Narcissists, psychopaths and other decent people. Narcissists and psychopaths - how to recognize the types of men with whom you should not build a relationship? Who is worse a psychopath or a narcissist

Do you remember the fairy tale about Peter Pan? The name of this character has become a household name.
This is sometimes called, as it were, "undergrown boys", extremely egocentric people who sincerely believe that the whole world revolves around their own ego.
I used to have my own Peter Pan too. By the way, I remember that then I even called him that, purely intuitively, I just remembered a fairy tale, and it was very similar.
I even somehow purely intuitively laughed at him: “There should be one child in the family, and it should be me!”
This story will not appear in the magazine, it makes me sick to remember, and time has passed, the specifics have faded, the feeling remains ...
...but this "child" made me my own personal hell.

In general, Peter Pan is a half-joking designation that easily reveals the image of a person with an infantile and unformed ego. A selfish person, not accustomed to reckon with someone or sympathize.

Despite the fact that such a person always hurts his partner, he does it as if effortlessly, as if it was not his fault, but it happened that way, and he himself remains at the same time, and he must be understood, forgiven and fit under it. And they adjust. And they endure. And they understand. And they forgive.
And they suffer nearby, often unbearably.
But for some reason, in spite of everything, they cannot get away from such a Peter Pan.

Because the reality, if you dig deeper, alas, is terrible.

The fact is that it is precisely the lack of ethics with morality (what should have appeared with “growing up”, but did not appear) and a crumpled ego that give the psyche of manipulators at the exit.
Sometimes manipulators are quite "pocket", but more often - much more often! - what psychiatrists call "perverted narcissists."

Unfortunately, I came across this very closely.

* * * * *
I don't know if psychiatrists will agree with me, but I tend to think that any manipulator is somehow a perverted narcissist. Just either a daffodil in the light version, or a daffodil-hard. And there are really a lot of hard narcissists.

So what is narcissism.
Narcissism is not exclusive self-love, nor self-admiration.
Narcissism is the inaccessibility of human feelings and emotions at the level of the psyche, a distorted perception of the rest of the world and oneself in it.
The feelings and emotions that, by definition, a normal person experiences are that area of ​​human relationships that is either strongly twisted or completely closed to a narcissist.

I can say with confidence that such people cannot be fully called people. But it does not have a connotation of being chosen.
This is a mental disorder. And it's impossible to fix it. No, never, nothing.
What's more, all the professionals I've read unanimously claim that manipulative narcissists are so good at wearing a mask of normality that psychologists themselves become their victims. That is, the narcissist always looks like such a pleasant, adequate and good person that, working with him, not every psychologist will understand what exactly he is dealing with. The manipulator covers the tracks perfectly.

One psychologist (she is on LiveJournal, accion-positiva, and I would honestly put a monument to her for what she does!), spoke very aptly, in the spirit that the psyche of a narcissist is like a compass without a mechanism. That is, if any other violation can be corrected, then in the case of narcissism - alas. This compass only has a box and strap, but no arrow that can be customized. Simply no.

And I understand what she wrote about.
If morality and morality are absent as a species, what and how can this be instilled? Nothing. This should simply be accepted as a fact. That there are people, there are a sufficient number of them, the state of which is somewhat close to a robot.

It is a mechanism that biologically functions.
He eats, sleeps, thinks, laughs, rejoices, works. But his psyche one way or another blocks sympathy, compassion, empathy at the level of reciprocal emotion and other completely human nishtyaks.
The empathy of a manipulative narcissist only works great at the “find and punch” level, but never at the “help, sympathize” level.

All purely human feelings that a manipulative narcissist can display (such as love, affection, empathy, etc.) are either simulation or directed solely at themselves.
The manipulator does not suffer. More precisely, he can suffer only when the "game" does not go according to his rules. And, as you understand, he regrets only himself.

To be honest, when I delved into it, from the point of view of an ordinary person, with normal emotions, it was very difficult for me to understand how it works like that ...
How (remembering my past relationships) I didn’t understand then how this could be at all: it was so strange - the person seemed to do everything on purpose so that I was shaking, constantly shaking, pounding, tormenting me. And even when I tried to explain, adjust, settle down, nothing changed. And I didn’t understand how it was so, here I explain it in an accessible and understandable way, I chew it, but ... like on an ice wall.
Years later, when I realized that this was indeed the case, this is psychiatry, and you just have to accept it as a fact - everything became simple.
As some are unable to feel pain, there is no mechanism.

Instead, the manipulative narcissist has the conviction that he is RIGHT.
In his attitude, initially there are no boundaries beyond which one cannot go.
The narcissist always lives in his own world, where he is - and only he! - has the right to execute and pardon.
And he, in fact, never has mercy. And even under the sauce of mercy - only executions.

He "plays" with his loved ones because he thinks he has a RIGHT to play.
If you are nearby, he needs to subdue you, break you down, finish you off. And not explicitly! This will not be an open battle, but a very undercover war aimed at completely demolishing your psyche.
Conscious war. They are well aware of what they are doing, and consider themselves entitled to do it! Just. That's why. What.

You should not try to understand him, think that he, apparently, suffered somewhere somewhere, and now he is like this, does not believe people ... and other garbage that women tend to justify their tormentors with. And to think that you, with your love, attitude and patience, will fix it.
This will never happen.
Yes, something made him that way. But that something was so long ago, and lies so deep that you can't get there. Not you, not anyone else. His psyche can already work only and exclusively in this way. At the level of physiology, not psychology.

His psyche (psyche, not psychology!) is already sharpened in such a way that, figuratively, all living things nearby must be broken and destroyed. These are his toys.
That is, friends, acquaintances, a woman nearby - this is something like scenery, and they should stand as HE sees fit. And nothing else.
(Therefore, it is often impossible to discuss relations with him constructively, so that everything is simple and understandable - he does not consider it necessary to explain something to the scenery.)
I don't embellish. The brain of the manipulator works exactly like this. Unfortunately, I had and still have too many examples before my eyes to see for myself.

He does this because he needs complete control over the psyche and emotions of the victim.
And people who do not obey his "game" are always destructive for him. Any person who has not yet been broken by him, as it were, brings chaos into his world.
And - it's important! - even if you consider yourself a very close person to him, at the moment when you start to go beyond the limits assigned to him for you (that is, want a different, humane attitude towards yourself, try to clarify the situation, etc.) - you become his enemy.
The narcissist always seeks to destroy those who are near. He does it "just because".

Guys, you just have to accept it. The narcissist sees the world only and exclusively in this way.
Approximately how a color-blind person sees, conditionally, instead of red - green. So it is with the narcissist. Wrong "soldered" psyche.

Otherwise, it doesn't happen. It is difficult for a narcissist to imagine that normally it should be different, and for an ordinary person it is difficult to imagine that this is the case. This should simply be accepted as an axiom. This is psychiatry.

* * * * *
Why the vast majority of hard manipulators are men.
Yes, of course, women (especially mothers) are also manipulators. But we are now talking about the relationship of a COUPLE. And in a pair, if suddenly one of the partners is a hard manipulator, then in the ratio of 98/2 it will be just a man.

