Mark twain most witty aphorisms and quotes. Mark Twain There is no humor in heaven. Aphorisms, quotes, sayings Speak and then you don’t have to remember anything

Are you here: nervous

Tell the truth, and then you won't have to remember anything.

Kindness is what the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

If it is a miracle, then a witness will suffice; if it is a fact, irrefutable evidence is needed.

Better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise.

Man is a religious animal; the only animal that loves its neighbor as itself, and cuts its throat if it disagrees with it in theological matters.

On weekdays, we do not use our morality very well. By Sunday, it always requires restoration.

If you are in a hurry to build a universe or a house, you will almost certainly notice later that you forgot to make a sandbank or a closet for brushes.

Of all God's creatures, only one cannot be forced into obedience by force - a cat. If it were possible to cross a man with a cat, it would improve the human breed, but it would damage the feline one.

I have no prejudices about skin color, caste, religion. It is enough to know that we are talking about a person - it can’t be worse anyway.

If the snake was forbidden, Adam would have eaten it too.

When I was younger, I remembered everything - both what was and what was not. Now I'm getting old and soon I'll remember only the last.

If man created man, he would be ashamed of his work.

Any deception can heal if the patient firmly believes in it.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

We would live a much happier life if we could be born eighty years old and gradually approach eighteen.

Let's live so that even the undertaker will regret us when we die!

If all people thought the same way, no one would play the races.

If God is as he is supposed to be, he must be the most miserable of all in the universe. He watches every hour myriads of creatures he has created, experiencing incalculable suffering. He also knows the suffering they are yet to endure. You can say: "Unfortunate as God."

If you notice that you are on the side of the majority, this is a sure sign that it is time to change.

A civil servant is a person chosen by the people to distribute bribes.

A classic is something that everyone considers it necessary to read and no one reads.

In religion and politics, beliefs and beliefs are almost always taken second-hand and without verification.

He started his medical practice a year ago and had two patients - or perhaps three; yes, three: I was at their funeral.

I have been praised a great many times, and I have always been embarrassed; each time I felt that more could be said.

I can eat one good compliment for two months.

When in doubt, speak the truth.

Some German words are so long that they can be observed in perspective. When you look along such a word, it narrows towards the end, like railroad tracks.

When I was fourteen my father was so stupid that I could hardly bear him; but when I was twenty-one years old, I was amazed at how much this old man had grown in the last seven years.

The witticism is an unexpected marriage of two ideas that were not even familiar before the wedding.

Wrinkles should only be traces of past smiles.

I used to work in the gold mines and I know everything about gold mining, except for one thing: how to make money there.

We would decorate any funeral, but we were not suitable for more cheerful celebrations.

Buy a bike - you won't regret it if you stay alive.

The sight of a drunk will certainly bring to mind some other story with a drunk.

Old Mormon advice

– My friend, take the old man's advice: don't burden yourself with a big family. Only in a small family, in a close home circle, will you find comfort and that peace of mind, which is the best and highest blessing of all prepared for us in this world. Believe me, ten - at most twelve - wives are enough for you, do not cross this border.

Only presidents, editors and tapeworm patients have the right to call themselves “we” in print publications.

He could predict wars and famines; however, it was not difficult: they are always fighting somewhere and almost always starving somewhere.

No person is able to understand what true love is until they have been married for a quarter of a century.

I was glad that I could give an answer immediately. So I did. I said I don't know.

There is no more pathetic sight than a man explaining his joke.

First, God created man. Then he created woman. Then God felt sorry for the man, and he gave him tobacco.

Not a single improvisation comes to me as well as the one that I prepared for three days.

At one of the receptions, Mark Twain was talking to a lady. He said:

- You are charming.

The person was not in the mood and replied:

“Unfortunately, I cannot thank you with the same compliment.

The writer laughed.

- And you do as I do: lie!

Once in a lifetime, happiness knocks on everyone's door, but often this one sits in a nearby tavern and does not hear the knock.

Good friends, good books, and a sleeping conscience - this is the ideal life.

Twain was said to get a dollar a line. One day he received a check for one dollar with the note: "Please send me one word."

