SCO is short for Shob He Died

Wife and children: - Yes, yes we see.



Wife and children: - No!

Abram to Moishe: - I will have a search, keep my money in your safe.
Moishe: - Wife, children here! You see, the neighbor came, brought money, I took it, counted it, and locked it in the safe!
Wife and children: - Yes, yes we see.
A week later, Abram comes to his neighbor again.
Abram: - Thank you, the search was completed, nothing was found, please return the money.
Moishe: - Wife, children here! Did our neighbor bring us money a week ago?
Wife and children: - No!
- Did I take them, count them, put them in the safe? Wife and children: - No! No!
Moishe opens the safe and gives all the money to Abram.
Abram, perplexed: - Why this performance?
Moishe: - And so that you can see what kind of bastards you have to live with!

An old Jew died in the morning while playing poker. The rest of the players have gathered and are thinking about how to tell their wife. We chose Izya as the most delicate.
Izya comes to the house of the deceased and knocks on the door. The wife of the deceased opens the door.
- Hello, Sofochka!
- Hello, Izya!!!
- Sofochka, you know your Moisha, he came to see me yesterday. We played poker and he finally joined us. We played all night and Moishe lost a lot of money.
- Yes, he died!!
- Already...

Izya, where will you go on vacation this year?
- If Abram gives the money, then to the sea.
- What if he doesn’t give it back?
- Then to Abram.

Sarah came home. Monya, without looking up from the TV:
- Sarochka, is that you? Well, thank God you're home! And then the news reported that some kind of effigy was burned in the square.

Abram's first day of work at his father's store. In the evening, Sarah asks her husband:
- Moishe, how does our son cope with work?
- He will be a merchant, but he still has to learn and learn.
- Why is he doing something wrong?
- When he returns the change, he cries!

Monya, what is a speaker?
- Izya, this is a device for reproducing speech.
- Monya, why is Gryzlov called speaker?
- Izya, what else can you call him if he speaks from someone else’s voice?!

An old Jew (E) with large bags of luggage walks through a train station waiting room in Germany. Stops in front of the sitting German (H1) and asks:
E: Excuse me, how do you feel about Jews?
N1: You know, I really respect Jewish culture and love the Jewish people!
The old Jew turned away and asked another German (H2):
E: And you, do you love Jews?
H2: I am amazed by the depth of spirituality of the Jews and would like to visit Israel!
The old Jew dragged his suitcases further and asked the third German:
E: And you?
N3: I hate Jews! I would never have anything to do with them!
Jew, smiling broadly:
E: You are an HONEST person!! Please watch my luggage while I go to the toilet...

Abram! I'm serious about talking about your family!
- Well, speak up, Moishe.
- I specifically want to talk about your mother!
- Well, speak up, Moishe!
- Abram! Fuck your mother! When will you pay me back the two hundred dollar debt?!

There are Jews at the entrance. Izya says:
- You know, Abram, yesterday I saw how they took off your sheepskin coat near your house...
- So why didn’t you come over?
- And I thought: “Why do they need another sheepskin coat?”

Zhmerinka. Monya sells her cow to Yasha, who sells the same cow, a little more expensive, back to Monya. Monya sells her to Yasha again. One day Monya comes to Yasha, beaming with joy.
- I sold a cow to a visitor very profitably!
Yasha, turning pale:
- What are we going to live on now?

An old Jew dies. There is a wife at the bedside.
- Sarah, I'm dying. Tell me the truth: have you always been faithful to me, have you never cheated on me?
- Abram, how can you at such a moment! What if you don't die? . .

Sarah calls Isaac:

- How will I know if he left?


- Isaac, what are you doing there?
- I'm looking for money.

Sarah calls Isaac:
- Isaac, come in the evening - Abram leaves.
- How will I know if he left?
- I'll throw a penny into the yard, it will ring - you come.
Evening has come. Abram left. Sarah dropped a penny. Isaac is still not there, you can hear him fiddling around with something in the yard. Sarah looked out the window and shouted:
- Isaac, what are you doing there?
- I'm looking for money.
- From a redneck nature, I picked up a penny on a string a long time ago!!!

