The question of whether close marital relations are permissible on days Orthodox post ov, worries many couples. The opinions of the priests also differ - some of them adhere to a strict ascetic position and prohibit bodily communication, while others speak of a more free attitude to this issue. How to build a marital relationship in fasting?

What the Bible and Holy Fathers Say About Temperance

Holy Scripture provides answers to any questions regarding human life. The bodily manifestation of love between husband and wife is no exception. The Bible says the following in the words of the Apostle Paul:

Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a time, for the exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance. (1st Epistle to the Corinthians)

This is the main biblical text that characterizes the attitude of the Christian faith to the issue of limiting bodily pleasures. Theologians and experienced priests interpret it like this - it’s good for a husband and wife sometimes, for the period that the Church has set aside for fasting, to refrain from intimate relationships. However, such a feat should be exclusively mutual, in agreement with both spouses.

The Bible advises refraining from intimacy during fasting

Many novice Christians who have only tasted the joy Orthodox faith, very zealously and strictly begin to observe all fasts and church prescriptions. It is good if the couple came to the Lord at the same time, and neither the husband nor the wife feel any infringement.

Family Prayers:

In addition to the words of the Apostle Paul, one can adopt the 4th rule of St. Dionysius of Alexandria, which says that spouses should be their own judges - i.e. they can decide for themselves when and how much to abstain. And a suitable measure for one couple may not satisfy another at all.

The Holy Father of our Church, John Chrysostom, explains this point in this way: excessively zealous abstinence can provoke a situation where one of the couple will experience strong temptations. And if the couple does not come to their senses in time and do not build the right rhythm intimate life- do not avoid change. And betrayal is a much bigger problem than breaking the fast.

About the dangers of a feat beyond one's strength

When Christians are just beginning their path to God (such people are called neophytes), many of them fall into extremes. Any church rules, canons, and just traditions are perceived by them as an unshakable truth that requires the most precise and strict implementation. Such people are easy to recognize by the extreme categoricalness with which they talk about Christianity.

Important! It must not be forgotten that fanaticism is as far removed from the faith of Christ as complete unbelief in God.

Who crucified Jesus Christ? Pharisees and scribes, who very accurately knew and meticulously fulfilled all the doctrinal prescriptions. And it was precisely this obsession with form, and not with spiritual content, that did not allow them to see the Savior who had come into the world.

Also in the family - the excessive zeal of one of the couple for asceticism and spiritual exploits can significantly harm the family, especially when it comes to young people. Most often, women fall into such extremes, strictly announcing to her husband that during the fast he should forget about bodily relationships.

In the first place in the hierarchy of family values ​​should be love.

If the spouse is not distinguished by deep faith and does not himself strive to observe fasting, he can come to a great sin because of the excessive severity of his wife. In this case, the betrayal of the husband will also lie on the conscience of the wife who provoked her.

Meanwhile, experienced priests tell the spouses that they must “drown” bodily passions in each other. Living an ordinary worldly life, and even in modern world, it is impossible to avoid the temptations of the opposite sex. And the task of man is to respond correctly to temptation. Wise spouses, at the slightest hint of the appearance of passion, run to each other and extinguish the birth of this passion in each other.

What will happen if in such a situation one of the spouses declares that he has a strict post? The other will have to fight his temptation alone. It is good if a person has enough spiritual strength to overcome it, but this does not always happen. In addition, if the second spouse is not a strong believer anyway, the radical position of the other half will move him even further away from Orthodoxy.

By marriage, husband and wife no longer belong to themselves, but to each other. Therefore, in the first place in the hierarchy of family values ​​should be love. When one of the spouses, even under the most plausible and "spiritual" pretext, ceases to take into account the views and needs of the other, this is not love, but selfishness. And such an approach cannot be called Orthodox in any way. The Sacrament of the Wedding, therefore, bodily relations in marriage cannot in any way be considered unclean. Excessively zealous Christians, who claim that it is more fitting for believers to live as brother and sister, commit a great sin and introduce new beginning Christians into unnecessary temptations and delusions.

Of course, those pious couples act very charitably who eventually come to a sufficient strength of faith that allows them to take on bodily exploits without prejudice to relationships. But such doing is possible only after years of married life, when the husband and wife have already built a real deep relationship of love and trust. It is a long way, sometimes the length of a whole human life. It is an ideal to which one can aspire, but which cannot be comprehended in one fell swoop.

Video about marital intimacy during fasting (abstinence)

Mikhail, Krasnodar

Is it really excommunicated for marital relations during fasting?

Good afternoon. Interested in a number of issues relating to intimate relationships between married spouses in certain periods of the year. As you know, Old Believer priests do not have a unanimous opinion about penance and the possibility of admitting spouses who had marital relations during fasts to communion. Someone excommunicates from communion for intemperance only in Great Lent, someone for all 4 annual fasts, but there is an opinion that abstinence is obligatory only on Holy and Bright weeks (after Easter). Also different opinion it also applies to abstinence on certain days of the week - on Wednesdays and Fridays and on the eve of Sundays and public holidays. I would like to understand what rules exist in this regard in the ancient charters. Save Christ.