Twain replied, "Thank you."

All that is known about this man is that he did not go to prison, but why he did not go to prison is unknown.

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Mark Twain
The most witty aphorisms and quotes

Tell the truth, and then you won't have to remember anything.

* * *

Kindness is what the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

* * *

Better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise.

* * *

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

* * *

On weekdays, we do not use our morality very well. By Sunday, it always needs repair.

* * *

Let's live so that even the undertaker will regret us when we die!

* * *

If all people thought the same way, no one would play the races.

* * *

If the desire to kill and the ability to kill always coincided, which of us would escape the gallows?

* * *

If the snake was forbidden, Adam would have eaten it too.

* * *

If man created man, he would be ashamed of his work.

* * *

If you don't like New England weather, wait a few minutes.

* * *

If you notice that you are on the side of the majority, this is a sure sign that it is time to change.

* * *

A classic is something that everyone considers it necessary to read and no one reads.

* * *

When I was fourteen my father was so stupid that I could hardly bear him; but when I was twenty-one years old, I was amazed at how much this old man had grown in the last seven years.

* * *

When something that we have been waiting for a very long time finally comes, it seems like a surprise.

* * *

Some German words are so long that they can be observed in perspective. When you look along such a word, it narrows towards the end, like railroad tracks.

* * *

When in doubt, speak the truth.

* * *

Wrinkles are just an indication of the place where a smile often occurs.

* * *

We in America have received three invaluable gifts: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and prudence to keep us from using them.

* * *

We would decorate any funeral, but we were not suitable for more cheerful celebrations.

* * *

Only presidents, editors and tapeworm patients have the right to call themselves “we” in print publications.

* * *

Let's not be too picky. It is better to have old used diamonds than not to have any.

* * *

No person is able to understand what true love is until they have been married for a quarter of a century.

* * *

All that is known about this man is that he did not go to prison, but why he did not go to prison is unknown.

* * *

Once in a lifetime, happiness knocks on everyone's door, but often this one sits in a nearby tavern and does not hear the knock.

* * *

Twain was said to get a dollar a line. One day he received a check for one dollar with the note: "Please send me one word."

Twain replied, "Thank you."

* * *

The peach was once a bitter almond, and the cauliflower is a common, later-graduated cabbage.

* * *

Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction must adhere to plausibility, but truth does not need it.

* * *

Modesty died when clothing was born.

* * *

First, God created man. Then he created woman. Then God felt sorry for the man, and he gave him tobacco.

* * *

First get the facts, and then you can play with them at your leisure.

* * *

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

* * *

France is a country where there is no winter, no summer, no morality; other than that, it's a wonderful place.

* * *

Good for Adam! If he happened to be successful in joking, he could be sure that he was not repeating other people's jokes.

* * *

Reader, imagine that you are an idiot; Now imagine that you are a congressman; however, I am repeating myself.

* * *

A wonderful sight is the unshakable faith of a Christian who has four aces in his hands.

* * *

Sixty years ago, "optimist" and "fool" were not synonymous.

* * *

I made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigarette at a time.

* * *

I have made it a rule never to smoke in my sleep and never to abstain from smoking when I am awake.

* * *

I am not like Washington: my principles are higher and grander. Washington simply could not lie. I can, but I refrain.

* * *

An Englishman is a person who does something because it has been done before. An American is a person who does something because it has never been done before.

* * *

Friendship is such a holy, sweet, lasting and permanent feeling that it can be kept for life, unless you try to ask for a loan.

* * *

Italy achieved its cherished desire - it became independent. But, having achieved independence, she won the elephant in the political lottery. She has nothing to feed him.

* * *

I would abolish unreasonably long compound words in German or require them to be presented in parts - with breaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

* * *

Avoid those who try to undermine your faith in yourself. A great person, on the contrary, inspires the feeling that you can become great.

* * *

A cat, once sitting on a hot stove, will never sit on a hot stove again - and it will do well, but it will never sit on a cold one either.

* * *

A bank is an institution where you can borrow money if there is a way to convince you that you do not need it.

* * *

Everything human is sad. The secret source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

* * *

Good parenting is the ability to hide how much we think about ourselves and how little we think about others.