Women also manipulate, but their manipulations are not so destructive, usually at the level of “sponges, tears, offended.” And, as one of the readers correctly noted: “Yes, there are female manipulators, but they rarely act as thoughtfully, usually these are momentary whims that a man sees and understands. Another thing is that relationships with "capricious girls" bring men all sorts of goodies, because of which they endure whims. But the breaking of the psyche happens in most cases on the part of men.

And it is.
It is explained by the fact that a woman initially has a more suggestible, soft psyche, malleable. Women are more sensitive to the "weather", tend to delve into themselves, and it is much easier for them to inculcate guilt. Women are guided by nature, while men, on the contrary, are more rigid and confident in their right to be the “owner”.

The manipulations of women, although they are similar in methods (and even then! Not by all! Let's say, women do not use the "trio" technique), but are aimed at getting goodies: a fur coat, money, attention.
The manipulation of the narcissist man is aimed at breaking the psyche and getting the personality of the partner. With the subsequent destruction of this person. Decoration partner. (Female narcissists are much rarer!)

In fact, a manipulating woman is cunning, and a manipulating man is at war. And this is the fundamental difference.
A manipulating woman certainly rarely brings a man to constant tears, nervous breakdowns and neuroses.

Actually, in the comments to the last post, only one man with a story “like clockwork” was noted for hundreds of women. All the rest, excuse me, pouted their lips offendedly.
Here are some quotes from his long history:
“Half a year was treated in a special sanatorium.
I ended up cutting off all contact because I was a "crazy ex" and she was "a poor girl who managed to get in touch"
- I kept having dreams that I just behaved wrong, and in fact I had a chance to have a relationship with that manipulative.
-By the way, when she confessed for fun that she slept with our mutual acquaintance, I began to apologize that I was not such a cool man, since something was missing for her and she was looking for sex on the side.
-5 years have passed ... So I haven’t fully recovered ... And sometimes a terrible fear seizes - when I imagine that I will meet her.

This is exactly what it is, a classic. What I am writing about. Only here the situation is reversed: the woman is a perverted narcissist, and the man is the victim of a narcissist.
Everything else that some men try to present as female manipulation - sorry ... baby talk. Not bringing the partner's psyche to total destruction.

And mothers ... You need to understand that this is a completely different type of manipulation. Yes, the techniques are the same, but this is manipulation that was not originally aimed at breaking the psyche. Mom will not be happy to bring you to a psychiatric hospital, mom has some kind of love, but love. (Although, scary as it may seem, often (not always!) it is mothers who lay the foundation for perverted narcissism.).

The narcissist has no love, just as there is no pity.

* * * * *
Let's get back to our sheep.
The manipulative narcissist always seems to be a nice enough person. Often he takes excellent care of you and literally puts you on a pedestal. At first, you find yourself in a dizzying whirlpool of beautiful relationships.
Moreover, the manipulator will, in fact, be your mirror, he will make you think that you have found the only soul mate possible in the universe, and it will not be the same with anyone.

(I have an absolutely wonderful story told by Leroy. At the initial stage of the relationship, he conquered her by the fact that - wow, what a rarity! - not only knew who Marcus Aurelius was, but also talked about him with Leroy for hours. Moreover, once he brought her a book with his quotes, and confidentially said that this was his desk book ...
... years later, when everything that was in the beginning was forgotten by him, it somehow suddenly turned out by chance that he had not even heard such a name. (Moreover, it turned out that the person does not even know who Dumas is and what he wrote.).
It was then that Lera realized that she, in fact, always conducted all these highly intellectual conversations with herself, and he just “mirrored”, inserting general phrases at the right moments.)

Well, so ... At first, everything will be fabulous. You will have a complete illusion that you have found your soul mate.
Hell starts a little later. When you are in his power.
And you, most likely, for a very long time will not understand what exactly is happening.
The narcissist always acts gradually and subtly. So subtle that people who have escaped from such relationships cannot always explain in words what exactly happened. And what exactly did he do.
And he canceled you.

The manipulator, by his actions, always manages to turn your picture of the world upside down so that you begin to consider him, the manipulator, the center of the universe, completely depend on relations with him, and take the nightmare emanating from him for good.

Moreover! At first, the narcissist often even seems to be undeservedly offended by someone! That is, let's say the relationship that was before you collapsed because it was her fault. And he tried to fix them and save them. She was a fool / crazy / schizophrenic / took out his brain / etc ...
And you will even sympathize with him, and try to understand him as much as possible.
(Great hook, by the way! But don’t hesitate: if your relationship ends, only you will be to blame.
And he will really think so, not even allowing the thought that he was wrong in some way. Do you remember? Only he has the right to "execute".)

But, as a rule, breaking out of a relationship with a manipulator is extremely difficult and painful (I will explain why this happens in posts 3 and 4).
The narcissist will be able to make sure that there will be no resistance. It's hard to resist when you really don't know what it is. It is not for nothing that psychological abuse is called “a fist in a velvet glove”.

Speaking of abuse.
Abuse is something that always accompanies a relationship with a manipulator. Always.
In principle, it is already customary to call abuse any violence, including physical.
Abuse is a word that cannot be translated literally, and in essence it means “use”, moreover, use in one’s favor.

The mechanisms of abuse are, in principle, the same, and I described them in the last post.
Moreover, abuse always begins so implicitly, gently, often under the sauce “for your own good”, that, at first glance, you can’t even call it violence.
But, nevertheless, this is it - psycho-violence, well-disguised aggression against you.

The narcissist was brought up among people and understands that if he starts breaking his partner openly, the partner will resist.
And therefore the psycho-violence of the narcissist is quite subtle. And that's why it's more scary.
Abuse is characterized by breaking down and capturing the boundaries of the partner's personality. Moreover, these boundaries are always broken in such a way that, in fact, there is nothing to present.
That is, a person feels that he is being twisted, but cannot explain how and with what, because formally there is nothing to complain about.
Anyone who has experienced this in their own skin knows how terrible it is.

In subtle abuse, the emotional needs of the partner are manipulatively canceled and made as if they do not exist.
That is, the partner is, as it were, removed, devalued and “erased”.

The manipulator never looks at the partner as a person with emotional needs.
Yes, the narcissist considers his partner his property in the worst sense of the word.

This means that from the moment the narcissist has felt even the slightest dependence on him, the partner will be denied the right to opinions, feelings and pain. Denied the right to a person and one's own soul.
Figuratively, the partner must always go to the scaffold.

If you happen to be partnered with a narcissist, he will psychologically break you down until you break down. If you rebel against such an attitude (and this will invariably happen, you are a man!) - then ...
When the scenery begins to rebel and demand a space for itself, different from what the narcissist assigned to it, this causes the narcissist not to want to understand or calm down (the way it should be in the norm, in a healthy psyche), but rejection and indignation.
How is it that in a world where he is the master, someone does not agree that only he can and should execute?
The scenery should silently demolish everything, that's what they are the scenery for.

That is, in his understanding, a person tormented by him should in no case run away from him or demand a normal attitude towards himself. By this he breaks his picture of the world.