Sarah! Sarah! What happened to Abram?
- Abram died.
- That's why I see him being buried!

Moishe to Abram:
- Do you need five or six spoons of sugar? . .
- Three, but I saw it.

Izya gets up and says:
- Izya Zilberstein, my father is Jewish, my mother is Jewish, I was born in Russia - that’s why I am Russian.

Izya returned from a business trip earlier, looks, and neighbor Fima has his ear pressed to the door.
And there are unambiguous sounds that give no reason to doubt that Sarochka is not bored herself.
Izya sits on the step and calmly lights a cigarette.
- Izya! I never understand you! Do you care?
- Fima, I beg you! Let these bastards fizzle out first!

Dad reads the book "Moo-moo" to little Mona. Monya sighs.
- Son, do you feel sorry for the dog?
- Yes, it could have been sold...

Chaya, almost falling from the balcony, shouts across the yard:
- Sa-a-a-a-a-ra! Sa-a-a-a... . . Sarah comes out onto the balcony opposite: - What?!
- Or is my Abram not with you? - Why should I have your Abram?
- Well, he left a note saying he went to the bastards...

Abram comes to Iza’s birthday party:
- Dear Izya, I didn’t know what to give you, it seems like you have everything, so I wrote you a poem!
With these words, Abram takes out a notebook and begins to recite his poem with expression.
Izya listens carefully to the end, then goes to the window, opens it and says:
- Thank you, darling! A wonderful gift. Sit closer to the windowsill, I will treat you to fresh air!

A Jew comes to the office and asks:
- Do Jews work for you?
- Yes.
He silently turns around and leaves.
He comes to another and asks again:
- Do Jews work for you?
- No.
He gets a job there.
About a month later, all his colleagues notice that he is not doing anything, and management wonders what’s going on.
- You yourself said that Jews do not work for you.

Dying, Monya decided to repent to his relatives, whom he had spoiled all his life. .
- Oh, forgive me, Moishe, it was I who betrayed your underground workshop, and you served time
15 years. And you, Abrasha, forgive me, it was I who divorced you from your wife. . And you, Izya, forgive me, it was I who stole jewelry from you...
In general, he managed to spoil many things, but he was generously forgiven. He bequeathed to punish himself severely, threatening that he would not find a place for himself in another world, and demanded that when he died, that big cactus should be shoved into his anus...
With these words, he passed away into another world, and all his relatives began to fulfill his last will, which turned out to be no easy task. But in the midst of carrying out the will of the deceased, riot police burst in:
-Where is the Jew who was tortured to death?

Abram gave birth to Cain Cain gave birth to Abram...
really for suckers!!!
their kinship is transmitted through the mother.

Ivan comes to Abram and says:
- Listen, Abram, borrow a ruble, and in a month I’ll give you two, and I’ll leave an ax as collateral. Will it work?
Abram: “No problem,” he takes the ax and gives Ivan a ruble.
Ivan takes the ruble and reaches the door and then Abram says to him:
- Listen, Ivan, won’t it be hard for you to give back two rubles in a month?
- Yes, it will be hard.
Abram: so you can give half of it now.
Ivan returns the ruble, goes out and thinks: there is no ruble, there is no ax, the ruble is still owed and most importantly, damn. . . . everything is correct.

Izya, how is Sarochka in bed?
- It's fine, as long as it fits.

Monya, my heart is beating like crazy...
- Sarochka, should I give you something heart-stopping?

Why are there no drunk Jews?
- Because a drunk Jew is automatically declared Russian.

What does a poor Jew need to be happy?
- There are no poor Jews, there are poor people who think that they are Jews.