* * *

When you read the Bible, you are more surprised at God's ignorance than at his omniscience.

* * *

It often seems to me that it would have been better if Noah and his crew were late for their ark.

* * *

All peoples do not like each other, but all together they hate only the Jews.

* * *

It is better to be silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and dispel all doubts.

* * *

Only women can be not only the best judges of women, but also their executioners.

* * *

APRIL 1. On this day, we are reminded of what we are for the remaining three hundred and sixty-four days.

* * *

It is better to earn honor and not have it, than to have it without earning it.

* * *

The truth is the greatest treasure, you need to save it.

* * *

Nothing needs to be corrected more than someone else's habits.

* * *

Blasphemy provides relief that even prayer cannot provide.

* * *

The best way to cheer up is to cheer up the other person.

* * *

God created Italy according to the plan of Michelangelo.

* * *

The familiar truth is unpleasant.

* * *

If a German writer dives into a phrase, you will not see him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic Ocean with a verb in his mouth.

* * *

There are many funny things in the world; among other things, the white man's conviction that he is less of a savage than all other savages.

* * *

Avoid those who try to undermine your belief in the possibility of achieving something significant in life. This feature is characteristic of small souls.

* * *

There is no greater vulgarity than excessive sophistication.

* * *

Man was created on the last day of creation, when God was already tired.

* * *

I could be a soldier if I wanted to. I have already mastered part of the military trade: I know more about retreat than the man who invented retreat.

* * *

I have never exercised in my life except for sleeping and lying on the couch.

* * *

Prophecy is very difficult, especially when it comes to the future.

* * *

If a man claims that he is the master of the house, then he is lying in other cases.

* * *

First of all, you need facts, and only then you can do with them what you want.

* * *

A lie will travel half the world before the truth has time to put on its shoes.

* * *

It often happens that a person who has never told a lie in his life undertakes to judge what is true and what is a lie.

* * *

One of the main differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

* * *

No one could live with a person who constantly tells the truth; Thank God none of us is in danger.

* * *

In that country, the people were liars, every single one of them. Even the greeting "How are you?" was a lie, because the questioner didn't care in the least how you were, unless he was an undertaker.

* * *

Offensive truth is not at all superior to insulting lies.

* * *

If a person is not a coward, he can rob a whole passenger train alone, and if he is only half a coward, he can stop the stagecoach and rob everyone who rides in it.

* * *

We like people who dare to tell us what they think, as long as they think like us.

* * *

It is worth giving your word that you will not do something, as you will definitely want to.

* * *

Adam and Eve had many advantages over us, but they were most fortunate in that they avoided teething.

* * *

It must have been difficult for Adam and Eve to have a conversation: they had no one to gossip about.

* * *

Now I see that I was mistaken about Eve: it is better to live outside of paradise with her than without her - in paradise.

* * *

October 12 is America's Discovery Day. It's great that America was discovered, but it would be much more wonderful if Columbus sailed by.

* * *

Only a donkey is able to compliment you and immediately make a request. Although there are a lot of donkeys.

* * *

When your friends start complimenting you on how great you look, it's a sure sign that you're getting older.

* * *

Hell is the only truly significant Christian community in the universe.

* * *

At present, the heavenly halls are heated by radiators connected to hell. The torments of sinners are aggravated by the knowledge that the fire that devours them, at the same time provides comfort to the righteous.

* * *

When it became known for certain that heavenly bliss awaited him, hitherto unprecedented jubilation arose in paradise. Hell too.

* * *

Heaven is better in terms of climate, but company is better in hell.

* * *

When I think about how many nasty people went to heaven, I am overcome with the desire to give up the pious life.

* * *

There are many kinds of stories, but only one of them is really difficult - a humorous story.

* * *

What is human life? The first third is a good time; the rest is a memory of him.

* * *

What to do with the person who was the first to celebrate a birthday? Killing is not enough.

* * *

Too bad we can't run away from life when we're young.

* * *

Good manners are an organized defense of mature people from youth.

* * *

I never let my schoolwork interfere with my education.

* * *

God created idiots first - just for practice. Then he created school mentors.