Hello. Questions about married life, like any other priest, are asked to me quite often. And then we have to quote the words of the Apostle Paul from the first epistle to Corinth:

Let the husband give his due love to his wife, and so does the wife to her husband. The wife does not own her body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not own his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive yourself of each other, just by agreement of the time. May you continue in fasting and prayer, and gather again together, may not Satan tempt you with your intemperance.

One of the greatest preachers of abstinence and repentance in the entire history of the Church of Christ, St. John Chrysostom, interpreting these words of the apostle, he writes thus: “A wife must not refrain from the will of her husband, and a husband must not refrain from against the will of his wife. Why? Because from such abstinence comes great evil; from this often there were adulteries, fornications, and domestic disorders. For if some, having their wives, indulge in adultery, how much more will they indulge in it when they are deprived of this consolation. The Apostle said well: do not deprive yourself; what I here called deprivation, I called debt above, in order to show how great their mutual dependence is: to abstain to one against the will of another means to deprive, but not to the will. So, if you take something from me with my consent, it will not be deprivation for me; deprives the one who takes against the will and by force. This is done by many wives, committing a great sin against justice, and thereby giving their husbands a pretext for debauchery, and leading to disorder. Unanimity should be preferred to everything: it is the most important thing. What is the use of fasting and abstinence when love is violated? No".

The Holy Church also has Rule 13 of Saint Timothy of Alexandria.

Question 13: For those who copulate in the communion of marriage, on which days of the week should they observe abstinence from copulation with each other, and on which days should they have the right to do so? Answer: before I spoke, and now I say, the apostle says: do not deprive yourself of one another, only by agreement, until the time, so that you remain in prayer: and again gather together, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance.

On the subject of Great Lent, I will cite the teachings and authoritative opinions of the saints of the ancient Russian Church:

And do not excommunicate from your wives as needed, or you yourself do not deign according to the light of your friends. And we are commanded to eat tacos, hedgehog clean week and passionate and Sunday to the end, then take three weeks. And behold, I have heard, since the old Russian priests say to their children: If you don’t lie with your wives all the shit, we’ll also give communion, - that’s it. And you, as a priest, how dare you, if you’ve been away from your hits for many days?! And if you then help yourself to bow, even if you forgive, then you love to bow and do not cheat on your wives, give communion ... (Instruction of Novgorod Archbishop John II (Elijah), cited from: Monuments of Old Russian Canon Law, Russian Historical Library , v. 6.).

Translated into modern Russian:

“And do not demand from husbands that they abstain from their wives, unless they themselves do this in agreement with their spouses. After all, we are ordered to observe only the Pure, Passion and the entire Bright Week, so teach about these three weeks. I also heard that some priests say to their children: Let us take communion at Pascha only if we abstain from wives throughout Great Lent—but there is no such rule! You yourself, fathers, when you are about to serve, do you really abstain from your wives for many days?! And if there is no such requirement for priests, then even more so for the simple; so if anyone has not abstained from conjugal communion during fasting, allow him to take communion.”

Prashah: will the communion be worthy of the date, even in the 8th great p0st sovўplєtsz with 8 his wife? - Angry: qi, read the speech, refrain from fasting t women? Sin you v8 t0m! - Ryokh; written, vladhko; there is more in the constitution in Belech, what good is to observe, what Christ is in the past. If they can’t, in the last week and 3 the last. I # Fe0dos, speech, ў metropolitan heard, wrote.- Also, neither napsav, speech, nor the metropolitan, nor Fe0dos, is it a weekly holiday; and the holidays of the week are all the days, the days of the week. If you do this, forbid him to do it again. If you want to take communion at the 8th week, then on the 8th Saturday it’s early, and 3 packs to your wife on Monday for the evening.(Answers of the Bishop of Novgorod Nifont, questioning Kirikovo, cited in: Monuments of Old Russian Canon Law, Russian Historical Library, vol. 6.).

In translation:

“I asked: should those who were with their wife in Great Lent be allowed to receive communion?<Святитель Нифонт>got angry: Are you teaching to abstain from your wives while fasting?! Blame you for this! - I answered: Vladyka, but it is written in the charter for the laity that it would be good to abstain, for this is the fast of Christ. And Theodosius wrote this, according to the metropolitan. —<Святитель ответил>: neither the Metropolitan nor Theodosius wrote anything like this.<Речь>only about Sundays and Bright Week. After all, in Bright Week all days are like Sundays ... And if anyone wants to take communion on Sunday, then let him wash himself on Saturday morning, and on Monday evening he can again be with his wife.

But there is another opinion. In the Treasury you can find the prescription:

Refrain from women throughout the holy Great Lent. If he falls with his wife in holy fasting, the whole fast of obscenity.

