Lu family. Should a family start with crazy love? Is true love always mutual?

It is a myth. Many young people think that a family begins with crazy love, and they are waiting for such a feeling. Passion in such a relationship boils over ...

When everything starts with passion, with ardor, it rarely comes to family and love. The strongest of all is the family in which the relationship began not with insane passion, but with friendship, which later grew into love.

True love comes with time, when the wife develops humility towards her husband, and the husband respects his wife. Then family relationships become quiet and calm. Why do we want it to be once and for all? For a person, stability, certainty is important. When the stability family relationships, calm at heart and then quiet happiness and joy. And then, it seems that "Women's happiness - there would be a sweet one nearby, but nothing else is needed." This is what you want.

Psychologist Svetlana Shvetsova

For me, insane passion is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Based on my experience, I think that it is worth entering into marriage with not crazy passion, but light love. I believe that at the time of marriage, the best feeling is a state of calm rational love. When you love a person, you are interested in him, and this is a prerequisite for marriage. You understand that you cannot live without this person. How it happened to me.

First you look at a person, and a spark is born in you. You understand that you like him. You start talking closer. When you communicate, you check your life platforms, find out what your views are on different things in this life: marriage, music, church, politics, books. You compare how similar your views are.

How can you check if there is love or not? A loved one for me is not an object of adoration and worship. It's a friend. The person you love and with whom you are going to live should be, first of all, your best friend. Then you can solve all problems together.

Musician Alexei Zharov

It is said that it is the power of passion that should determine whether people marry each other or not.

Just a "crazy" passion is not the best adviser in an act that will determine the whole future life and therefore requires serious thought. Passion will quickly pass, but what will remain after it? Astonishment! “What a cunning he is, he pretended decent person, but in life it turned out ... ". Few people remember that passion turned off their own mind.

Mankind knows other criteria for determining whether a person is right for you. Someone not stupid said that “when choosing a wife, you need to understand that you are not taking this particular woman, but her with her whole family, with her past, with her attitudes, with those ideas (including spiritual ones) that were considered in her family the only possible ones."

There was such an ancient wisdom: if you want to get to know your wife better, look at her mother. It will really not be superfluous to get acquainted with the family, because your chosen one was brought up in this environment. On what principles he was brought up (and whether there were these principles), is he ready to grow as a person, as a person - these are the questions, the answers to which should not overshadow passion.

Kirill Tantsirev , top manager

MARRIAGE DOESN'T START WITH CRAZY

It is unlikely that passion can be the key to a strong, stable family. The very definition of passion suggests that it is not normal. Its property is to pass quickly. It quickly rises in such big waves, bursts, just as quickly it passes.

Passion is a disease, so it cannot be useful. Think - "crazy love." That is, love is crazy. We do not include reason. And marriage, paradoxically, is something calculated.

AT family psychology There is such a thing as readiness for marriage. This is a whole complex of components, criteria, which leads a person to the fact that he can start a family with this person. People are sometimes afraid that being ready for marriage is something too difficult. But in fact, the standard should be. There is no need to be afraid here. We just need to know what to aim for. This is just one of a series of conscious approaches to marriage. If this is not the case, the person begins to move by touch, stumbles, and makes many mistakes.

What are these components? This is sympathy when you say "I like him (she)". Secondly, it is a community of interests, when we understand that we love the same music, we like to watch the same programs, read the same literature, go out into nature, go kayaking. And the more of these components on the scales, the more attractive a person is for us.

Then there are deeper things that also need to be taken into account. It is necessary to look at the family, who the person's parents are. Most often, people project a parental scenario in the family. It cannot be said that this is a 100% reproduction, but this is a template that many people follow.

In addition, you need to look at family relationships, whether the family is complete, how a man communicates with his mother and father. If something is not working out for him in a relationship, see how he reacts to your comments, whether he can be flexible and listen to your opinion.

You can also see if a person has many or few friends, find out if he thinks that we are self-sufficient and that we are only good together. You can't focus on each other for too long. It happens that he is jealous of his girlfriend to friends and tries to discourage everyone. Maybe he has communication problems. Then this is a serious reason to think. See if he is trying to isolate you, if he is jealous of his friends.

During communication, observe him and yourself. How you behave when you are together, how quickly you are able to reconcile. This is a big rehearsal for your future serious relationship.

We also need to pay attention to the state of health. A woman came to me, who is already about 28-29 years old. It was a discovery for her after a year of marriage that her husband was unwell. Time passed and she found out about him mental disorder. He says: "He was soft, compliant." I asked her to name the character traits that a man should have, she listed them in this order: he should be soft, kind, compliant. Can a woman feel protected when she marries, knowingly ranking incorrectly a number of the main qualities of her chosen one? Unlikely. Women who put in the first place such important qualities as: responsibility, masculinity, hard work, etc. with more the probabilities will be close to the owner of such characteristics. This means that the choice of a spouse was not conscious, and did not have a serious approach, because due attention was not paid to such serious factors as: good health and significant human qualities.