* * *

One who does not read good books has no advantage over a person who cannot read them.

* * *

I was glad that I could give an answer immediately. So I did. I said I don't know.

* * *

His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and you would not find a single tear in it.

* * *

If you cross a king with a prostitute, then the result will be something that is fully consistent with the English idea of \u200b\u200bthe nobility.

* * *

Make an Irishman drink light beer for a month and he'll be done. The Irishman is lined with copper on the inside, and beer corrodes it. Whiskey, on the contrary, polishes copper, and for the Irish it is saving.

* * *

There are two million gods in India and they are all revered. In terms of religion, all other countries are poor, and only India is a millionaire.

* * *

Do not miss an opportunity to do good - if it does not threaten you with great harm. Don't miss a chance to drink - under any circumstances.

* * *

Having switched to a sober lifestyle, you suddenly notice that you are completely drunk from the smell of a vodka cork.

* * *

The vow of abstinence cannot make bad whiskey good, but it can make it taste better.

* * *

They gave a lecture about sobriety, but they got so much money that they didn’t even have enough to drink.

* * *

The correct proportions of the aphorism: a minimum of sounds, a maximum of meaning.

* * *

The difference between a right word and an almost right word is the same as between lightning and the twinkling of a firefly.

* * *

The devil doesn't have a single paid assistant, while the Opposite Side has a million.

* * *

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that millions of people believed in it; the same millions believed that the earth was flat.

* * *

There are many scapegoats on which we blame our mistakes, but the most popular of them is the Providence of God.

* * *

There was only one Christian; They seized him and quickly crucified him.

* * *

Man will never reach such dizzying heights of wisdom that he cannot be fooled.

* * *

I must have a huge reserve of mind: it sometimes takes a whole week to throw them off.

* * *

Aren't all the fools in town on our side? And aren't they the vast majority in any city?

* * *

Scoffers, even the most mediocre and stupid, can ruin any character, even the most beautiful and noble. Take, for example, the donkey: his character is almost flawless, and this is a storehouse of intelligence next to other ordinary animals, but look what ridicule has done to him. Instead of feeling flattered when they call us donkeys, we feel doubt.

* * *

By nature, he was endowed with an amount of stupidity that would be enough to circle the globe four times and tie a knot.

* * *

The right to be stupid is one of the guarantees of the free development of the individual.

* * *

God keeps fools and children, says the proverb. This is the absolute truth. I know this because I tested it myself.

* * *

To each his own. Saint Francis of Assisi said: "Every saint can work a miracle, but not everyone can decently run an inn."

* * *

It is fashionable in New England to give Indian names to inns, not because the dead savages were well versed in the hotel business, but because warlike Indian nicknames so strongly affect the imagination of a traveler who humbly begs for a lodging for the night, that he is grateful to a kind and generous employee if he let him go without scalping him.

* * *

Once it was a good hotel, but I was once a good boy too.

* * *

Similarity is not achieved in the literature by copying.

* * *

Write for free until someone offers you a fee for your writing. If you don't get offered a cent for three years, then you'd better do something else.

* * *

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything.

* * *

The real writers needed by literature are so rare that the publishers of books and magazines are looking for them everywhere, never knowing a moment's rest.

* * *

Genius—at any rate, literary genius—cannot be discovered by one's relatives; they are too close to him and therefore see him out of focus, unable to correctly assess his proportions, unable to notice how much his size exceeds their own.

* * *

Americans and British are strangers to each other, although to a lesser extent than other peoples. Men and women, even husband and wife, are also strangers to each other. Everyone has his own, hidden from the other and inaccessible.

* * *

I don't think that I could like her, except perhaps on a raft on the high seas, and even then if there was absolutely nothing to eat.

* * *

Kissing requires both hands.

* * *

Much could be said about her virtue, but everything else is much more interesting.

* * *

I have seen men who have hardly changed in thirty years, but their wives have become old women. All these were virtuous women, and virtue wears out a man very much.

* * *

For every fifty people who visit the opera with us, perhaps one loves it even now; of the other forty-nine, I think most go to the opera in order to learn to love it.