- People! I understood why Russians don’t like us! We don't know how to drink vodka. Tomorrow let everyone bring a bottle of vodka, we’ll pour it all into a common pot - and we’ll learn to drink.
Abram comes home and says to Sarah: so and so, tomorrow we need to bring a bottle - well, and so on...
Sarah answers him:

He looks around the synagogue with a sad look and says:
- Yes-ah-ah... This is why the Russians don’t like us...

At the end of the prayer in the synagogue, the rabbi addresses the Jews:
- People! I understood why Russians don’t like us! We don't know how to drink vodka.
Tomorrow let everyone bring a bottle of vodka, we’ll pour it all into a common pot - and we’ll learn to drink.
Abram comes home and says to Sarah: so and so, tomorrow we need to bring a bottle - and so on. Sarah says to him:
- And you, Abram, take a bottle of water. A full cauldron of vodka - who will notice there?
So I did. The next day, the Jews take turns approaching the cauldron, each pouring out the vodka. The rabbi takes a ladle, stirs, scoops, tastes...
He looks around the synagogue with a sad look and says:
- Yeah... This is why the Russians don’t like us...

It is not true that all Jews are cunning and greedy; for example, I am not a Jew.

- Listen, Izya, I know a brilliant way to eat for free in a restaurant.
- Come on, Abram, tell me.
– You go to a good establishment shortly before closing. You order an appetizer, the best dishes, dessert, cognac. When all the waiters have left, the last one comes up to you, and you say: “And I already paid your friend who left.”
The next day we went to a restaurant. They order everything in full and sit down. Finally the last waiter comes:
- Sorry, but it's time to close, please pay for the order.
Abram:
– But we already gave your colleague money.
Izya:
– By the way, how long do we have to wait for change?

Abram Moiseevich, are you by any chance a Jew?

Some man constantly calls our house and asks to call me to the phone,” Sarah complains to her friend, “but my Abram is absolutely not allowed to worry.
-Does he have a heart problem?
-Yes! Besides, the poor thing was completely hoarse; he tried to fake my voice.

Yes Faktrum I have prepared jokes for you from Odessa that will make you cry from prolonged laughter!

An Odessa woman recalls her youth:
- You won’t believe it, Sofochka, but the best moments of my life are connected with football!
- Rosa Lvovna, did you go to the stadium to root for Chernomorets?
- No, my husband Syoma went there, and our neighbor Benya came to see me!

Fima, did you hear? Rabinovich was prescribed a strict diet.
- Well, Tsilya, now we can invite him to dinner.

Yasha, I have to warn you, don’t devour all passing women so greedily!
- Rose, I only saw it with my eyes...
- I can hear you slurping!

In a dark alley, a robber stops Abram:
- Give me the money and don’t try to make any noise!
- Oh, what are you doing! I have nothing against being robbed, but I don’t have money on me... Come on, I’ll owe you...

Odessa. Small courtyard. Balconies opposite. Quiet evening.
- Has yours arrived?
- No, he died, what about yours?
- But mine did come, so that he died next to yours!

Tell me please, what station is this?
- What, are you cold with your eyes?! It's Odessa!

Monya, why is Sarochka sulking at you?
- Oh hey, yesterday I brought her a dress. She says: “Fool, no one wears this.”
- So what?
- Today I brought another one, so she said: “Idiot, everyone wears this!”

Old man Moishe died while playing preference. They chose Izya, as the most delicate one, to go and tell his wife.
- Sofochka, you know, yesterday we played a little cards, so your Moishe joined us, we played all night, and he, if nothing had happened, could have won so much money that he would have been tempted not to go home, but to go and spend time with a busty beauty...
- Yes, he died!
- Well, yes already...

Monya, what do girls think about when they come to you for surgery to enlarge their bust?
- Arkasha, they think that they can pave the way with their breasts where the head and tongue are needed.

Izya, what do you recommend as a means of losing weight - green tea or green coffee?
- Fira, I beg you! Just eat green sausage - minus three kilos a day!

Sofochka, what will you tell me if I blow you a kiss?
- I’ll tell you, Izya, that you are a big quitter!