But this is a late insert into it, made by Met. Peter Mogila in the third Kiev edition of the Nomocanon (Pavlov A. Nomocanon at the Big Trebnik. Moscow, 1897, pp. 166-167).

And, for example, there is interpretation of the same in the saints of our father Dionysius, Archbishop of Alexandria(canonical epistle to Bishop Basilides).

“Balsamon: It seems that the saint was asked whether it is required that spouses, having grown old, refrain from copulation at those times when they should pray? And he answers that such people should be their own judges, and sometimes they should abstain from each other by agreement, that is, by common desire, precisely at those times when they are commanded to pray, they should behave with all chastity, and still be good, because the great Paul also commanded this (1 Cor. 7:5); and the rule, although it speaks of those who have grown old, should be applicable to all spouses. And it is well said in it: "by agreement"; for neither the husband owns his own body, nor the wife, according to the great Apostle. Therefore, therefore, they should be in agreement with each other regarding abstinence, in order to be diligent in prayer and fasting; for if the abstinence is not according to consent, then the side that does not want copulation makes, of course, the deprivation of the one that seeks this; and if so, how would the party seeking copulation and not being satisfied appear to possess the body of the non-satisfying side? It also happens that the abstinence of one side may end in harm to the other; for if she is overcome by desire and does not receive satisfaction, she may fall into unlawful coitus. But someone will say: if the rule says that spouses should withdraw from each other in order to diligently pray, while the Apostle prescribes that we should pray without ceasing, then should those who cohabitate always refrain from each other? But the word is not about every prayer, but about the most special one, that is, about the prayer of St. posts; because God, through Moses, commanded the Jews, who had to hear the divine voice on the mountain, to abstain from their wives (Ex. 19, 15). And the prophet Joel says: sanctify the fast, and let the bridegroom come out of his bed and the bride from her chamber (2:16). And when this is so, I do not see what penances should be subjected to those who do not observe this; I think, however, that healing should be carried out according to the reasoning of the one who receives the confession and taking into account the persons and needs of nature.

And some understand this interpretation as a ban on married life during fasting. Is it correct? Let's read the rule itself:

3. Those who have entered into marriage should themselves be judges. For they heard Paul writing, as it is fitting to abstain from each other, by agreement, for a time, in order to exercise in prayer, and then to be again (1 Cor. 7:5).

And what do we see: who, according to this rule and the holy apostle, is left to decide the affairs of married life? Only the spouses themselves should be their own judges.

And as a result of this, I will offer the thought of St. John Chrysostom that our Lord established marriage between a man and a woman in order to overcome the division between people, so that the spouses learn, by working on themselves, to achieve unity in the image of the Holy Trinity. And all aspects family life Christian: intimate relationship, the joint upbringing of children, the household, just communication with each other and everything else - all this should be considered as opportunities and means that direct the Christian couple of spouses on the path of unity.

They say that any multi-day fast, including Great Lent, is joy, spring for the soul, as there is an opportunity to work on oneself, to try to change something for the better. This is the step for every Christian. In addition to changing the course of the service, the diet, there is another side. Delicate, difficult, somewhat ticklish, but you can’t brush it off - this is a marital relationship.

Should a husband and wife abstain from fasting, what rules exist in this regard, what mistakes do people often make in this area? Archpriest Pavel Gumerov, author of books and articles on parenting and family relationships, kindly agreed to answer questions. Father Pavel serves in the Church of the Holy Blessed Prince Peter and Princess Fevronia of Murom in Maryino.

How does the Church define its attitude towards marital abstinence during fasting? Are there certain uniform rules in this area?

The topic of marital relations and their admissibility during fasting worries recent years ten orthodox internet. There have been many articles and discussions on the forums. People who participate in the discussion of this topic can be divided into two camps. Some say: everything that is not forbidden is allowed. Since there are no clear instructions, there is no unity of opinion in patristic, canonical texts, as in the case of other sins, where penance for sin is clearly and unambiguously described, then one must rely on one's conscience in this matter. The spouses themselves should be a law to themselves and be guided by the words of the Apostle Paul: “Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a while, for exercise in fasting and prayer, and then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance.” And they also cite the 13th rule of Timothy of Alexandria, who writes about fasting before Sunday and after communion. (People, as a rule, took communion every Sunday at that time).

Representatives of another point of view, on the contrary, find quite a few patristic texts and canonical rules that define conjugal abstinence during fasting, that is, the first group of people is a little cunning, consciously or unconsciously, out of ignorance that such rules exist.

- It turns out that there is no unequivocal opinion on this issue?

There is such a term in theology - consensus patrum, that is, the consent of the fathers. For example, there is a certain theological problem, a question about the life of the Church or a dogma, and on this topic most of the holy fathers speak unambiguously. And we say: we accept this answer as the truth, because most of the fathers agree among themselves, there is a unity of opinion. And there is another concept - theologian, that is, a private theological opinion that is not generally binding on all Christians.