The narcissist has no pity. Or it is perverted and distorted.
Moreover, pity in a very everyday sense, to loved ones. That is, he will feel sorry for the sick kitten, but if you (driven by HIS actions!) start, say, crying, or trying to explain to him that it hurts you, he will feel not compassion and a desire to apologize, figure it out, help, but disgust bordering on desire to "finish".

The mechanics is this: the fact is that the narcissist, as I said, has no feelings. This side is closed to him.
And then he starts rocking someone. He needs to eat. It feeds when it feels like someone is experiencing an emotion. He is a puppeteer, he plays. He leads to emotion, while he always controls this emotion. She is under the control not of the victim, but of him.

But as soon as the scenery starts to break and thereby break his game, this disgusts the narcissist.
Incomprehensible emotions destabilize him and he seeks to be away. He will always “come out” of human feelings.
Therefore, the more you cry next to him or ask for emotional help, the more he ... rages. On the one hand, he has a desire to escape from an emotionally incomprehensible situation for him, on the other ... to finish him off. Execute without the ability to pardon.

The narcissist at such moments really does not feel anything for you except disgust, sympathy at the level of empathy is an emotion that does not exist for him. Generally.
War, baby.

This was very accurately illustrated by the situation of my friend Tanya, who lived for a long time with the reference perverse.
She told how one day, already in a state of extreme exhaustion from his behavior, she was sitting in the kitchen. Her tormentor came out to her, looked at Tanya, turned the pills lying on the table in his hands and asked what it was. She replied that afobazole, a sedative. He said:
-You don't drink these. You drink glycine with barboval. And then vodka.
And left the kitchen.
That is, you see, he, seeing that she was already just close to neurosis (to which he purposefully brought her!), did not try to somehow figure it out, help, correct, but naturally advised her how it would be better for her to drive herself into a coffin.

Another situation with him. Same kitchen. Before that, there were several days of undercover warfare.
Tanya says:
-I had been shaking by that time for several days already (note guys, I won’t tell you now from what, it will be a 20-page post, so just take my word for it now: from what it was, everything is according to the classics. Shaking - from such a life )
I was sitting in the kitchen, he realized that I had been gone for a long time, went out and asked: “Are you crying?”. At the same time, Katya, I naturally physically felt that these words actually meant - “Are you already crying, or is there more pressure?”
I said, "No, I'm not crying."
He looked at me so searchingly, looked directly into my face, with such, you know, strange interest, without a drop of sympathy, and left the kitchen.
And then I had a terrible hysteria ...

Tanya told me later that for a very long time she also could not understand how this could be at all ...

* * * * *
In fact, a relationship with a narcissist is always a vicious circle of hell.
You behave "good" - he breaks you. You behave "badly" - he breaks you.
And this game is without options. Generally without options.

Moreover, the manipulator will always turn the whole thing in such a way that you will be to blame for everything that happens. And you will ask for forgiveness from him. Preferably long and on your knees.

It will always be about you and only you.
And, remember, at the beginning I said that for him any former (or current, in the eyes of others) is always “a fool / abnormal / schizophrenic / takes out his brain / etc ...”.
Well, this is partly true. But only because HE consciously brought her to this by his actions. Broke her mind. He drove her into such a framework where she physically could not behave differently. He always leaves behind a scorched field.
If she (read - finished enemy) becomes uncomfortable for the narcissist, starts to cause a lot of trouble, that is, in fact, resists abuse - he throws her out, covering his tracks.

That is, the narcissist knows how to turn the situation around in such a way that he removes himself from any equation and leaves only you there. It's YOU who has mental problems, not him, yeah ..
Do you remember? “I experienced such departures of him “forever” many times, each time everything went according to one scenario: He is good and leaves because it is necessary, and I am a hysterical woman who tears her hair and asks him to stay. And then he writes to my girlfriends that I'm completely crazy, but having received a portion of their sympathy, he disappeared again for a couple of days. (with)

In general, many people who have been abused simply lose the strength to resist. There is a very borderline, cloudy, extremely unstable state. And the further, the worse.
And it always happens in the same way: the psyche, subjected to covert violence, seems to begin to rush about. And over time, he begins to identify violence against himself almost as a great blessing. This is an adaptive defense of the psyche.

And in such states about people, you can freely wipe your feet. And they will even agree and be happy.
The output is a complete loss of one's own personality, leading to the humiliation of one's own self, loss of will, substitution of concepts and absolute attachment to the tormentor.

* * * * *
Actually, the next post, on Sunday, about what to do if you suddenly realized that next to you is just such a person.
And after that - about what exactly happens to the psyche of victims of abuse.
________

Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often exhibit inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result of exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, relatives and friends.

They use many distractions designed to misinform the victim and shift the responsibility for what is happening to her. These tricks are used by narcissistic personalities, such as psychopaths and sociopaths, to avoid responsibility for their actions.

We list two dozen not too clean tricks with which inadequate people humiliate others and shut their mouths.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that is most easily illustrated with such typical phrases as: “It didn’t happen”, “It seemed to you” and “Are you crazy?”.

Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to question the legitimacy of your complaints of insults and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses this tactic against you, you automatically side with them in order to resolve the cognitive dissonance that has arisen. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.

Projection

One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection.

Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's own negative traits and behaviors by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

While we all use projection to some degree, clinical narcissist Dr. Martinez-Levi notes that in narcissists, projections often become a form of psychological abuse.

Instead of admitting their own faults, flaws, and transgressions, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims, in the most obnoxious and cruel way.

Instead of admitting that they could do with taking care of themselves, they prefer to shame their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist causes others to experience the bitter shame that he feels towards himself.

For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband "sticky" in an attempt to make him dependent; a bad employee may call the boss ineffective in order to avoid a truthful conversation about their own performance.

Narcissistic sadists love to play blame-shifting. Goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result - you or the whole world as a whole is to blame for everything that happened to them. Thus, you have to nurse their fragile egos, and in return you are pushed into a sea of ​​insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?

Decision? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person and don't take their poisonous projections on yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscientiousness and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.

Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in introspection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in a cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.

Hell of a pointless conversation

If you hope for thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain blockage.

Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circling, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you whenever you disagree or challenge them.

This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, take you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty about the fact that you are a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to be different from their own. In their eyes, the problem is your existence.

Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough and you are already wondering how you even got involved in this. You just disagreed with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and omniscient, which leads to the so-called narcissistic injury.

Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing wood on the fire.

Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant.

Generalizations and allegations

Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and understanding different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take into account different opinions.

And it's even easier to put some label on you - this automatically crosses out the value of any of your statements.

On a larger scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to discount phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo.

Thus, any one aspect of the problem is blown up so much that a serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular personalities are accused of rape, many immediately begin to shout that such accusations sometimes turn out to be false.

And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.

Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your hypersensitivity or generalization like: "You are always unhappy with everything" or "You are not happy with anything at all", instead of paying attention to actual problem.

Yes, you may be oversensitive at times - but it's equally likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.

Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind destructive people who spread unfounded generalizations is not the full wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.

Deliberate perversion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity

In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justified emotions, and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists make up all sorts of tall tales, paraphrasing what you said in such a way that your position looks absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you point out to a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you.

In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and you are with us, so perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - even though you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to nullify your right to think and feel about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called "mind reading." Destructive people think they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you.

