to express ourselves and therefore it seems to us that no one understands us. Express yourself in some work that is interesting to you, because every person without exception has some kind of talent, revealing and developing which he is able to surprise the world with his wonderful creation and express himself in this way. Then attention, and recognition, and respect, and love will be provided to you. People can't help but notice the person who created something beautiful.

And do not be afraid of people, friends. Of course, they are not ideal, and sometimes dangerous, but none of us can live a full life without them. You do not have to communicate with all people, communicate only with those who are closer to you in spirit and character, this will be quite enough so that you do not feel lonely. Try to study people, understand them, study their interests, goals, desires, and then you will be able to merge into their picture of the world and help them understand you. Draw their attention to yourself with the help of your activity and energy, because active and energetic people are hard to miss. Keep in mind that many people simply do not understand what their life should be like, what kind of people they should surround themselves with in this life, and who needs them in it. Therefore, try to convince them that they need you, show them yourself in all its glory. And you will be accepted. People are confused in their own created world, in which there is so much information that you can drown in it. Therefore, it is often difficult for them to focus their attention even on themselves, not to mention someone else who surrounds them. There are people around, but the person does not notice them, does not fully communicate with them, and therefore feels lonely. Loneliness is a problem we have imagined, in reality it does not exist. There is only misunderstanding by people of each other and their inattention to each other, because of which this heavy feeling arises.

“People in modern society feel the deepest loneliness”, the Dalai Lama said while having tea with his old friend, Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

We are always very busy. And even meeting each other regularly, for many years we can remain just acquaintances, and this cannot be called true human intimacy. And when we have no one to turn to for help or support, we feel lonely.

Smile from loneliness

Sociologist Lynn Smith-Lovin conducted a study and found that the number of close friends most people today have dropped from three to two. We have hundreds of “friends” on social networks, but real, really close ones are becoming less and less. Approximately one in ten participants in the mentioned study admitted that he had no friends at all.

“There is a much more developed sense of community in the village,” says the Dalai Lama. - When a problem arises of a personal or family nature, you know that you can turn to your neighbors for help. But even in cities with millions of people, we are responsible for each other, even if we don't know each other personally.

We all belong to the same human race. There are no strangers. It is worth seeing each other, looking into the face of any person, and we understand that we have a brother or sister in front of us. It doesn't matter if we know each other or not - you can always smile and say: "Hello."

We live in a consumer society. There is no place for love in the materialist's picture of the world. He only works twenty-four hours a day, like clockwork. And we gradually become parts of a huge moving machine.

human race

In Buddhism, there is a concept of human interdependence at all levels: social, personal, subatomic. Being born and dying, we are completely dependent on others, and the independence that we think we gain in the interval between birth and death is a myth.

- If you focus on secondary differences - nationality, religion, skin color - the difference between us will be very noticeable. As it is now in Africa, for example, where there is so much discord due to nationality. And people should just consider themselves an African nation. Not to mention the fact that everyone generally belongs to a single nation - human. The same with religions: Shiites and Sunnis, Christians and Muslims... We are all human beings. Religious differences are private. If the perception is based on compassion for others as members of the same human species, we move to the primary level and forget about the differences of the second level. And you can empathize even with the enemy.

Everyone has the capacity for empathy. Scientists have discovered that man is by nature merciful. The problem is that the school does not teach to develop natural human qualities, and the potential remains unrealized.

Ubuntu

The need to share and take care of each other is inherent in us by nature. Losing the opportunity to interact, we fade away. This is partly why solitary confinement is the worst punishment. It is impossible to realize oneself without the participation of others, - Archbishop Tutu believes.

In South African philosophy there is such a thing - "ubuntu". It means that you can become a person only with the participation of other people. Ubuntu teaching says: "If I have a small piece of bread and I share it with you, it is for the benefit of me first of all." After all, even at birth, we were not alone. In order for us to be born, two people were needed. The Bible, the common book of Jews and Christians, tells a beautiful story. God says, "Adam, you don't have to be alone."

We are part of a single organism and can only be human beings together.

Alone or lonely?

We often do not feel alone when we are alone, but we are lonely in the company, in a crowd of unknown people or at a party with people we hardly know. Feeling cut off from the world and being alone are not the same thing. One can experience joy even when no one is around; but you can't enjoy life if you're lonely.

Monks spend a lot of time as recluses, are they lonely? Here is what the Dalai Lama said based on his experience:

- Monks fence themselves off from the material world - not only physically, but also spiritually. We cannot touch God directly; the only way to do this is to serve His children, that is, humanity. For this reason, monks are never truly lonely. Much depends on perception. If a person is angry and negatively evaluates reality, he will feel his isolation. This is inevitably followed by loneliness. But if his heart is open, full of trust and friendliness, even if he is all alone and prefers to be a hermit, he will never be lonely.

There are seven billion people in the world and an unlimited number of intelligent beings. If you remember this all the time, loneliness will never overtake you. Only love and kindness bring happiness. Only they give us strength and confidence, tame fears, teach trust, and it helps to establish friendships. We are social animals, we need cooperation to survive, but without trust there can be no cooperation. Trust unites individuals and entire nations. By developing generosity and the ability to empathize, we create a more positive and friendly atmosphere around us, we begin to see friends everywhere. If we are full of fear and distrust, people will keep their distance from us. They, too, will have a desire to be cautious, to be suspicious and incredulous. And then comes loneliness.

The paradox is that we think too much about ourselves and our problems because we want to become happier, but such obsession leads to the opposite result. If you focus too much on your person, communication with others is broken and alienation occurs. Moreover, as a result, a person is alienated from himself, since the need for connection with others is an integral part of our nature.