There is no unity on the issue of the relationship of spouses during fasting. People who promote such relations during fasting, believing that there is no edict or rule, can find a lot of evidence for their theory and build evidence on patristic quotations. And people who believe that such relationships are strictly prohibited during fasting, and they are a sin, again, can find confirmation of this: these are the Nomocanon, the Pilot Book, the Big Book of Treaties, and other collections of rules.

We will not go deep and explore them, but briefly we can say that these are collections of Byzantine, Greek rules, many of which are indeed authoritative and generally accepted, and some are apocryphal in nature and simply cause bewilderment. But in Russia they loved these books, for every sin, even the smallest one, one could find its own rule. So, with regard to marital intimate relations, one can find both very free and free prescriptions there, as well as prohibitively strict rules. For example, that spouses need to fast not only a few days before communion, but also three days after it. Therefore, all these lengthy collections eventually fell out of use. They were too controversial.

There is no unity on the issue of marital relations, because this is a very delicate, intimate area in which it is difficult to come up with any clear and strict rules that we have regarding other sins. Let's say he committed fornication - a penance with a certain number of years is supposed, he stole, turned to sorcerers - also a penance. In a word, everything is clear: here is the crime and here is the punishment. Here there is no consensus among the holy fathers. The rules for fasting were even different in Russia. They were formed gradually, over centuries. The charter according to which we try to fast (gastronomic fast), the Typicon, was adopted in Russia at the end of the 14th - at the beginning of the 15th century. During the 15th century, he gradually entered the life of the Church. We live according to it, we serve, and before that, in the 11th and 12th centuries, we fasted differently. And the post was less strict.

But this topic is interesting to me not from a theological and speculative point of view, not from a historical or polemical point of view, but from a practical point of view. How should we Christians today observe marital fasting? How can we apply the experience of the Church in this matter to our lives, what are the rules and what are the exceptions? That's what's interesting for me.

We are already living at a time when a general parish practice has been formed, according to which there is marital abstinence during fasts. And on what days it is necessary to refrain from marital intercourse, the church-going person is well aware. It's simple - these are the days when weddings are not allowed. Not everything in the life of the Church is regulated by strict canons. There are established traditions, practices by which the Church lives. This is church wisdom that has developed over the centuries.

- What is the purpose of conjugal fasting, because conjugal communion is God's commandment?

Imagine: Great Lent is underway, and a person has consciously chosen fasting. No one can force him to fast, to say "let's fast", he has free will and free desire. The Lord does not force anyone to do anything: if you don’t want to pray, live according to the commandments, take communion, you can not do this, but know that this is of great benefit to you. If you are a Christian, then you must live like a Christian, otherwise do not call yourself one.

What is the meaning of the post? Fasting is a sacrifice to God, for the sake of God we do not allow ourselves something, we limit ourselves in pleasures. Modest food, no one will argue, more satisfying, tasty. Perhaps someone, for example, vegans, will not agree. But still, most of our population prefers meat, fish and alcoholic drinks at the festive feast not without meat, poured with lemon juice. Humble food, wine in moderation - these are all the gifts of God that make our life joyful. What else do we limit ourselves to during fasting? As the holy fathers say, we abstain from entertainment, spectacles. For example, theater, cinema.

I don’t understand when they say: here, let’s give up these entertainments, but no marital relations, because nowhere is this mentioned. Since it is not said, let's Holy Week, and it doesn’t matter: the Dormition Fast or the Great ... Yes, this is at our discretion, but any normal person, especially a married person who has known all this, who is doing well in marriage, will say that close relationships are a great pleasure. Forgive me for being too frank - bodily marital relations give a person a huge hormonal surge, a bunch of positive emotions, delight, joy! Now imagine, we decided to fast: we go to the temple, read the prayers of Yefim the Sirin, go to bed, do not watch entertainment programs, but at the same time we will be engaged in marital relations. Personally, it seems to me that this is not just poorly compatible, but, to put it mildly, ridiculous. Especially when a person is going to build it back to normal.

- But modern man Perhaps this is not always easy to do?

We know very well that the Church, as a loving mother, has not adopted any clear and strict canons on this issue, because situations are different. Of course, a person who calls himself Orthodox must adhere to fasting and prayer. A certain practice has developed on how to fast in a marital relationship, that is, the rules of those who are getting married. What is a wedding? This is the sacrament, after which the wedding follows, the feast and the first the wedding night. And on these rules bodily marital communication is based. I, as a parish priest, tell this to the parishioners, and they are well aware that on the eve of Wednesday and Friday, on the eve of Sunday (this is the rule of Timothy of Alexandria), in all four fasts, during Christmas time and Bright Week, before the Twelfth and Great Feasts, one must refrain from marital relations.