* * *

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

* * *

Music without words is often sad; and even more often - music without music.

* * *

When asked if he sings, Mark Twain replied: "Those who heard me say no."

* * *

What is the noblest creation of God? - Human. Who thought of this before? - Human.

* * *

To create a man was a glorious and original idea. But to create a sheep after that meant to repeat.

* * *

God created man because he was disappointed in the monkey. After that, he abandoned further experiments.

* * *

Man is the only animal that can blush and has reason to do so.

* * *

People are like the moon: each of us has our own dark side, which we hide from everyone.

* * *

If we are not respected, we are severely offended; And deep down, nobody really respects themselves.

* * *

We are all made from the same dough, and of rather poor quality.

* * *

In our time, only healthy people can be hidden in psychiatric hospitals. If you try to place psychos there, you will run out of building materials. All people are insane in their own way. There are no sound minds, and only a case saves a person - when, by pure chance, his illness is not subjected to a greater test.

* * *

A person with a new idea is nothing more than a nutcase until the idea prevails. If a redhead occupies a sufficiently high position in the world, his hair is called golden brown.

* * *

A man of character always rejects the first offer, whatever it may be.

* * *

A person is ready for a lot to arouse love, but he will do anything to arouse envy.

* * *

A person is able to come to terms with any injustice if he was born and raised under it.

* * *

Everyone's secret motto: It's better to be popular than to be right.

* * *

A man is adorned by clothes. Naked people have very little influence in society, if not none at all.

* * *

It is so arranged in the world that a person, having ceased to worry about one thing, begins to worry about another.

* * *

Everything managed to find a use, except for snoring.

* * *

There are no people more rude than overly refined natures.

* * *

Noise proves nothing. It happens that a chicken that laid an egg clucks so loudly, as if it had demolished an entire planet.

* * *

He was conceited in only one way: he thought he could give better advice than anyone else.

* * *

A rich man can have any principles.

* * *

Few of us can bear the burden of wealth. Of course, someone else.

* * *

The rich don't care about anyone but themselves; only the poor sympathize with the poor and help them.

* * *

The Italian king increased the annual salary of his soldiers by three and a half dollars. They used to get seven. But will they really be happier than when they were poor?

* * *

If everyone were rich, then everyone would be poor.

* * *

A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella on a sunny day and takes it back the moment it starts to rain.

* * *

You should refrain from speculating on the stock exchange in two cases: if you do not have funds and if you have them.

* * *

October is one of the most dangerous months of the year for trading on the stock exchange. Other dangerous months: July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

* * *

The fool said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" – in other words: spray your interests and money! And the wise man said: “Put all your eggs in one basket, but ... TAKE CARE OF THE BASKET!”

* * *

An easy way to save money: when you feel the urge to immediately donate money to some charity, do not rush: count to forty - you will save half the money; count to sixty - you will save three quarters; count to sixty-five and you'll save everything.

* * *

Mules, monkeys and camels can satisfy their hunger with anything, but they cannot get enough of anything.

* * *

A year ago I was a virtuous person. And now that I'm faced with New York mores, I have no more conscience than a millionaire.

* * *

Actually, I am against millionaires, but if I were offered to become one ...

* * *

One child is enough to fill the whole house and yard.

* * *

Cultivate in your children independence, self-confidence and endurance, which will save them from the temptation to crack your skull and find out how, with such vast knowledge, you can hide all this in yourself.

* * *

If you need to subject a young man to a severe and painful punishment, take his word that he will keep a diary for a year.

* * *

A real southern watermelon is a special gift of nature, and it should not be mixed with any ordinary gifts. Taste it and you will understand what angels eat. Eve did not eat watermelon, no, we know that for sure: she repented.

* * *

I don't get involved in politics. We have a political editor. This is a very capable man, and if he serves a year or two in a criminal prison, he will become positively indispensable.

* * *

Who writes book reviews? People who themselves have not written a single book.

* * *

Who writes heartfelt appeals about sobriety and cries loudest about the dangers of drunkenness? People who will only sober up in a coffin.

* * *

A true friend is with you when you're wrong. When you are right, everyone will be with you.