It’s good to stick to friendships for at least a period of one year. This will be a change of events, seasons (autumn and spring are the most acute periods for nervous system). During this time, all character traits may appear or become aggravated and mental disorders may be revealed. The year is the defining term. During this period, you can collect information about each other. Find out if he wants children, how many he wants, who will wash the floors or dishes ...

Everything needs to be talked about! You always have to talk about problems. Questions should be put before yourself and before the person with whom you have entered into a relationship. We can say that this is the most important period in your relationship. Then only the consequence of your choice will appear. And it is here that it is important not to misfire, not to blunder. It is necessary to assess the ability of both of you to perform all the functions of husband and wife in the family.

The family has several functions: reproductive (reproduction of children), economic (budget distribution), economic (each performs functional duty: someone pays money for an apartment, someone vacuums). That is, who takes what share of participation in the construction of the family. Construction is seemingly small aspects family life. In addition, the psychological function: they take care of each other, give warmth, understanding.

Another function is educational. As a rule, men believe that this is the lot of the wife, her work front. But the participation of the father is also necessary. Mom is sometimes quick-tempered when doing the same homework. Lack of father's involvement...

creative function. At the beginning of a relationship, while romanticism has not cooled down, they go to the cinema, come up with classes. Then all this stops and closes at work and at home. Everything is boring, bland, monotonous. Leisure is also very important, to be able to spend time together. By the way, at the premarital stage of a relationship, you need to look at the behavior young man: how he behaves, whether he willingly pays for you. I heard from one girl a story that it was February, and a young man drove her along the boulevard, back and forth. She hints at donuts to him, and he offers to go home.

Everything needs to be looked at, so that later it would be a surprise. A woman functionally strives to ensure that everyone in the family is shod and dressed. She will pull from a man - give for that, give for that. And if he balks, talks about female commercialism, if he is afraid of this, then you are not on your way.

Psychologist Irina Rakhimova

If we carefully turn to the gospel reading, which is read during the wedding, we will find the answer in the story of the marriage in Cana of Galilee. Remember this image of drunk wine? The wine ran out at the wedding feast - this is true, the deep truth of any married life, because as a rule, marriages begin with some kind of strong attraction, with people seducing each other. This seduction passes. Sometimes for a year, sometimes for a month, sometimes for one wedding night.

A person suddenly discovers that although his spouse is next to him, the person is very imperfect. It seems that the marriage feast is over. Weekdays begin, instead of the wine of the wedding feast - the wine of everyday life. It seems that this is a mistake that the person turned out to be the wrong one. There is no feeling that since God allowed this marriage, since He blessed this marriage, you need to create something with the person who is given to you, with all his imperfections. Indeed, it is difficult. Therefore, many families break up very quickly - in the first three years.

But even if, after a year or several years, the seduction passes, there is a feeling that in front of you is not only a spouse, but also a brother or sister in Christ, you begin to learn to forgive him, learn to endure him, and most importantly, you never forget about God, and God comes, as He came to the marriage in Cana of Galilee. Remember, there He turned the water into wine, which seemed better than at the beginning of the wedding feast, which the architriklin draws attention to. Indeed, when in such a tempting family life, when people already really perceive each other without being deceived, Christ appears - and He cannot but appear if this family leads the church life, takes communion, prays, abides in contemplation of God - a miracle happens. The water of everyday life becomes wine, but the wine is better than the one that was at the beginning, this is that true love, the love of Christ, purified from vain passions and naive seduction by each other, from which it all began. Therefore, marriages do not begin with love, they end with love, if not destroyed on this difficult path.

Genuine Christian love is the crown of marriage, the result of marriage, not its foundation. It is no coincidence that the ceremony of wedding is reminiscent of the ceremony of monastic vows, marriage is in some ways a departure from the world in the name of the creation of a small church by a particular person - this is a rather abstract truth even for those who understand it, and even for non-church people this does not exist at all. And why not try with another person to create something again? But as a result, nothing is created.

Archpriest Georgy Mitrofanov

Learning how to create a happy family: an online course"Basic principles of building a family"

Someone thinks that it is necessary to get married or marry for love. And this is not surprising - all the media are intensively promoting this point of view. However, in fact, love is far from the first thing that connects two people. Surely you are familiar with those couples in which a man and a woman loved each other, but could not live together. And in the same way, there are couples who got married by coincidence, without any romantic feelings, but in which the husband and wife fell in love with each other over time. Moreover, now we are talking about love, and not about falling in love, addiction or passion. So how do you distinguish true love from other feelings, and why isn't it as important in marriage as we think in our society?