But, on the other hand, we know that situations are different, and the degree of churchness is different. When we find patristic quotes, for example, Seraphim of Sarov, Ambrose of Optina about the inadmissibility of marital relations in fasting, we must understand the following. When the holy fathers said this, then without exception, except for very a small percentage Muslims, Jews and Kalmyks-Buddhists, in Russia all were Orthodox baptized people. They fasted, and for them from childhood it was natural. The vast majority of people were Christians who absorbed Christian traditions with their mother's milk. There were marriages in which one of their spouses was an unbeliever, but there were very few of them.

As a parish priest, a practitioner, I am often approached by married couples, with varying degrees of churching, and I am guided by the rules and common sense. And, of course, in conversations with parishioners, the fact that I myself have been married for 23 years also helps.
We must find something in the middle between the two poles (everything is allowed, what is not forbidden and nothing is allowed, except for clearly defined days).

- Today, many people know the benefits of a gastronomic fast, can you say the same about a marital fast?

I will answer with the words of Basil the Great, who points to the benefits of marital abstinence: “Lent knows the measure in marital affairs, keeping from immoderation in what is permitted by law; by agreement sets aside time for “let them continue in prayer” (1 Corinthians 7:5) ... The husband does not suspect adultery in marital fidelity, seeing that the wife got used to fasting. The wife is not devoured by jealousy, noticing that her husband loved fasting.

The saint speaks of abstinence from immoderation, that those who fast train the will. A person who is weak-willed, who cannot refrain, will be able to change his wife in the future. And if a person can fast, then he has a strong will. He can abstain from his wife, which means, and even more so, he will not enter into a relationship with another.

Intemperance is not good for anyone. Yes, St. John Chrysostom wrote: “Marriage is given for childbearing, and even more so for extinguishing the natural flame…”. He also referred to this marriage relationship as "the medicine that destroys fornication."

But excessive carnal love will not lead to anything good, a man, having had enough of his wife, soon begins to look to the left. As a family man, I can say what I see great benefit from abstaining from fasting. It gives a lot. Any fast provides a difference, a contrast, between abstinence and the gifts of God, which are food, drink, and marital relationships. They serve not only for childbearing, but also for the manifestation of conjugal bodily love, unity, including bodily. Yes, marital intimacy is a gift from God. But you will never feel the gift of God unless you have been deprived of it for a while. We know perfectly well that man is weak. Imagine if a child is bombarded with endless gifts on demand and without demand, then he will very soon stop not only appreciating, but even paying attention to them. Everything will be littered with toys, you will walk, and they will crunch under your feet. mobile phones, other gadgets and something else.

And if this is done at the right time and the right things are given, then the child will remember this for a long time, thank and rejoice. We adults are also children of the Heavenly Father. Everything is relative. If there are no sorrows at all, we do not feel happiness; if there is no fasting, then we do not feel the joy of breaking the fast. If the weather is good all the time, then we will not know the joy when the pouring rain has stopped, the strong wind has subsided. Post in good conditions, when both spouses are ready for this and hold it, it can give a lot. There is no need to invent anything, attend sex therapists, take some courses, trainings, which then lead to intemperance, perversion in married life.

Another good educational aspect of fasting is what Basil the Great writes about. A person who knows how to fast, who knows how to abstain, will be firm in his faith. There will be no fasting, there will be some kind of illness, separation, a long business trip, pregnancy, illness. Even just monthly. And it will be very difficult for an intemperate person who simply cannot withstand a single fast. It is necessary that there be a measure, so that there is no addiction, love addiction. How can you get addicted to alcohol computer games and other pleasures, you can also get hooked on sexual relations with your own wife, make a cult of intimate relationships. And an independent person is free. He can, if he wants to, and if he can't, he won't do it. As the Apostle Paul said: “I know how to live in poverty, I know how to live in abundance; I learned in everything and in everything, to be satisfied and endure hunger, to be both in abundance and in lack. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:12, 13). A real Christian can live abstaining, or can live, when allowed, a full married life. And do not make a tragedy out of the fact that temporarily deprived of marital communication.

There are different situations, how to act, if in the family one is churched, and the other is only going to faith. For the sake of peace in the family, is it permissible to break the fast?

Let's take a situation: the wife is a Christian, after all, women usually come to Christ earlier, and the husband is a half-believer - baptized, but he comes to the temple only to draw water for Baptism, to bless the willow and Easter cakes, and does not go beyond this. And his wife will force him to fast completely in intimate relationships. This is impossible. This will lead first to conflict, then to a pre-divorce state, and then to divorce. It can lead, I don’t say that it will definitely lead, it will absolutely lead. It also depends on the temperament of the person (maybe, and so that he doesn’t really need it, this also happens). But, as a rule, this will cause his discontent, at least.

Marriage is like an organism. In each case, it is individual. There are many options - this is the age of the spouses themselves, and the age difference between husband and wife, and the difference in temperament. Let's imagine that the husband is an oriental person, and the wife is from the northern latitudes. It is clear that he is hotter and more temperamental. Or she is very young, and her husband is much older. It will most likely be easier for one to carry the post, for the other not.