* * *

I noticed that all kinds of indoor games were collected on the tables of his living room. I thought it was a sign of a gray and boring life. And he turned out to be right.

* * *

It is easy to call a person wise, it is much more difficult to convince his friends of this.

* * *

If you need money, go to strangers; if you need advice, go to your friends; and if you don't need anything, go to your relatives.

* * *

Your enemy and your friend are working together to strike you in the heart: one says nasty things about you, the other gives you his words.

* * *

Grandma didn't tell me to play cards. She said in a whisper, “Drop those crappy cards at once! Two pair and a jack - you are such a fool! He has the suit on his hands!”

* * *

He didn't say a word, but every cell in his body exuded silent blasphemy.

* * *

Let's curse while there is time, they won't let us in paradise.

* * *

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, with the exception of an old optimist.

* * *

There are such born grumblers who see only one change for the worse.

* * *

He who becomes a pessimist before the age of forty-eight knows too much; and those who remain optimistic after forty-eight know too little.

* * *

At fifty a man can be an ass without being an optimist, but he can no longer be an optimist without being an ass.

* * *

Optimist: A person who travels from Nowhere to Nothing in search of happiness.

* * *

There are some legislatures that sell for the highest prices in the world.

* * *

He should be president if he is not hanged by then.

* * *

The Secretary of War lives so economically that he manages to save up twelve thousand dollars in a year on a salary of eight thousand.

* * *

The government of my country despises simple-minded honesty, but encourages artistic covetousness, and it seems to me that I could grow out of a very capable pickpocket if I served in the public service for a year.

* * *

It's hard to imagine these days that there was a time when robbing the government was considered an innovation.

* * *

Senator: A person who makes laws when he is not serving a term.

* * *

The ballot is the only commodity that can be traded without a patent.

* * *

Principles do not play a big role, except perhaps during elections. After the election, they can be hung on a rope so that they are properly ventilated and dried.

* * *

The Democratic Party is made up of crazy people, but none of the members of the Democratic Party knows about it. But the Republicans know it. All Republicans are crazy, but only Democrats know about it.

* * *

All political parties eventually die, choking on their own lies.

* * *

Even when a person in power wants to do good to one person, he inevitably does harm to another.

* * *

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next.

* * *

History teaches that wherever weak and ignorant people had something that strong and educated people wanted to have, the former always conceded it of their own free will.

* * *

Let me fabricate the prejudices of a nation, and I don't give a damn who fabricates its laws or its songs.

* * *

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It works until the very minute you get up to give a speech.

* * *

A genuine impromptu is always worse and paler than a preconceived one.

* * *

Any parallel is sure that it could well become the equator, if its rights were not infringed upon.

* * *

To teach oneself is a noble thing, but still more noble is to teach others; By the way, the latter is much easier.

* * *

Very few sinners were saved after the first twenty minutes of the sermon.

* * *

What he lacked in depth in his sermon, he made up for in length.

* * *

I have traveled a lot and have come to the conclusion that even angels speak English with a foreign accent.

* * *

The knowledge of the guides in English is just sufficient to bring any explanation to complete incomprehensibility.

* * *

Dial a team to sail to heaven and try to make a stop in hell for two and a half hours, just to get coal, and I'll be damned if some son of a bitch doesn't stay on the shore.

* * *

I refused to participate in his funeral, but sent a very polite letter in which I approved this event.

* * *

It is hardly comforting enough for a corpse to know that the dynamite that tore it to pieces was not as good a quality as it should have been.

* * *

Heaven is accepted not on merit, but on patronage, otherwise you would have remained outside the threshold, but would have let your dog in.

* * *

Our conscience is very annoying. She is like a child.

* * *

If I had a dog as importunate as my conscience, I would poison it. It takes up more space than all the other insides, but there is no sense from it.

* * *

A bad conscience is like a hair in your mouth.

* * *

A sense of morality helps us understand the essence of morality and how to evade it.

* * *

We were little Christian boys and learned early on the sweetness of forbidden fruits.

* * *

Ethics consists of political ethics, commercial ethics, church ethics and ethics.

* * *

It is easier to behave correctly than to come up with rules of conduct.