Features inherent in true love

In general, of course, it is strange to talk about the features of love as feelings, it is ridiculous to dissect it into separate elements, and therefore we will only name its main ones:
1. True love gives. What gives? What can give: attention, affection, help in some business. That is, people loving friend a friend is not really demanded from another, but is given by oneself. A simple example: do not run around your beloved with requests, questions: "Well, tell me, tell me - do you love me?" (which many girls sin), but come up and say: "I love you", and at the same time do not wait for an answer ("I love you too"), but simply express your feelings at your own will.

2. True love promotes self-development, and, moreover, both the lover and the beloved. If love addiction does not allow the lover himself or his partner to develop, then true love, on the contrary, allows you to see the weaknesses of a loved one, delicately point out them and help you become stronger. Also, in the process of communicating with a partner, the lover himself becomes better, stronger.

3. True love doesn't last. People who know how to love do not tie themselves tightly to a partner and do not hold a loved one with all their might. Just because they don't need it. The secret is that they LOVE themselves, and do not demand and do not expect love from another. Therefore, if a loved one wants to leave, then they do not cling to him, but simply let him go. Of course, the situation of any breakup is not complete without experiences, but grief and sadness do not cause thoughts of suicide and do not provoke depression - loving person will find the strength to live and develop further. Why are those who know how to love not afraid to be alone? Probably, firstly, because they themselves are whole and harmonious people, and secondly, who wants to get away from true love? - perhaps an inappropriate partner, and because of this it is stupid to suffer

Why love is not required for marriage

As you already understood, true love differs from other types of feelings, which are sometimes called by its name, in that it is not some kind of sudden process (which rushed from somewhere suddenly), but creation - they don’t wait for it to come, they create it themselves. That is why at the beginning of the article we mentioned that when entering into marriage, love is not necessary - if people are ready for a life together, ready to create a harmonious family, then they will have love. Of course, true love happens easier and easier in those couples where there is mutual sympathy, common interests and similar life goals. And, finally, the most important secret: love is not a thing, but a process, and that is why it cannot come, go, get lost. Love in a couple can only be created with mutual interest and desire, i.e. - love yourself and each other.

True love in a family is not only a feeling, it is the will of a person who makes a decision to love, take responsibility, obligations, accept another person and share difficulties and concerns together. Family relationships are multiple obligations, as they are built not with one person, but with many: children, parents, spouses...

The main thing is respect

Feelings that push us to take such a responsible step as creating a family, over time, transform into others. In place of passion comes a deep understanding of each other, mutual respect and tenderness, which is so necessary for young parents.

So what is family love? These are obligations, daily work of all family members, bringing joy and pleasure. It's common holiday - holiday unity, where there is no place for anger, resentment, deceit and violence. Happiness is when everyone feels their importance and security. Love in the family is a shield, a fortress that no one can destroy.

It is a strong family built on respect and understanding that becomes a model of education for the younger generation. Children who grew up in an environment of peace and harmony, as a rule, are talented and successful. They are endowed with the energy of creation, warmth and kindness. Relations with parents are trusting and tender. They will carry the experience gained further in their lives and pass it on to their descendants as a family heirloom.

Don't look for recipes

Many people often ask themselves the question, what is love in a family and how to keep it and carry it all your life? First of all, it is worth understanding that this is not at all the feeling of passion that is so vividly and intrusively broadcast from television screens. This combination best qualities and the most serious attitude to each other, to the needs and desires of the spouse, to his weaknesses and fears. Tenderness and reverent attitude are much more complex feelings than blind love that accompanies the first year of marriage.

No matter how much a person reads literature on the topic “everything about love in the family”, there was and is no exact recipe suitable for everyone. Everyone determines the measure of responsibility, the degree of affection and the level of trust.

If, nevertheless, a person managed to meet love in life, nurture it and save it, then life has not been lived in vain. This means that a fortress built by joint efforts will withstand any assault, and a reliable shield of mutual understanding will protect against all adversity.

Every person has the right to happiness and has everything necessary to create it. Preserving and preserving this value is the most difficult, but quite realizable task. The desire to love and be loved, to find happiness and give it to others inspires a person; the impossible becomes possible and easily attainable. Just a bit of understanding and help is enough, which the specialists of the M.S. Center will gladly provide you with. Norbekova on the course "My happy family". By signing up for, you will receive answers to all your questions and find your way to family happiness.

Hello! Let's think about these questions: What is love? What is love like? Is there love in a family? There is love for the motherland, love for children. There is love for a man, love for a woman. And there is love for people, for all living things, for the world as a whole.

Someone will say that a family is two people who have legalized their relationship. Yes, this is called the cell of society, or there is another word - marriage.