Why didn't the holy fathers write down specific rules? A lot of marriages can be destroyed, because all people have a different measure: someone is ready to enter into such a relationship only for the sake of procreation, and someone cannot tolerate fasting. And we choose the lesser of two evils, because we understand very well that sins can be of different severity. It’s one thing that we were invited to a birthday party, and during Lent we ate fish and ate seafood, and another thing is that we fell into fornication. For eating fish, no one will deprive us of communion for five or more years, and for the second sin - a very strict penance. For example, in the time of St. Basil the Great, a seven-year penance was relied upon for fornication.

And naturally, masturbation into which a husband or wife can fall, adultery is the gravest sin. And his or her other half will push him or her to such a sin with their categorism and unreason. Breaking the fast, as a concession to a weak spouse, is done not out of voluptuousness, but out of love, although this, of course, must be confessed.

But I know people who, unfortunately, do not consider it a sin. But how is this not a sin? This is a violation of the post. We can have all sorts of excuses, good reasons and situations, but, nevertheless. We all the time live with sin in half, all the time we balance on some edge.

But, on the other hand, we must understand the great benefits of fasting. Any fast is needed, first of all, by ourselves, this is a great educational thing, this is a little that we can serve God with, and secondly, everything must be done wisely, everything needs a measure.

- Can the phrase "for the sake of peace in the family" become a kind of cover for other violations?

There must be some boundaries, if a husband starts to force his wife to do some things that border on perversions, which, perhaps, are considered the norm in a secular environment, this is unacceptable for us. Marriage is one thing, and “excesses” from the category of films for adults are another. Therefore, it is very important to be able to talk with a person and convey your feelings, desires, thoughts to him. The ability to speak is the basis of good family relationships. If you simply give in to your spouse in everything, agree with everything, it will end badly. And the ability to put yourself in such a way that you are respected, treated with respect is also important. I always say: one of the most effective ways to resolve any family conflict is a compromise. How might this look like in practice? Let's take a look at a specific situation. The husband says: I want to, I'm leaving on a business trip, it will be difficult for me, or, conversely, I returned from a long business trip, and then the post ... The wife replies: “I love you, I respect you. Okay, I'll give in to you." But on another Sunday she wants to take communion, fasts, prays. She approaches her husband in advance and explains to him: “Yes, I understand that you are not yet ready to fast with me, but you also need to understand me. I'm going to take communion. It is very important for me". I believe that in such things one must be strict, if one has decided or decided to take communion, then it is unacceptable to break the fast before communion, this is a great sin. One of the canons, which is strict and clear: before communion and on the day of communion, we do not enter into marital relations. But if this happened, then the sacrament should be postponed for another time. In all other cases, you need to meet halfway, but without losing yourself. Otherwise, very soon a person will begin to wipe his feet on you.

A person who is humiliated does not have inner dignity, self-respect, no one will respect. After all, the saints also had this inner dignity, they did not allow any things or statements to other people. And we should not allow any blasphemous words, ridicule about our faith, shrines, even to our relatives and friends. You need to convey to your husband: “I love you, and therefore I give in something, I allow something, but don’t touch such topics.” But again, we must not forget: if you do not honor your husband, yield to him, then he will not respect your principles, your faith. Therefore, first of all, go forward yourself or go forward yourself if we are talking about a wife who is not yet ready for fasting.

By doing this, you will attract your half, but you cannot force someone to fast, you cannot force fasting.

But your husband or wife should be quietly led to this. Moreover, the task of a husband is to educate his wife. You can say: let's try, for example, this year the Petrovsky post is light, small, you will see for yourself how good it will be for us after that. We need to find an approach.

- Is a dietary fast, if I may say so, worse to break than a marital fast?

I believe that breaking a gastronomic fast is a more serious sin than breaking a marital fast. Here I do not take cases of relaxation of fasting due to illness and infirmity. After all, in the conjugal fast we are connected with other people, and there are many different nuances. Married life is a very complex, harmonious mechanism. You can't fit everyone under the same brush.
This again explains why there is no unity of theological opinion on this issue. We know fasting is a voluntary matter, a choice of free personal will. I want to fast - I fast, no - no one should force me to do it. And in these relationships, it turns out, we force the other person to fast.

If in a gastronomic post the hostess can boil a pot of pasta, and serve it to her husband in a naval way, and eat it herself with ketchup, then everything is fine. No one forces a husband to eat “empty” pasta, and no one forces a wife to eat meat. Everything is wonderful here! But when it comes to marital fasting, it turns out that we ourselves want to fast and still force the other person. That is, we forcibly compel to abstain. It is not right.

It’s like boiling pasta and forcing a non-fasting person to eat it, otherwise I won’t cook anything else, because fasting. And for him the word post is still an empty phrase, he does not understand what it is at all and thinks that a post is a guard on duty with a Kalashnikov assault rifle. So you have to give up. And if it is different, it will turn out that we are the free will of a person, which even the Lord does not violate, does not force, does not respect. But if we have come to some kind of consensus, compromise, please, that is another matter.