Our Monya finally changed his gender!
- Oh, vey! They say such operations cost a lot of money!
- Well, what are you doing? What is a few square meters of oak parquet for his money?!

Yasha, how is life?
- Oh, you won’t believe it, great!
- How come? Do you have no relatives at all?!

Rabinovich is on trial.
- Rabinovich, weren’t you ashamed to take a bribe of ten hryvnia?
- Ashamed. But no one else gave.

Lyova, why did you receive fifteen days of arrest?
- Threw bread to the swans.
- And what is illegal here?
- It happened at the Bolshoi Theater on Swan Lake.

Odessa. It's unbearably hot outside, about 40 degrees. There are almost no people, and those who are are hiding in the shadows.

An old Jew sits in a shoe shop, smokes and fans himself with newspaper in order to somehow escape the scorching sun. Of course, there are no visitors. And across the street is a popular Odessa brothel, where a portly woman named Tsilya, the owner of this establishment, also sits on the balcony and fans herself with a fan. And, despite her popularity, she also has no clients on this hot day. Meanwhile, on the roof of the brothel, a cat is fighting a cat. Meowing and cat screaming can be heard throughout the street. And so the old Jew sits and looks at this picture. Suddenly, after prolonged somersaults, both cats cannot stay on the roof and fall down, straight into a flowerbed near the brothel. Here the old Jew rises from his chair and shouts:
- Tsilya! Why are you sitting?! Your advertisement has disappeared!

A fine summer evening. Two very, very old Odessa residents are sitting on a bench near the house and talking. Suddenly one slaps himself on the forehead and says:

Oh, Syoma, I completely forgot that I wanted to tell you something! But if I tell you this, you won’t believe me!
- Why is that, Abram? - the old man is indignant. - You and I have been friends for 50 years, you never lied to me and even gave me money on time. Tell me, I'll believe you.
- Well, okay... In general, listen here, Syoma. So I’m walking past the store, and there... No, you won’t believe it...
- I'll believe it! Who was there?
- And there was a stunning young nymph! Legs from the ears, eyes such that it’s just to die! And her breasts, oh, what breasts she had! I decided to talk to her... Word for word, well, well, I found out that she works as a programmer! And I, Syoma, can you imagine, invited this nymph to the restaurant. And she went! Hey, Syoma, I see that you still don’t believe me!
- Yes, I believe you, Abram, I believe you! - the old man waves him off. - What happened next?
- And then I ordered a bottle of champagne for her and cognac for myself. We had a nice chat... And then... And then, Syoma, she called me to her home. And there we had everything! As many as three times, three! - with shining eyes, the first old man continues his story, but suddenly stops: - Oh, hey, Syoma, I see that you still don’t believe me!
- Yes, I believe you, Abram, I believe you! And I believe it three times as much. I just don’t believe that this nymph of yours was actually a programmer.
- Why?
- Yes, because, Abrasha, when you were still able, computers had not yet been invented!

Last century. The Moscow - Odessa train departs from the station. Two friends are traveling in the carriage: Izya and Fima. They have already taken out the chicken, poured it into a glass, and are just about to drink it when Fima suddenly notices someone on the next bed. He says:
- Wait, Izya! Look who's coming with us!
- And who is it?
- It's Einstein himself!
-Who is this Einstein?
- Izya, what are you doing? This is the man who proved the theory of relativity.
- What is this?
- Well, look: if there is one hair on your head, is that a lot or a little?
- Well, of course it’s not enough!
- Is there one hair in the soup - a lot or a little?
- Ugh, Fima, why are you telling me all sorts of nasty things? Of course it's a lot!
- Here you see? Everything is relative!
- Ty! So, is he going to Odessa with this number?

In Ufa, in one day I shook as many presidential hands as I had not shaken since the so-called “Millennium Summit” there in New York fifteen years ago.
Ufa hosted two summits at once - the SCO and BRICS...