With an open heart

The Dalai Lama is sure that if you treat others with kindness and compassion, you will never be left alone. An open, kind heart conquers loneliness. It is amazing: today you walk down the street and perceive everything around critically and condemningly, you feel lonely and feel the abyss between yourself and the rest of the world, and tomorrow you walk along the same street with a more open heart and accept people as they are, empathize with them and you realize that today everyone seems friendly and welcoming. As if the inner state of mind and soul changes the physical world and environment beyond recognition.

Nobody seeks loneliness on their own initiative. No one will say: I want to feel alone. People just become like this for different reasons.

- We must treat everyone in such a way that he feels special, accept him for who he is, and help to open up. It's wonderful to see how previously closed people open up like a beautiful flower, in the rays of human kindness and acceptance, - said the archbishop.

Don't wait for others to open their hearts to you. Be the first to open up and you will feel the thread that connects you with people. And it doesn't matter where you are - on the top of a mountain or in the center of Moscow.

Post cover: illustration from the book.

Is loneliness in modern life a natural reaction to the development of society?

Maria Barnikova

Loneliness is a modern “disease” of our society, which psychotherapists are trying unsuccessfully to overcome so far. At the same time, it has a global character in developed and urbanized countries. That is, with the development of mankind, various phobias and sociological problems also evolve. In times far from us, a person who tried to survive alone was doomed in advance to suffering and a hard […]

Loneliness is a modern "disease" of our society, which psychotherapists have so far unsuccessfully tried to overcome. At the same time, it has a global character in developed and urbanized countries. That is, with the development of mankind, various phobias and sociological problems also evolve. In times far from us, a person who tried to survive alone was doomed in advance to suffering and a difficult existence, which is why they were considered martyrs, saints or hermits. Only together could a community of people develop productively, repulse the enemy and conduct successful economic activities. In other words, a hundred years ago, a person did not have the physical ability to be alone, and at the same time be self-sufficient and successful.

The tendency to be alone

World Wide Web Internet, the improvement of the international transport system and the globalization of world processes, gradually leveled the need for close ties between people for the development of society. For example, today in many areas of activity (especially in the field of culture, high technology, scientific research - rather highly paid areas), the role of massive collective efforts to achieve success is no different from the disparate actions of individuals united by the World Wide Web, under the control of a small number of talented leaders. In addition, the development of the media and the computer industry is attracting more and more attention. Significant amounts of money are invested in these projects, the purpose of which is to keep the viewer's attention as long as possible.

And these are just a few of the main reasons that stimulate the development of a trend towards a lonely way of life. A person got a real opportunity to be successful without close contact with society, and this is precisely the main reason for such a phenomenon as loneliness. But the need for communication and contact has not disappeared anywhere, they have simply atrophied, distorted, and taken on false forms. Such pseudo-freedom, in fact, makes it impossible to lead a natural way of life. The worst scenario for the development of such a situation is the attempts of the carriers of a lonely lifestyle to impose their opinion on others, in a way to find confirmation of the correctness of their actions among other people.

This does not apply to those people who, for certain reasons, have become lonely or cannot communicate: people with disabilities, people of age or those who suffer from a mental disorder. We are talking about those who voluntarily withdrew into themselves and sincerely believe that loneliness is a normal way of life, a natural reaction to the development of modern society. At the same time, many go further and reject family ties and values. The most mysterious factor in this situation is that the phenomenon of social loneliness in modern conditions affects young and middle-aged people who still have the psychological and parental support of people of a more mature generation - their parents, who grew up in close social ties. It is difficult to predict what will happen in the future, when a whole generation of single people will grow up, brought up by single people.

hide from everyone

For many, loneliness is a kind of screen that allows you to hide your complexes or other shortcomings, which will progress more and more over the years. Not trying to join society, opposing himself to it, a person unconsciously (in rare cases this happens in full understanding of what is happening) is afraid to be himself and closes himself. Such a "protective cocoon" gives the illusion of the correctness of what is happening, gives strength to maintain the effect of independence and success. Separated by such a screen from the whole world, it is convenient and pleasant to nurture in your own mind your pricelessness and uniqueness, to form a high self-esteem and faith in a higher destiny.

This is exactly what happens to many physically and socially fit people. The fostered image of one's own significance, a la the center of the universe, forms an unreasonable confidence in the correctness of such actions. Closing and concentrating all his attention on himself, unreasonably elevating his ego, a person gradually loses the ability to love and compassion - purely, lightly and sincerely. The heart becomes stale, sarcasm and cynicism appear, which are a cover for the most ordinary envy of those people who have a cozy family hearth and a loving family, true friends. But that same illusion does not make it possible to understand the real reaction of the soul to these phenomena, it distorts and distorts what it sees, giving a person the opportunity to engage in self-deception again. Lonely wandering through life are unhappy in their own way, but at the same time quite often successful people in modern life. But that's just - is it life, to isolate oneself from the outside world within the limits of one's "I"? Yes, each person is individual and unique, but the desires at their core, for thousands of years, remain the same: the need to be loved and loved, to be proud of your children and grandchildren in old age, to be desired and to have support in this difficult life in close friends.

Let's fight loneliness

Today it is more and more difficult for a person to understand himself, there are more and more factors that interfere and distort the perception of these basic human needs. That is why there are more and more singles in cities. In large populated centers it is easier to find a substitute substitute (for each person it is different) for real feelings, the absence of which causes a real breakdown. Most often, a single person is a person who, at a certain stage, due to circumstances, opposed himself to society. That is why such a phenomenon should be temporary, but not permanent. It could have arisen as a defense mechanism in childhood because of the ridicule of comrades or in adulthood from bullying by a husband, it happens like that. But it is very important to fight loneliness, not close yourself off from the outside world, let in at least a small part of it and find peace, which is so necessary for a rebellious soul.

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