- You have extensive experience in serving, communicating with parishioners, could you give some examples common mistakes?

Here is a mixed, semi-Christian family. When a woman in confession tells that her husband is refused because of fasting, I tell her clearly: “You did absolutely wrong, after some time, expect something bad if you continue to behave like this.” Therefore, for the sake of preserving the world, the family, you can take on some great feats of fasting, but do not refuse your husband in this matter.

There is a familiar family, the husband is much older than his half, intimate relationships are extremely rare even on non-fasting days. And the woman is worried: they say, he is already elderly, and I, on the contrary, are full of strength, they say, what should we do. I talked to her and found that it was not only intimacy. The relationship was cool and difficult even before bed. There is no peace and harmony, and if this is not the case, then there will hardly be harmony in the bodily sphere. There will be love and mutual understanding - intimate relationships will also improve.

I have a friend who is very church-going, has been going to church for many years, and recently got married. And his wife repented to me that they violated the marital fast. He himself does not repent of this at confession. I carefully began to ask him if this had happened (breaking the fast), of course, I did not say that his wife had told me. And he answered me: “Father, I don’t even consider it a sin!” real case from life. Perhaps a person somewhere read articles by supporters of “free conjugal love” by post.

I told him: “This is wrong, you are a church person, your wife is a church wife, but you don’t consider this a sin?” I told him why it was a sin and why it should be repented of. Of course, I did not impose strict penance on him. But the main thing is not to lower the degree in spiritual life. If something happened - fell, repent. And if we constantly allow ourselves something and look for excuses, then we can go far.

Compare this with this situation: Great Lent begins, people come up to any priest and ask: “Father, relax your fast!” Moreover, they ask for forgiveness Sunday, fasting has not yet begun, and they are already complaining: “My health is not right, I have no strength, the work is hard, I can’t cope.” As a rule, they are answered: “Let's try to fast at least for the first week, you yourself need fasting, God will give you strength, and if something happens, we will weaken fasting.” A person who refuses to fast in advance is unreliable for spiritual life; fasting is a school of piety. What kind of Christians are we if we cannot and do not want to abstain from anything?

- What percentage of parishioners, in your experience, abstains all 48 days of fasting and Bright Week?

I did not make any special statistical calculations, but I think that there are quite a lot of people. We are talking about church people, parishioners who go to church more than once a year. There are young couples, the blood is running, they break the fast from time to time. But they repent.

No matter how many people try to read articles on these topics, look on the Internet for some loopholes, canons that would allow not to fast, in fact, they perfectly understand that there is a marital fast. Every person has a conscience, everyone understands, for example, what a “civil marriage” is and what a real marriage is. Each person has clothes that he puts on in order to imagine something, to build himself out of who he wants to appear, but in fact there is something inside that tells him whether he is doing the right thing or not.

People who are churched, my parishioners understand everything perfectly well, if they have sinned, stumbled, they need to repent of this, they are trying to improve, our whole life is we live, we live, and then temptation.

Our parishioners know the topic of marital fasting from the lectures and discussions that we constantly hold. I often bring up this topic in my books. We have studied it well. Therefore, some global problem I don't see it here.

Can you have sex during fasting? This question worries many families, especially young ones and those who have recently begun to observe church laws. Most believers, of course, will answer in the negative. Families in which the foundations are observed Orthodox Christianity for several generations, adhere to an unambiguous opinion on this issue. Meanwhile, not everything here is so clear...

What do people think?

There are such priests today. Listening to the confessions of parishioners, they sharply condemn the “sinners”, give instructions, and attribute severe punishment to spouses in the form of abstinence. Thus, sometimes bringing discord into families and even destroying them.

Such excessively zealous ministers were spoken about more than once by the higher clergy during the councils. It pointed out to priests that it was unacceptable to force or incline parishioners to chastity against their will. And recommended to observe in conversations about special care. But from time to time fanatics are found everywhere.

Priests' opinions

Of course, if you ask a strict priest: “Is it possible to have sex during fasting?” - then, most likely, he will answer in the negative. Just a reasonable church minister, unlike a fanatic, will not insist on this too much. His response will be something like this: "Undesirable, but if your flesh is weak, then you can, but try to abstain as much as you can bear." People in this age are weak in their passions. The holy fathers will not impose very strict prohibitions on them, so that people do not turn away from the church at all and observe the canons to the best of their ability.

According to the priest of the Savvino-Storozhevsky monastery, it is forbidden to perform marital duties during the Great. After all, Jesus calls these days to fight with passions and bad habits get rid of sinful thoughts and actions. If such behavior is difficult, then one should turn to confession and repentance, which give strength and strength. The main thing is not to allow relaxation and not to succumb to temptations, supporting yourself with prayer.

Archbishop Elijah - Bishop of Novgorod - said that it was especially important to abstain on Easter week, as well as on Passion and Fedorov (the first). By the way, even the most tolerant clergymen recommend that spouses exclude sexual intimacy at least during the time if it is impossible to restrain themselves throughout the entire fast.