Looking ahead, I hasten to announce that our Belarus has been accepted into the SCO (Shanghai Cooperation Organization) as an “observer”. No European country has such status - “SCO observer”. But from now on we have. What is this if not a diplomatic breakthrough? In our country, the abbreviation SCO has until now been deciphered as follows: "He's dead! , referring to your humble servant, the author of these immortal lines... I thought that this was wrong, that every Belarusian should know what the SCO really is.

All sorts of skeptics may remark to me, they say, what is an “SCO observer” without the right to vote?
I will answer them this way: being an “observer” is still more prestigious than not being one at all. I think all European countries from Great Britain to Poland are jealous of our “observer” status.... And I understand them, these envious people...

“Observing” is not a new thing for me. I remember that in our village, if there was any wedding, then at this wedding a “group of observers” always self-organized - five or six local peasants who were not invited to the table, but were allowed to stand behind the fence and listen to the guests shout “Bitter!” young people, and then listen to songs - after the fifth glass at our weddings they began to sing... The “observers” behind the fence also happened to sing along... And in the end they were “carried out” from the wedding table with a five-liter bottle of cloudy moonshine - the main prize , for the sake of which this “observation” was started.

It is not without satisfaction that the decision was made in Ufa to organize a BRICS bank with a capital of 100 billion dollars. I hope that we, as “observers,” will get the treasured bottle out of it in the form of a loan. Three billion would be enough for the first time.

They greeted me at the Ufa airport in the traditional Slavic way - with bread and salt. Of course, I could, like Putin in Minsk for the last time, not touch the bread for safety reasons, like, what if it’s poisoned? But he didn’t give a damn about tradition and broke off a slice. Let everyone see - Old Man is not as paranoid as some.

Soon I had a chance to meet the host of the summit himself.
On the way, I noticed that Ufa is a huge dark village, half covered with all sorts of imitation posters depicting beautiful houses and picturesque birch groves... They even imitated grass there! They covered the ground with a green carpet, they say, look - the grass is turning green! Where there were not enough carpets, the withered grass was paved over.

Maybe Xi Jinping didn’t notice the forgery, but nothing can be hidden from my sharp gaze... In Belarus, too, sometimes similar window dressing takes place, but not on the same industrial scale! If we hold “Dozhynki” in the regional center, then it happens that they will spoil something there when they don’t have time... But to roll the grass into the asphalt... On the other hand, it was nice that all this was being done for your sake... So that you personally don’t get stung by the typical Russian outback.

If you remember, I noted a few lines above that people are brought together by something they have in common. Belarus and Afghanistan had a common war. We attacked them as part of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in 1979... We killed their president Amin and appointed our own - Babrak Karmal... Then Babrak Karmal - he really asked for it - was replaced by Najibullah. Babrak Karmal fled to Moscow, just like Yanukovych to Rostov-on-Don, but Najibullah did not make it when Soviet troops left Afghanistan. And Najibullah was hanged in the center of Kabul...

I remembered this as friendly advice from an experienced historian to all those who are today implementing Moscow’s policy in Crimea and the occupied part of Donbass... The main thing, friends, is on time "make legs", as our people say, when Ukrainians will inevitably and stubbornly return everything that Putin stole from them.

During a meeting with the President of Afghanistan, I remembered the war, calling it " unhappy"...Yes, it would be better if it didn’t exist.. It would be better if we put the device on “international duty.” We sing a song to the madness of the elders. And today - especially. I’m talking about the Kremlin elders, if anyone doesn’t understand. After all, Vladimir Vladimirovich today - an old man. Hopelessly insane. And very dangerous.