They act accordingly based on their own illusions and delusions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they expose you as carriers of absolutely wildest intentions and opinions.

They accuse you of being inadequate before you even comment on their behavior, and this is also a form of preemptive defense.

The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say "I didn't say that" and end the conversation if they continue to accuse you of something you didn't do or say. As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from their own behavior, they will continue to make you feel ashamed that you dared to contradict him in some way.

nit-picking and changing the rules of the game

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have no desire to help you improve - they just like to pick on, humiliate and scapegoat you.

Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to a sophism called "game changer" to ensure they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all sorts of evidence to support your argument or accepted all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new requirement or want more evidence.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will nitpick why you are still not a multimillionaire. Did you satisfy his need for 24/7 babysitting? Now prove that you can remain "independent".

The rules of the game will constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; the sole purpose of this game is to get you to seek the attention and approval of a narcissist.

By constantly raising or replacing expectations, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By isolating one minor episode or one of your failures and blowing it up to gigantic proportions, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time.

It forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to meet, and as a result you go out of your way to satisfy his every demand - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you badly.

Do not be fooled by nitpicking and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck over some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm his case or satisfy his requirements, then he is not driven at all by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to make you feel that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

Changing the subject to avoid responsibility

I call this maneuver the “what-of-me-syndrome?”. This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to transfer attention to a completely different one. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they divert the conversation in the direction they want. Are you complaining that he doesn't make time for the kids? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither time nor thematic framework and often begins with the words: "And when you ..."

At the public level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed as soon as one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, specificity is needed for proper consideration and resolution of issues - this does not mean that the topics raised along the way are not important, it just means that for each topic there are its time and its context.

Do not be distructed; if someone is trying to change concepts, use the “broken record” method, as I call it: keep repeating facts stubbornly without deviating from the topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's not get distracted." If it does not help, stop the conversation and direct your energy to a more useful channel - for example, find an interlocutor who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old baby.

Hidden and overt threats

Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world is indebted to them, a false sense of superiority or colossal self-esteem is called into question by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and in doing so, punish you for not living up to their unattainable expectations.

Instead of maturely resolving disagreements and seeking compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, seeking to teach you to be afraid of the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their requirements. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do this, otherwise I will do that."

If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express an excellent opinion, you hear an orderly tone and threats, whether it be veiled hints or detailed promises of punishments, this is a sure sign: you are facing a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never go on compromise. Take the threats seriously and show the narcissist that you are not joking by documenting them if possible and reporting them to the appropriate authorities.

Insults

Narcissists preemptively make a big deal of bullshit whenever they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts a narcissistic injury on them, leading to narcissistic rage.

According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults are a quick and easy way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while depriving you of the right to be human. with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and ideas. A well-founded point of view or a compelling rebuttal suddenly becomes "ridiculous" or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but can't make a substantive objection.

Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you, seeking in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and unequivocally state that you do not intend to tolerate this.

Don't take it personally: understand that they resort to insults only because they don't know any other way to get their point across.

"Training"

Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they, as if by chance, make derogatory remarks about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, vacations and weekends.

They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained", making you afraid to do all the things that once made your life rich.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention all the time. At the stage of idealization you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist should be the center of your world.

In addition, narcissists are naturally morbidly jealous and cannot stand the thought that anything can shield you even in the slightest from their influence. For them, your happiness is everything that is not available to them in their emotionally scarce existence.

After all, if you find that you can get respect, love, and support from someone who is non-destructive, what will keep you from parting with them? In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to get you to tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dream.

slander and persecution

When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you look destructive.

Slander and gossip is a preemptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support left in case you decide to end the relationship and leave a destructive partner. They may even harass and harass you or someone you know, ostensibly to "expose" you; such "exposure" is just a way to cover up your own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip hardens against each other two or even entire groups of people. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often doesn't know what's being said about her as long as the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to your or your loved ones, spread rumors that make you the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly such actions, accusations of which on your part they fear the most.

In addition, they will methodically, covertly and intentionally hurt you, so that later they will cite your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.

The best way to counteract slander is to always control yourself and stick to the facts. This is especially true for conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you in order to use your reactions against you later.

If possible, document any form of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. When it comes to harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; it is advisable to find a lawyer who is well versed in narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves as the mask begins to peel off the narcissist.

Love bombardment and devaluation

Destructive people take you through the stage of idealization until you take the bait and start a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they begin to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that initially attracted them to you.

Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes around new partners/partners, and over time begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same thing as the previous ones.

In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombardment method if your partner's behavior towards others contrasts sharply with the sugary sweetness that he displays in a relationship with you.

As personal development instructor Wendy Powell suggests, a good way to resist love bombardment from someone you see as potentially destructive is to take your time.

Keep in mind that the way a person speaks of others can foreshadow how they will one day feel about you.

Preventive defense

When someone overemphasizes that he/she is a “nice guy” or “nice girl”, they immediately begin to say that you should “trust him (her)”, or assure you of their honesty out of the blue - be careful.

Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should "trust" them without first building a solid foundation for such trust.

They can skillfully "disguise" themselves, portraying a high level of empathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of violence reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip, and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.

Genuinely good people seldom have to constantly brag about their positive qualities- they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and they know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street that requires reciprocity, not constant suggestion.

To counter preemptive defense, consider why the person emphasizes their good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him, or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by deeds; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you matches the one he claims to be.

Triangulation

Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of drawing an outsider into the communication dynamic is called "triangulation." A common device for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and discounting the victim's reactions, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unbalanced.

Narcissists love to triangulate with strangers, co-workers, ex-spouses, friends, and even family members to make them jealous and insecure. They also use the opinions of others to support their point of view.

This maneuver is designed to divert your attention from the psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive way as a popular, desirable person. Plus, you start to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I'm still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others supposedly said about you, while they themselves say nasty things behind your back.

To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, the narcissist is in charge of all the roles. Answer him with your own "triangulation" - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

Lure and pretend to be innocent

Destructive personalities create a false sense of security so that it is easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. It is worth such a person to drag you into a senseless, random quarrel - and it will quickly develop into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect.

Petty disagreement can be bait, and even if you initially restrain yourself as polite, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

Having "lured" you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, nasty phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their machinations to provoke you.

Once you have swallowed the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “did not mean” to stir your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and makes you believe he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malicious intent.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common baiting techniques are provocative statements, insults, hurtful accusations, or unfounded generalizations.

Trust your intuition: if some phrase seemed to you somehow “not like that”, and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it, perhaps this is a signal that you should slowly comprehend the situation before reacting.

Boundary Checking and Vacuuming Tactics

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive personalities are constantly testing your boundaries to see which ones can be violated. The more violations they can commit with impunity, the further they will go.

This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.

Abusers often resort to "vacuum cleaner tactics", as if "sucking" their victim back with sweet promises, fake remorse and empty words about how they change, only to subject them to new bullying.

In the sick mind of the abuser, this boundary testing serves as a punishment for trying to resist the violence, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist tries to start over from scratch, reinforce the boundaries even more, rather than retreat from them.

Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and sympathy. They only react to the consequences.