But I personally like a different definition of family. A family is a union of two adult self-sufficient people who love and respect each other, with the obligatory presence of children. The union of two people and a small dog or cat, replacing children with their presence, is not a family. It's just a marriage.

Girls, I have known Natalia Pravdina for a very long time, as the most famous feng shui specialist in Russia, the author of numerous bestsellers on positive psychology and just a good Fairy.
I highly recommend that you pay attention to her exclusive author's webinar " Love and romance».

Do you want love? Do you want to be happy? Do you want a family and best husband? Come to the webinar and you will get it all!

There is no family without love. Someone may object that many people live out of habit, that there is no smell of love there anymore - and nothing, they live! Once again, this is not a family, this is a marriage.

Love in the family is also different

The roles of husband and wife are distributed differently:

• For example, father-daughter union , where the husband plays the role of dad, and the wife plays the role of a little daughter. Such a marriage lasts until the daughter "grows up." Or don't want to "grow up". It is clear that after this there is no longer any talk of any family, the roles have been played, no further development is foreseen.

• There is also a third option. He impresses me the most. This is a union in which man and woman are partners . Namely: everyone in such an alliance has sufficient authority, the right to choose, the right to a certain freedom, the right to express their opinion objectively. It is in such a union that love lives and develops, passing from one stage to another. In such a union, children, seeing the relationship of their parents, grow up happy and confident in themselves, in their abilities. In such a family, love and trust reign.

Let's look at the stages of love

Two people meet, a spark “flashes” between them. Or they say it's love at first sight. I don't know if it's love or not, but it's more like "chemistry". It's just the body's reaction to new experiences.

Then there is falling in love, lasting 2-3 months, which then turns into passion. This period at different people lasts in different ways, but eventually turns into love. This is the time to start a family.

It often happens that having lived together for 5-7 years, having known all the "charms of life", having given birth to one or two children, the spouses understand that they have nothing more to talk about with each other. The romance of relationships disappears somewhere, the main date is forgotten - the day of acquaintance, or even the wedding day ...

Coming home from work, the husband most often sits down at the computer, the wife is busy preparing dinner, checking the lessons of the children. And that's it, the day has passed. They went to bed, woke up the next morning, each scattered about their own affairs, in the evening everything repeats again.

On weekends, a man tends to run away either to the garage or to go fishing. This is how it goes year after year. The family has no common interests. Someone resigns, someone.

But you can live differently!

There are families in which every day brings something interesting. Where the father, along with the mother, is engaged in the upbringing and education of children. Families in which there are family holidays.

Where the weekend is expected as a holiday, because you can chat with each other to your heart's content, do something interesting and educational TOGETHER, go somewhere. Where living together does not burden, but brings joy. LOVE lives in such a family.

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What to do to keep love in the family for many years?

• First you need to understand that your husband (or wife) is not your property, he is an independent adult with his own habits and manners, with his own scale of values ​​and his own concepts of morality. If you don’t like any of this at the initial stage, it’s better not to start a family. Personality can no longer be altered, no matter how hard you try. You will only waste your nerves, strength and years.

• Thirdly, everyone in the family must develop, grow above himself. If one develops and the other degrades, there is a colossal difference in views. Common ground is lost, interest in each other disappears.

• The next moment: be interested in the affairs of your soul mate, participate in her life. Ask how the day went, what interesting things happened, what plans for tomorrow.

If you are a mother who sits at home with children - never remove the father from participating in the upbringing of children. No matter how late your husband comes home from work, even if the children are already sleeping, be sure to take the time to tell him how you spent your day, what the children told you, what they played, where they went.

Draw during the day with the children, make crafts to show dad in the evening. And in the morning, tell the kids how happy dad was with such gifts. The kids will know that dad loves them, that he does not forget about them, even though they rarely see each other. And on weekends, put aside all your affairs and spend these days together, no matter where, but most importantly - with the whole family!

Family traditions are also important.

Each family has its own. Someone goes to visit grandparents on weekends, someone, on the contrary, invites guests to his place. Some go shopping (with the whole family), others visit a museum. There are also families who simply spend the day at home in joint games and lessons.

Whatever traditions take root in your family, these are traditions that children will try to transfer later to their families. Therefore, it is better to have some kind of tradition, even if it is stupid in someone's opinion, than the absence of one at all.

You know, there are wives whose husbands look at them with loving eyes, rush home from work, play with their children on weekends, while their mother drinks coffee in a cafe with her girlfriends. What do these lucky women know and can do that others don't know and can't do? What is their secret?

Learn about it in the audio course " 7 main secrets of happy wives. How to keep love in the family.

I wish you, my dear readers, love in your families, long and happy. Let your children remember only the best and brightest. Love each other in your family and cherish your happiness!

And finally look video by Polina Gagarina "Love will find you!" , Cool music video:

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