I had the opportunity to look at him up close last Wednesday... A supposedly youthful, Botox-pumped face, and at the same time absolutely treacherously senile hands. The hands of a very old man...And so I say to the President of Afghanistan

LUKASHENKO: “We are very glad that, despite the unfortunate war that you and I had to endure (we do not hide that our Belarusians were also in this war), we did not become embittered, decades later we turned this page of history and are building our new relations. "

We have at least two reasons not to be bitter towards the Afghans. Firstly, that war was called in our country "fulfillment of international duty." Whoever fulfills his duty cannot, a priori, become bitter. International duty is akin to marital duty - you fulfill it and sit (or lie) satisfied. There is no room for bitterness here.
Well, secondly, the Soviet Union (and Belarus as part of it) attacked Afghanistan. The aggressor should not become bitter, even if he was punched in the teeth. The aggressor may experience a feeling of guilt, regret that this happened, but not bitterness.

Being a man of exceptional sincerity, I specifically remarked to my Afghan colleague that “We don’t hide it - our Belarusians were also in this war.”...But they could, it turns out, hide this fact...But what are they hiding? - all sorts of negative phenomena and misdeeds, and even crimes... That is, I perceive the President of Afghanistan not as the heir of Najibullah, who was hanged, but as a representative of the Mujahideen, with whom we fought for ten years.

In general, in fact, I admitted that we fought against the Afghan people... But at the same time we fulfilled our “international duty”... It’s like now Russia is providing international assistance to Ukraine in the form of undisguised aggression. There, in the Crimea and Donbass, their babraks pocketed - Aksyonov, Zakharchenko, Plotnitsky... There was an ishcho Girkind, but he disappeared in time.

In Ufa I had the opportunity to communicate with the presidents of Iran and Brazil. The Brazilian president is a very beautiful woman. There are many female presidents in South America... Brazil, Argentina, Chile... Someday, not in my lifetime, Belarus will also elect a female president... But as long as I am alive, this will not happen... I will not allow it zhenshchynu...Whatever it costs me...In the most cruel way. At the cost of considerable sacrifices.

It so happened that because of my visit to Ufa, for the first time in my years of rule, I did not take part in the opening of the Slavyanski Bazaar festival. I sent only a video greeting to Vitebsk. In it, I noted that “Slavic Bazaar” contributes to the preservation of the cultural identity of different peoples. And that art unites people without knowing boundaries, being an effective form of public diplomacy.

Alas, our festival was overshadowed by the openly fascist behavior of the formerly famous actor and now theater figure Oleg Tabakov. Who would have thought that under the guise of the kindly and politically correct Kot Matroskin, Oblomov and the “blue thief” Alchen hides the disgusting mug of SS Brigadeführer Walter Schellenberg. This is what this elderly asshole said the other day about the people of Ukraine and Ukrainian culture.

TABAKOV: “They are not very enlightened anyway. As the grandmother said in her hearts: “But spit on them.” These are dark and illiterate people." The trouble is that normal people will suffer from the fact that normal information does not reach them in any way. Well, it is necessary for one of the inhabitants of this country to understand something from the inside. I tell you so I’ll say: I’m ashamed of the abominations they do, killing people and destroying their homes. And so, to respond to them... I waved my hand, despite the fact that I have one quarter of Ukrainian blood. I feel sorry for them, do you understand? in a sense, poor. And now I’ll tell you a very sacramental thought. The real trouble is that at all times their best representatives of intelligence and literature were somewhere in second or third position compared to the Russians. "

"Inhabitants of this Country"- that’s what he called the Ukrainians. I wonder what he thinks, Tabakov, about the best representatives of the intellect and literature of Belarus? What position, in comparison with the Russians, he will give them the fourth, the tenth?

Russia has long been pregnant with fascism. And last spring she finally gave birth. After Putin’s Crimean-Sudeten speech. In light of the upcoming international trials, please do not forget that Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko spoke about Ukrainians in defiance of Tabakov and other fascist evil spirits.

LUKASHENKO: "I have already spoken about Ukrainians. I don’t have Western or Eastern Ukrainians. Because, as a boy, when I served in the border troops, I often visited the West - wonderful people, hard workers...I constantly came across these people - wonderful people in the West, no different from those living in the East. But someone needs to divide Ukraine into two parts, and receive some dividends from this. This cannot be allowed" (March 26, in an interview for the Ukrainian television program “Shuster Live”)