Aggressive injections under the guise of jokes

Covert narcissists love to tell you nasty things. They pass them off as “just jokes”, as if reserving the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry at rude, obnoxious remarks, they accuse you of not having a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.

The manipulator betrays a contemptuous smirk and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he enjoys the fact that he can offend you with impunity. This is just a joke, right?

Not this way. It's a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to turn the conversation from his cruelty to your alleged hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you bring these hidden insults to the attention of the manipulator, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if it does not help, stop communicating with him.

Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Belittling and humiliating others is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of the many tools in his arsenal. Giving each other sarcastic remarks can be fun when it's mutual, but the narcissist uses sarcasm purely as a form of manipulation and humiliation. And if it hurts you, then you are "too sensitive."

Nothing that he himself throws tantrums whenever someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it is the victim who is "oversensitive". When you are constantly being treated like a child and being challenged for your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand.

This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut your mouth because you are doing it yourself.

When faced with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state it clearly and concisely. You do not deserve to be spoken to like a child, and even more so you do not have to remain silent for the sake of someone's megalomania.

shame

"Aren `t you ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from quite normal people, in the mouth of a narcissist and a psychopath, shame is an effective method of dealing with all kinds of views and actions that threaten their undivided power.

It is also used to destroy and nullify the victim's self-esteem: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in him for that particular trait, quality or achievement can lower his self-esteem and stifle any pride in the bud.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the wrongs or abuse you have suffered, causing you new psychological trauma.

Did you experience abuse as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will tell you that you somehow deserved it, or brag about their own happy childhood in order to make you feel inadequate and worthless.

What better way to offend you than to pick up old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound, not heal it.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerable sides or long-term psychological trauma from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that can then be used against you.

The control

Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you in any way they can. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circles, and rule over every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.

That is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, as long as you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest provocation.

That is why they become emotionally isolated, and then again rush to idealize you, as soon as they feel that they are losing control. That is why they oscillate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and realize that you have been the victim of psychological abuse. By studying manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you are facing and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.

One of the most common questions that readers ask me is: is it really impossible to correct narcissism? What if the person tries hard? And if you strongly, strongly support him? ..

I am inclined to the opinion of most experts that these personal breakdowns are extremely difficult to correct or not amenable at all. So, is it worth much hope for the narcissist's desire to go into therapy and hope for its success?

I sometimes write narcissists "with help" who are in long-term therapy and note changes for the better. For example, one narcissist reader is satisfied at least that he was able to stop drinking, came out of years of isolation (he describes it as a “narcissistic hunger strike”) and began to work again.

I am sincerely pleased with such stories, although I cannot but understand that it is unlikely that the “enlightenment” of a narcissist, even one who very much wants to change in himself, will be long and stable - such that you can be in a relationship with him without feeling like on the volcano.

In addition, the personality of a narcissist, even if he has begun to understand and reconfigure himself, and the personality of a mentally healthy person are still heaven and earth. The "black hole" will not completely drag on, idealization-depreciation and a weak ability to empathy will not go anywhere. At best, the narcissist will learn to treat people more acceptably - and then he will succeed with varying degrees of success. But it is hardly worth expecting profound changes and sustainable results.

A vivid example of this is the experience of working with a narcissistic patient of psychotherapist Sergei Sokolov. He wrote a long article about this therapy. Today I am publishing it - I think that it will be informative for you to observe the course of therapy, the patient's reactions and the therapist's characteristic sense of self. I will give my remarks at the end of the story, in the second post. I highlighted some significant points in Sokolov's article in bold.

(the picture is on the left, this is not Dr. Sokolov :)

Patient C., 30 years old, has been in therapy for a year and a half, during which time more than 100 sessions have passed, setting twice a week for 50 minutes. The case is not over. Main complaints when applying: inability to have sexual relations which did not exist before that day; frequent depressive states with one suicide attempt; a constant feeling of inferiority and inferiority, which does not allow you to establish normal relationships at work. The patient came to me on the advice of a psychologist, after several months of consultations, which they jointly decided to stop because of the aggravation of the process by the personal relationship that existed between S. and the psychologist for some time before the consultations began.

Previously, the patient attended several psychological trainings. Their results were not very long-term: "... the enthusiasm that was present after them was replaced by depression in two weeks, because the reality did not correspond to the myth that they suggested believing in."

Anamnesis

S. was born at seven months old, with birth injuries, and spent the first few weeks in the "incubator". Mom sat with him for up to three months, after which she went to work, and the grandmother took care of the child up to a year. At the age of one year, the child was sent to a nursery, from where he was taken twice a week. The father was constantly on business trips, so the patient remembers him only by the gifts that he gave him.
brought (“... he felt guilty before me and tried to pay off me ...”).

At the age of 4, S. ended up in a hospital with an infectious disease, where he cried a lot and then was very offended by his mother that she did not take him away from there. When the patient was 6 years old, a younger brother was born, and his mother told him that he would no longer sleep in the same bed with her, as he had before. S. was offended by her and did not communicate with her for a long time, any tactile contacts with his mother became unpleasant to him, and the resentment for this did not pass until the moment he went to therapy.

In relations with peers, S. always had problems. The girls never liked him, they always preferred his friends, he experienced an “inferiority complex” in front of the boys, considered them more developed and gave in to them, experiencing a feeling of envy towards them, although somewhere deep down he felt his own eccentricity. By his own assessment, he has always been greedy.

During puberty, love appeared, but especially the patient was attracted to older women, "from whom you could learn something." There were practically no relationships with men, because they were built on the basis of "use or be used." The patient wanted to get something from this communication, but with the development (deepening) of the relationship friends began to use him, and he ended the relationship.

Communication with the younger brother was of the nature of "teacher-student". As a child, he took care of him, but when he had problems with his peers, who sometimes mocked S., he took revenge on his brother, doing the same with him. This continued until his brother rebuffed him. S. was frightened, and since then relations with his brother have been very cool, "one might say, there was none." Although from a certain point the patient began to envy his brother, because he gathered companies, there were girls. At an older age, the patient began to feel a certain guardianship towards his brother. But, as a rule, it came down to "giving" advice.

My father was constantly on the road, and when he was at home, he drank a lot and gradually became drunk. "This is a man who never found himself in this life." Somewhere during the patient's school years, he and his mother decided that they were more comfortable living alone. In his student years and after them S. began to feel like the head of the family, ie. the person who is responsible for the financial condition of the family (after graduation, the patient began to earn good money, because his specialty is in demand in the labor market). At present, he is a good specialist.

S. had no close friends, he kept his distance with his acquaintances. Until about the age of 18, he considered himself smarter than his peers, but then he realized that this was not so: “... I could not achieve all the goals that I set for myself ... although professionally I am much higher than my peers .. .".

Relations with the opposite sex developed as follows. He was attracted to women who were much older, inaccessible, from whom, in his opinion, one can learn what he lacks - the ability to communicate, be significant to others, and also get what his mother did not add. A very strong attachment appeared to them, a desire for sexual contact. However, in all attempts to improve relations, he fell into the position of "rejected".

Then S. tried to "buy" the woman's favor with various expensive gifts. This behavior is explained by the patient as he believed that a woman could not love him or want to be with him intimate relationship herself, she can only give in, do a favor, which is what he wanted.