The verdict of doctors and psychologists

And what do people who are far from religion say about abstinence? What is the position of science on this issue? Healers of the soul and body, that is, psychologists and doctors, of course, do not impose a ban on sex during fasting. But they do not see anything harmful in abstinence, if it is not too long. In their opinion, there is even some benefit in this, because after a certain break, sexual sensations intensify and bring much more pleasure to spouses.

How about others?

How many religions, so many opinions. Each has its own dogmas, prohibitions and restrictions. Islam is considered one of the most strict. So, it must be said that Muslims are not very categorical in this matter. Islam does not forbid sex life during Ramadan (practically the same as for Orthodox fasting). But! The permit applies only to the sick, nomads and people temporarily settled in a foreign land. They can have sex during the fast, and everyone else will have to wait.

Orthodox exceptions

But Orthodoxy, especially modern Orthodoxy, is not such a beast. There are cases when the spouses met after a long separation, and their meeting fell just in time for the post. For example, a soldier came home for a week, or a sailor returned from long-distance navigation, and a month later he is back on the road. It would be cruel to demand abstinence from them and, according to the teachings of St. Paul, even sinful. Especially if ahead is a new parting. In such cases, the Orthodox Church turns a blind eye to dogma and gives the green light to physical love.

The important point is reciprocity.

It happens that in a family one of the spouses is churched, and the other is not. Or just someone is stronger in spirit, and someone is weaker. And then, while the first is fasting furiously (including sexually), the second makes up for the deficit on the side. From point of view Orthodox Church this situation is even more sinful than carnal relations between spouses during fasting. And if you are not confident in your partner, you doubt his strength, it is better not to practice abstinence at all, but to go towards “hunger” gradually: through conversations, prayers and confessions.

Personal confessor will answer

So is it okay or not to have sex while fasting? Certain conclusions will be drawn by this article. But in the world there is not and cannot be anything unambiguous, categorical. A person must be flexible, listen to his soul ...

And every family is a purely individual case. And the circumstances are different. Therefore, the wisest said that abstinence should be by mutual consent of the spouses.

If the two of you cannot reach a solution, the priest will help. Just do not turn to an outsider on such an intimate issue. You can trust a confessor who has been leading the family for a long time, knows about the problems and circumstances of the life of the spouses and will be able to suggest a reasonable answer that is right for this particular case. Or rather, not even an answer, but advice. Who will preserve conjugal love and deliver from sin.

The biblical understanding of fasting implies for people who are married, and refraining from physical intimacy. This is one of the characteristics of fasting, but with a caveat that not I, but the Holy Spirit through the Apostle Paul in the Epistle says: this abstinence must be under three conditions.

First: mutual consent. That is, so that both agree, and not one side.

Second: abstinence must be for the purpose of fasting and prayer. That is, it is not abstinence in itself that is valuable, but abstinence in order to strengthen fasting. And third: the time of abstinence must be agreed upon by both spouses.

Great post is long. The whole Post is about abstinence, and my other half says no. So - no. How long will you and I refrain? The other half says: “With you? For a long time. Exactly a day and a half." Well, and, thank God, that so little, that's good - not to suffer.

The strong must give the weak an opportunity to set the time. I mean spiritually weak, not physically weak. There are more women in the Church, and I must say one very important thing: many women, not knowing masculine nature, demand from men what is easy for a woman, but very difficult for a man. Therefore, I would like to advise women who are married to remember that the head of the family is the husband. Let him decide the question of the amount of abstinence.

And the men wanted to say the following: whoever has zeal for God and abstains... From pastoral experience, I came across many times when a husband turned to God, began to go to the monastery, his confessor began to demand from him that he refrain from intimacy with his wife during fasting. And the wife is different, she is semi-worldly, she does not have what her husband has. She came to church twice. We talked with her, and she said: “Father, I feel that he is growing cold towards me.” There is no cooling there - just another joy overwhelms him, spiritual. He found something new in himself, which he did not even suspect, but she experiences it in a purely earthly, feminine way. It is important for her to show that her husband loves her.

Therefore, we, husbands, married men, need, if we abstain, to ask ourselves: “How can I compensate for my love for my wife then?” What do I need to do then so that she knows how much I love her? Men have theirs, women have theirs. But the general church rule is that one must abstain by mutual agreement, only for the purpose of fasting, prayer. The Apostle Paul writes that also and only for a specified period.

From my priestly experience, I will say that, for example, I do not advise young couples entering into marriage to even think about this topic. I say: "Wait, catch up with us, here you will be 89, we'll talk, we'll meet." This is a joke. But in fact, young people should not start with this. First you need to acquire love for each other. And then - to the exploits. The main achievement is love. Here, to learn in the family, first of all, to yield to your other half and at the same time experience happiness from defeating your pride. This is more valuable in the eyes of the Almighty than abstaining from intimacy.