* * *

There are several ways to deal with temptation; the surest of them is cowardice.

* * *

Be virtuous and you will be lonely.

* * *

Rearing horses in the paintings of the old masters look like kangaroos.

* * *

Going on a train journey, there is absolutely no need to insure. The danger lies not in riding the railroad, but in sitting at home.

* * *

The law of labor is extremely unfair, but this is how it was created, and it is impossible to change it: the more joy a worker receives while working, the more money he is paid for his work.

* * *

Thousands of geniuses live and die unknown, either unrecognized by others or unrecognized by themselves.

* * *

A self-taught person rarely knows anything properly and usually ten times less than he would learn with a teacher.

* * *

Sunday only happens once a week and I regret it. Man is so constituted that he could endure two Sundays.

* * *

There is nothing more annoying than a good example.

* * *

A person should not criticize others on the ground on which he himself cannot stand perpendicular.

* * *

Humor sets in motion the mechanism of thought.

* * *

The witticism is an unexpected marriage of two ideas that were not even familiar before the wedding.

* * *

My jokes were so subtle that no one noticed them.

* * *

Ancient witticisms should be classified according to geological periods.

* * *

A great way to ruin a relationship with a person is to say: “No, that’s not how you tell this joke.” Then tell it your way.

* * *

Two of Twain's New York friends, Brander Matthews and Francis Wilson, decided to send him a letter. At the time, Twain was traveling and had no permanent address, so on the envelope they wrote:

MARK TWAIN,

GOD KNOWS WHERE.

Three weeks later came the answer: "Yes, He knows."

* * *

Auspicious prophecies are like wars for a good cause: they are so rare that they can be ignored.

* * *

Theories do not prove anything, but they allow you to buy time and relax if you are completely confused, trying to find something that cannot be found.

* * *

You cannot rely on your judgment if the imagination is out of focus.

* * *

One day Twain walked into one of the largest New York bookstores.

- I, please, the last book of Mark Twain, - he turned to the saleswoman.

The seller thought

- Mark Twain? I don't remember something. What theater does he play in?

Telling this story to acquaintances, Twain said:

“Thank God there's at least one person in New York who doesn't know me.

* * *

A soap bubble is the most beautiful and most perfect thing that exists in nature.

* * *

About God, Twain spoke with restraint:

“You know we have a strained relationship.

* * *

The stars are not as close to each other as they seem.

* * *

It's a good idea to check the weather forecast before you start praying for rain.

* * *

Rules of conduct in a dog fight: let your secret sympathy be on the weak side - this is generosity, but bet on the stronger one - this is your business.

* * *

Never tell the truth to people who don't deserve it.

* * *

Never lie, except for practice.

* * *

Do not tell stories about the fish you caught where you are known, and especially where this fish is known.

* * *

Do not waste lies, how do you know when they really can come in handy!

* * *

You have to stand on your head to get the most out of the sunset, and you have to frame the landscape in a thick, massive frame to extract all its beauty.

* * *

That George was able not to lie is not all that remarkable; what is surprising is that he succeeded without preparation, impromptu.

* * *

Dance like no one is watching you. Sing like no one can hear you. Love like you've never been betrayed and live like the earth is heaven.

* * *

If you're angry, count to four; if you are very angry - swear!

* * *

Apparently, there is nothing in the world that could not happen.

* * *

Our judicial system is very efficient, its effectiveness only fluctuates occasionally because it is difficult to find a dozen or two people every day who cannot read and write.

* * *

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

* * *

Being good is so wearing out a person!

* * *

Any emotion is involuntary if it is sincere.

* * *

Glory is smoke, success is an accident! The only thing that is reliable here on earth is obscurity.

* * *

I see that often, even very often, the reasons for human actions in the field of politics and religion are not far removed from the motivation of monkeys.

* * *

Life would be much happier if we were born at the age of 80 and gradually reached the age of 18.

* * *

If Christ were to appear here now, in any case, he would not be a Christian.

* * *

Carefully read medical reference books, otherwise you can die from a typo.

* * *

A patriot is the one who screams the loudest, not knowing what, in fact, the scream is.

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