Such relationships could last for several years, with periodic depressive states leading to short separations and returns. Sooner or later, this led to a break at the initiative of women, and the patient felt his complete failure, worthlessness and fell into depression, during one of which he wanted to make a suicidal attempt.

If a woman showed interest in him and was ready to approach him, he developed anxiety that he might be sexually inept, uninteresting, not deserving of attention to himself, and he himself stopped communicating, and solved physiological problems with the help of onanism.

Two years before the start of therapy, the patient began to live separately from his parents. The father drank himself, and the patient earned the money for which the family existed. At this time, S. gave his mother an ultimatum: either she kicks her father out, or he leaves the house.

The patient asked for help in a depressed state, which arose due to another failure with a woman.

Dynamics of the analytical process

During the first three months of work, the main topic discussed in the office was the previous and present experience of building relationships, especially with the opposite sex. The patient himself strongly associated this experience with an early (oedipal) traumatic relationship with his mother.

I had the feeling that without solving the problem of sexual relations, the patient would not stay in therapy, it caused too much subjective anxiety, which, in turn, led to objective problems in building relationships with the outside world.

During the initial period of therapy, I periodically had a feeling of confusion and a feeling that the process was going somehow wrong and I had to do something. The patient remained cold, without emotion he described the events, actions, people about which I asked. After the end of the meeting, I usually had a feeling of dissatisfaction and devastation.

Memories of deep childhood, youth, student years, and the recent past were analyzed. My questions were focused on clarifying and identifying patterns in relationships with people, regardless of their depth, duration and subjectively determined significance.

The technique I chose at this stage was largely manipulative, but not directive. Clarifications, confrontations, combined with acceptance and attachment, in my opinion, should have allowed S. to turn his inexplicable fear of a woman into anxiety, which would be “tied” to specific frustrations, events, objects, which would strengthen his Ego and increase “ potency" of the relationship.

Here is an example of one such session:

Patient: After psychological courses, I met a girl... I liked her...

Analyst: Was this acquaintance long-term?

P .: No, we met several times ... the last time at a party with one boy from these courses.

A: Did something happen at that party?

P: Yes, it's the same. It was possible to have an intimate relationship with her, but they did not work out.

A .: Maybe you can tell me more about this girl?

P .: It was a young, beautiful girl, as it seemed to me then. Long hair, good figure... I saw her several times and only once in an informal setting, at this party. We drank a little there, danced ... ended up together in the bathroom, and that's it. After that, I never saw her again.

A .: Did she do something in the bathroom that led to a complete break in relations between you?

P: Yes and no. It happened. I again refused sex, which she offered.

A .: She offered him in such a way that it was better to refuse?

P .: I don’t know, it’s unlikely, it’s just that the same thing happened to me as usual. I began to be afraid, I began to shake, my speech became confused, I began to come up with reasons why I didn’t want to do this with her, and, in the end, I realized that she simply ceased to be interesting to me.

A .: Can you tell me about her behavior at this party?

P .: I can, but why, I don’t know, (after a short silence) I filled my shirt and went to the bathroom to wash it. She went to help me. She went in, closed the door, and when I took off my shirt, she began to hug me, kiss me ... I told her that I don’t want this now. She even started to disgust me then. Got dressed and left.

A .: How did the girl react to this?

P .: I don’t remember, but it seems that I was dissatisfied or surprised, I don’t remember ...

A: Why did this happen, do you think?

P .: In order for me to have an intimate relationship with a woman, she must have certain qualities: to be more experienced than me, not to have complexes, to be independent. Otherwise, it becomes uninteresting to me. And I can't just have sex. May be, I'm just looking for a substitute mother who didn't satisfy me as a child.

A: What is a "mother substitute"?

P: This is probably the woman I described. Well, that's how it looks to me.

A .: With such a woman, it is probably very easy to have sex, but perhaps it would be sex of unequal partners, like sex between a mother and a child?

P: Maybe (silence) I'm confused. It's just an image of a woman that I want to meet and have a relationship with... (After a short silence) Are you saying that this also applies to the situations that we analyzed? I don't know, maybe, but I don't feel it. Although there may be something in it. I also abandoned my mother in childhood, or rather, from her care and caresses. But here it’s completely different, here it’s about sexual relations, this was not the case in childhood ...

This was the third similar case that we analyzed. The explanatory model that I proposed to him here was intended to "bind" the anxiety that constantly accompanied the patient after such situations and could resist the feeling of his own inferiority, inferiority, inability, in the end, his own "badness". All these feelings in the patient at this stage were concentrated on the inability to establish normal sexual relations, after each attempt to establish which a depressive state arose. The patient himself could not solve the problem of the internal feeling of inferiority.

Unconsciously, he solved it by constantly looking for external confirmation of his significance, mainly, this was manifested in the desire for professional growth and professional excellence. (“... I was brought out of the last depression by a young man whom I began to teach, I felt my significance ...”).

At the next session, the patient said that after the last meeting there was a very light condition, "there was a feeling that I left something here that bothered me ...". At the same meeting, S. said that in childhood he suffered from enuresis.

Patient: Until the third grade, I suffered from enuresis, which caused great trouble, especially in the pioneer camps, where my parents sent me from the first grade ... I was very shy about it, and I felt like everyone was laughing at me.

Analyst: You only told me this today because something has changed in our relationship?

P .: No, I just for some reason forgot to tell about it earlier.

In this session, the patient was most open, talking about his plans at work and about the upcoming date with a woman.

After this meeting, S.'s attitude to the analytical process changed dramatically. I made the mistake of thinking that a new stage had begun in our relationship, that the patient felt safe and trusted me. This is most likely what happened, but I did not take into account that S. is not able to have such close contact for a long time, and a complete break in relations must necessarily follow him.

P .: There is a very strong irritation after our last conversations ... Today I did not want to come here. There is a sense of the futility of what we are doing, I want to feel progress, to feel that you are improving, but this is not.

A .: Is it because at the last meetings I learned something that I was better off not knowing?

P: No. But progress is not visible... Money is also a pity for this, when there is no progress, it is not clear what you are paying for...

A .: You say this, meaning that I work poorly and do not work out the money that you pay me. Maybe we can discuss it?

P .: No, I don’t want to discuss anything, I’m not interested in all this ... I don’t want anything, I want to be alone, I want to listen to what is happening inside you ... I have a feeling that you treat me negatively, but I wanted it to be a neutral attitude ...

A .: You made such a conclusion because I allow something in our relationship that is better not to do?

P: No. Just I feel like I'm in a "low" position. You are associated with the teacher and I am the student.

A .: If I did not give a reason for such a conclusion, then, probably, there are other reasons?

P .: Yes, it seems, but I don’t want to discuss it.

After this session and S. decided to stop therapy, but a month later, on his initiative, the analysis was resumed. During this month, the patient established promiscuous relationships with women, his anxiety decreased. The main problem he now wanted to solve through analysis was the diminished but debilitating anxiety, inability to love, mechanistic relationships with others and,
especially with the opposite sex.

The technique I have chosen to work with the patient at this stage is total acceptance, empathy, attachment, occasional clarification. During the sessions, I was quite active, asking a lot of questions. In addition, I constantly kept a distance in our relationship. If the patient was regressing (which was rare enough) and the distance was shortening, I made sure to leave time at the end of the session to discuss what was happening.

During the first few meetings after the break, there was an atmosphere of irritation in the analysis room. After the sessions, I was left feeling the futility of the ongoing process and a complete misunderstanding of what was happening.

A .: You told me very little about your childhood, maybe we will talk about your friends or acquaintances who are remembered. From kindergarten, school, etc.

P .: There were none ... I remember one moment ... the girl kissed the boy, but I didn’t ... we were then 7-8 years old.

A .: Even if the girl liked that boy more, it was still very insulting. I can imagine how a little boy must feel in such a situation.

P: Yes, I then was very offended and in full force I felt my inferiority complex. I envied him...

This approach made it possible to create a situation in which S. felt safe, I accepted him without commenting, without explaining, making it clear to the patient that his emotions, desires, fears have the right to exist and, showing them within the walls of the office, he meets an even friendly attitude, and in some cases, empathic empathy.

On the other hand, my attention, focused on the emotional states that arose during the sessions, allowed me to better understand what was happening in the patient's soul "here and now". After a few sessions, this gave its results.

P: Now I begin to understand why I decided to stop the analysis then. I felt something unnatural happening. Your questions, comments did not correspond to reality, they did not correspond to the way I saw and understood it. From this, I had even more self-doubt, it accumulated, and then I just broke off the relationship.

A: This conclusion seems quite plausible to me. This happened, probably, because I did not know and understand you well enough then. Do you think that the degree of trust that exists in our relations now would allow us to discuss such a situation if it arose again?

P .: Yes, I began to trust you a little more. I don’t know, I only realized it now, but then it all happened unconsciously ... Maybe it will happen again, for me this is a familiar form of behavior.

It was a small insight, both for the patient and for me. It became obvious to the patient that in our relationship he uses habitual patterns of behavior, and one such form of behavior became conscious, it became ego-dystonic. It became obvious to me that my active behavior was attacking the patient's defenses and thus making his ego even weaker, hence increasing anxiety.

At one of the sessions, at my request, the patient told me in detail about all the girls with whom he was in a relationship at that time. The session then proceeded as follows:

A .: Is there anything in common in our relations and relations with these girls?

P.: I keep myself at a distance, I try not to get attached, therefore I am cold... With you the situation is different. The relationship is more or less trusting, but it is unnecessary to become attached to you ... You can become attached to something, and you are an unknown person for me, for me it can be too traumatic.

A: Am I doing something that causes concern?

P .: If I am attached to someone, then any refusal is perceived as too traumatic for me, and trust is deserved ...

A: How can I earn your trust?

P: I don't know. Our relationship is formal, I pay money for them. There is a proposal, let's go to the bathhouse and hold one lesson there, I fully finance this event.

A: This is a very interesting proposal. Maybe we will first discuss why I can win your trust in the bathhouse, but I can’t do it in the office?

P .: (after a short silence) I can’t lead in relationships, I get negative when I understand that I am responsible for the emerging relationship.

This is the end of the session. I perceived this session, on the one hand, as another reminder to me by the patient about the need to maintain a certain distance, and on the other hand, I felt a tendency to reduce it on his part, which caused some anxiety in S. Anxiety arose, perhaps, also because the patient had homosexual feelings towards me, which could not be accepted by his rigid Super-Ego.

In this session, I did not focus on the manifested homosexual feelings, and after a while the patient himself returned to this topic.

P .: I had a dream: I am with a girl I know, we should have an intimacy ... I start to take off her panties, but it turns out not to be a woman, but a man ... I feel very disgusted ... I sit on the edge of the ottoman , he persuades me, sticks to me ... I am completely at a loss, but then turned around and punched him in the forehead ...

A: Can you describe this man?

P .: Yes, about thirty years old ... Maybe it was you, I had such an idea ...

A .: Is there a sexual connotation in our relationship?

P .: (silence) It feels like there is something ..., I don’t know what, but there is ... I don’t know how to describe it, it’s not a desire for sex, but sometimes there are some sensations, and it gets annoying...

A .: Do you think there is something in common in the proposal to go to the bath and these sensations?

P .: I also thought about it now ... but the main thing in my proposal to go to the bathhouse was the desire for spiritual rapprochement ... Although, probably unconsciously, I wanted, perhaps, something else, but it was completely unconsciously ... For some reason, it is very disgusting to talk about this topic (silence). Now I suddenly remembered that I had similar feelings in relation to my father and brother ... It was once or twice (silence).
I was 16 years old, maybe even less, I remember, it first came to my father, and then to my brother... But then it was very unpleasant and disgusting for myself that you had such thoughts...

A. (I felt a certain discomfort): You must be feeling uncomfortable talking about this topic now. Could you describe them?

P: Yes, it's the awkwardness and the desire to stop talking about it.

A: We can't talk about these feelings because they might hurt one of us, or might they do something else?

P: No, I don't know why. I can probably talk to you about this...

At the next session, we continued to discuss this topic. S. came to the conclusion that homosexual feelings arise in him only in a "passive position" when he must obey someone. This situation happened in our relationship at the beginning of therapy. The emergence of such feelings in relation to his father and brother is also due to his passivity at that moment in his life. This then manifested itself in everything: “... but the fact that I had this dream right now and I was able to realize that I have these feelings is probably connected with some processes that are happening inside me ... at the end After all, something has happened, if I can talk about it, I can recognize it in myself.

Constantly manifested oedipal problems, manifested in relations with both mother and father and brother, in the process of work, it was possible to connect with earlier memories, fantasies and designate the "castration complex".

P.: After a sexual relationship, I sometimes have very unpleasant feelings.. On the one hand, they are unpleasant, and on the other hand, they excite... I have a feeling that behind these feelings lies something very deep, these feelings are somehow unnatural...

A .: Such feelings are familiar, have they ever arisen before?

P: Yes. Now I remembered how my mother walked in front of me in a nightgown when I was six or seven years old ... This was also unpleasant, somehow strange, but on the other hand, it was exciting ... I always liked women older than me; teachers, coach's wife, high school girls... and I always thought they were free, I was somehow convinced that the men who are next to them are not competitors, they simply have to give in to the woman that I liked ...

A: Did the same happen to your mother?

P .: (after a short silence) Yes, probably ...

(End in next post)

The feelings of victims of emotional abuse are very similar, as are its consequences: destroyed self-esteem, depression and anxiety. If you experience any of these ten feelings all the time in your relationship - disorientation, loneliness, anxiety, overwhelm, overwhelm, fear, anger, guilt, shame, under the influence of narcissistic abuse. Most often in an unhealthy love relationship, these emotions come in combination with each other.

So, your relationship developed rapidly, like a hurricane, deep down you felt turmoil. Something seemed strange to you and too good to be true - but you could not fully comprehend it. Maybe you've had trouble finding a partner before, or trust, or self-esteem, and that's why it seemed incredibly beautiful to you, especially if everyone else thought you were an amazing couple and didn't see any problems with how quickly you got together. But then something went wrong.

1. Disorientation

- You note the temper of a partner or partner, outbursts of anger, irritability, excessive jealousy, but you console yourself with the fact that he or she simply has such a character;

– The partner was so charming, witty, intellectual - a real prince (or a charming princess). Everything is like in the story about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: the latter appeared unexpectedly. Since you have been influenced by the inconsistent behavior of your partner, your ability to reason and adequate perception of reality has been seriously tested. You began to ask yourself if you are going crazy, maybe in fact you forgot something, misunderstood, misheard?

2. Loneliness

- You didn't understand that texting you, constant calls, skype calls, wanting to be constantly in touch with you, is a way to control you - you thought it was love;

- For a long time, the partner rejected your family and friends, and wanted you to spend time only with him;

- But when you tried to complain about him, it turned out that no one understands and does not want to listen to you;

- It was too painful for you to learn about how happy others can be with their loved ones, because against the background of someone else's happiness, your grief was especially noticeable.

3. Alarm

- Your partner devalues ​​you by making boorish and mocking remarks about “stupid women” / “lousy intellectuals”, about your education, your native places, and you began to believe that being needed by him is a great success for you;

– He does weird things, hides his phone, hides some friends, chats with strangers on social networks, but at the same time tries to convince you that you are just jealous and control freaks;

- You see that your relationship is reduced to endless empty, fruitless conversations;

- You do not understand how you will live without a partner.

4. Depression

– You do not get what you wanted;

- You understand that you must leave, but you do not know how;

- The partner manipulates the minds of your children, convinces them that you are ruining the family, that you are behaving inappropriately. Turns the kids against you;

“He launched a smear campaign against you, and now everyone around believes that you really did those terrible things that you really didn’t do;

5. Stupefy

- You knew what he was capable of, but did not want to rock the boat and therefore freeze in indecision;

– You have been dissociated from your own feelings for so long that you no longer know how you really feel;

- He found a replacement for you within a few days or weeks, and removed all signs of a relationship with you;

6. Fear

- No one took your concerns seriously - especially those who had never been in an abusive relationship - people thought you were overreacting;

- You were afraid to tell anyone something, because in retaliation he could damage your career or otherwise try to destroy you.

7. Anger

- You are angry that you bought into his manipulations and lies, not realizing that you were manipulated and that you were lied to;

- He went to another victim without any regrets, and he is not hurt at all, while you felt emotionally drained.

8. Feeling remorse

- You feel guilty that every time you tried to leave, you stayed, because the partner said that he needed you so that he could improve, so that you felt sorry for him, because he had a bad childhood, or because he need your support;

- You would like to hear all the alarm bells at once in order to understand what it was, but the right time has passed;

“You regret not running away sooner.

9. Embarrassment and shame

- The people around you all the time ask why you have not left or left for so long, you are ashamed to answer;

“You don't really know why you stayed with him and how to explain it;

- You know that others consider the strange behavior of your ex to be the result of a relationship with you.

10. Secondary trauma

– Deep down you can’t let him go, you love him, and therefore you hate yourself and are angry with your feelings;

- You feel that you can break down and renew contact with him, believing for a while (or maybe even for weeks or months) that everything will be different;

– You dream about the beautiful, but you distrust people, suspect that they secretly want to use you, it drives you crazy, and you are angry with yourself for it.

Incredible Facts

We talk about the reasons why you attract bad guys.

Have you ever wondered how you could fall in love with a psycho? After all, you actually believed that he was your soulmate, your destiny. However, the end was the usual - a sea of ​​​​tears and a desire to never deal with men again.

In the beginning, everything was wonderful: he filled up with compliments, gave flowers, you were surrounded by care and attention. He seemed very cheerful, charismatic, polite and handsome.

But one fine day, he became a monster, began to deceive you, borrow and lose this money, began to control you and raise his hand. You immediately try to find the reasons for this. It is very likely that aliens attacked your lover's brain, but most likely you are just in a relationship with a narcissist.

Some of us easily attract sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths without even realizing it. Such a man is looking for a woman with specific character traits, which is easier to manipulate.

And now we will share with you the indicators that you are a tasty prey for a person with mental disorders.

Psychopath Influence

1. You have codependency.

In romantic relationships, codependent women are often the parent, taking full responsibility. On the other hand, such women cannot express their emotions and feelings, and they are not self-confident.

Codependent women are very fond of taking care of those people who need them, as this increases their self-esteem. Often, the companion of a codependent woman is addicted to computers, drugs, gambling, and alcohol.

In addition, in a relationship there is a refusal to share responsibility, systematic lying, regular cheating, as well as exploitation and use of a partner for personal gain.

Partners of Narcissists

2. You have a penchant for empathy, you are a very sensitive person.

Such a person worries about the needs of another and cares about his feelings. He knows how to put himself in the place of someone who is in trouble, or who is seriously injured.

Sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists have no desire to help those around them. They don't care what other people feel. They will shamelessly use other people to achieve their own desires and goals. They don't know what guilt is.

The narcissist knows full well that the empath will take pity on him, try to save and help him even when he understands who he has contacted. The stronger the bond between them, the deeper the empath will sink into this toxic relationship.

The narcissist in your life

3. Your father was very good

The victims of unbalanced men are often those ladies who had or have very good fathers. Such women are too trusting of men. It doesn’t fit in their head that a man can do something bad to them, because they have always been treated like queens.

Such women believe that it is very easy to distinguish an evil person from a good one - he looks like a villain from a cartoon. But all due to the fact that such a woman still met a real bastard who very skillfully hides his essence.

Even if dad or someone else wants to warn her, she will still hope for the best until it's too late.

Narcissists and psychopaths

4. You are very shy

The presence of problems with self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and self-confidence, as well as shyness - this attracts a psychopath in women. He can read body language. Are you nervous, wring your hands during a conversation, look away, shift in your chair? So you are an excellent candidate.

By behaving in this way, you let the narcissist know that you are easy to manipulate, since you are psychologically vulnerable, which means that you will not be able to resist his tricks. Moreover, you will not tell anyone about the horrors that you have to go through.

And all he needs is your silence and your humility. Narcissists and psychopaths are looking for shy and weak partners who do not know how to throw scandals, object, and just complain to someone.

5. Your age is already over the average, and you make good money

Psychopaths or narcissists not only take advantage of other people physically and emotionally, they also want to profit financially. A woman with a car, an apartment, a bank account, a good job and other "pluses" is a great prey for a psycho.

It is convenient for them to enter into relationships with women who are already over 35. You can keep such ladies near you, promising to marry and have children. Such a woman will often cling to her partner to the last, no matter how nasty he may be, because she believes that this is her last chance.

Wanting to jump into the last car of the outgoing train, the woman loses her head, and as a result, she is left with a crippled heart and a broken trough.

6. You are too trusting

People who trust unconditionally are ideal victims. They do not ask for any evidence from the partner, trusting him at his word. However, tolerance, desire to please, compassion and naivety often play cruel jokes with their "masters".

A psychopath will easily take advantage of these features of yours without a twinge of conscience. While you share your secrets with him, he lies to your face, while you are faithful to him, he cheats on you right and left. A psychopath needs to have such a loyal partner next to him who will forgive and understand everything.