Funny short and very funny Jewish jokes. Jewish humor: quotes. Funny Jewish Jokes Jokes About Famous Jews

Note from the teacher to the parents: "Dear parents! Wash your Sema! It smells!"
Response note: "Dear Serafima Lvovna! This one does not need to smell!
This needs to be taught!"

Please, what should I sit on to get to Deribasovskaya?

Sit on your ass, you are already on Deribasovskaya!

Madame Trachtenberg, when is your Sofochka thinking of getting married?

Is always!

Rabinovich, what is this bruise under your eye?

And let them not climb!

Two old Jews are riding a tram and passing by a house where there was a brothel before the revolution. One takes a deep breath.

The other turns to him and says:

You will tell me!

Rabinovich! Hello, you were healthy! And you look good and are taller than steel, and have lost weight, and the hair on your bald head has grown ... You simply cannot be recognized!

I am not Rabinovich!

So you changed your last name too?

A visitor with a suitcase approaches an Odessa citizen:

Tell me, if I walk along this street, will there be a train station there?

You know, he'll be there even if you don't go there!

Doctor, will I live?

And sho, without it in any way?

Moishe, how much are your coffins?

Fifteen each.

Ha, Rabinovich has twenty, so at least there is where to turn around!

Good evening, Sarah Abramovna! How is your headache?

Oh, gone to play cards...

Haim, if you had a million dollars, what would you do?

Nothing.

Like nothing?

What for?

Borya! Don't hit Izya so hard! You will sweat!

Sarah! Sarah! Your son eats from the garbage heap!

Abrash! Don't eat much, have lunch soon!

Moishe, when you are not at home, the neighbors say such things about you! ..

Oh, when I'm not at home, so let them even beat me!

Mom, what is the correct way to write mine - "flyakonchik" or "flykonchik"?

Oh, write "Pizurok", and that's it!

Rabinovich! Borrow the ruble!

Oh, I can't! I don't have it with me!

Houses? With your prayers, everything is fine at home!

How much does it cost to get to Deribasovskaya?

Five rubles.

And if I go with Izaya?

With Izzy, without Easy... Five roubles.

Izzy, are you listening? I told you that you are worthless!

Sarah, how much do you weigh?

In glasses - one hundred and twenty kilograms.

Why are you wearing glasses?

And without them, I don't see the numbers.

Moishe, where are you running like that?

I hasten to fulfill my marital duty.

So you live on the other side!

I won't take it there!

Sema, are you a Jew?

What, something happened

Abraham, are you already settled?

No, I'm still working.

Moishe, tell me, are you happy with your Basya?

And where to go?

Have you ever seen Rabinovich in a fight?

No, but what?

God, Schaub you saw how he was beaten!

Rebbe, if I bequeath all my money to the synagogue and die, will I go to heaven?

You know, Izya, I can’t promise exactly, but I think it’s worth a try!

Odessa. Revolution. A knock on the apartment door. A woman opens, two terrorists are on the threshold.

We'll put a machine gun in your window.

Put up a gun, but what will people say? I have an adult daughter, and completely unfamiliar men are shooting from the window!

Rabinovich, did you hear? Izzy is seriously ill!

I wonder why he needed it?

Rabinovich! Where are you in such a hurry?

To the brothel!

At six in the morning?!

Oh, I want to get out of there as soon as possible.

Abram! Your wife - *****!

But anyway...

Rabinovich! Do you have a hundred dollars to change?

No, but thanks for the compliment!

You've heard it said that those who actively have sex live much longer...

What did I tell you! That old prostitute Tsilya will outlive us!..

Sarochka! You look just great today!

Ha! I still feel bad!

On the beach, a young man approaches a girl:

Girl you are beautiful! I want you!

Oh, what are you! I'm shy!

Yes? Well sorry! - turns and walks away. The girl calls after him:

Oh oh oh! He wants as much as I'm embarrassed!

Abraham, what is destiny?

Oh, if you're walking down the street and a brick falls on your head!

And if by?

There is no chance.

The doorbell rings for the old Jew. On the doorstep is a neighbor.

Solomon Lazarevich! Are you a furrier?

So yes!

So sew up your cat's ass so that she doesn't shit under my door!

- Sonechka, you want to say that I'm ruining your life?!
- No, Monya, you fertilize it for me!

On Privoz
— You won't say how much the meat costs.
“Why don’t I tell you, did we quarrel?”

Dying Rabinovich asks for a wife.
- When I die, put Torra in my coffin.
- All right, Abramchik.
- Also put the Bible and the Koran.
- Why…?
Just in case, Rosa, just in case.

On TV praise the artist:
“With one brushstroke, he can turn a laughing face into a crying one.
“Oh, I beg you,” Monya comments. - My Sofochka with a broom, can do the same!

— Chaim, I heard you are getting married!
- Yes, yes!
- And how do you like your future wife?
— Oh, how many people, so many opinions. Mom likes it, I don't.

Fima is looking for a marriage certificate.
— Sonya, where is this piece of paper about imprisonment?
- Fima, sha! This is your lifetime subscription to three meals a day!

Deep night. Odessa. He and she are in bed. The climax is coming.
She is:
- Oh my God!
He:
— Shaw? Forgot to buy bread?

Abram came home early and found Sarachka in bed with a man.
- Aaaa!!! I will kill!!!
Quiet, quiet, Abrasha. I rented half a bed to a visitor.
- Stupid! Three people can live in this area!

Privoz check:
- Do you have documents for this fish?
- What do you need anyway? Death certificate?

Izzy, remember! Silence is not a sign of consent! This is a harbinger of trouble!

- Yasha, what do you say about the figure of Sima?
- Oh, what's my opinion? Taki used to follow her, but now she just watches.

Odessa just buried his mother-in-law. He walks along Derebasovskaya and a brick falls on him ... Right on his head. He looked to the sky and said:
“Mom, are you already there?”

Sarah, why isn't your husband doing anything to cure his deafness?
He is waiting for the children to graduate from music school.

Sarah, don't you dare argue with me!
- Abramchik, I don't mind. I am silent.
"Then get your opinion off your face!"

- Fima, something Sarachka has not been seen for a long time.
We had a fight and she went to her mother. So to speak, to the hysterical homeland.

Reminder in the toilet in one Jewish family: "Don't just sit there, think something."

Two Odessans meet:
- You know, our Tsilya is an architect ...
Yes, and what is she building?
- Ah, this fool walks along Deribasovskaya and pretends to be a girl.

There is no such object that could not serve as a surname for a Jew, and food for a Chinese.

The Jew is asked:
- You have six apples, if you give half to your brother, how many apples will be left?
- That's five and a half.

- Sofochka, you have heard, they say that those who actively have sex live much longer.
- What did I tell you! This old prostitute Tsilya will outlive us!

“Surely you would never marry a girl for money, Moishe?”
- Of course, Yefim. But, on the other hand, it is not good that she should remain an old maid because she has money.

Odessa. Shouting from the window into the courtyard:
- Izya, don't hit Khaim, you'll sweat.

Sarah, my dear, where are you going?
- I'll go to Privoz.
But we still have everything!
- Ha-ha! And to quarrel?

Monya, drop that kaku!
"Mom, okay...
- Monya, I'm telling you: drop this kaku!
- Well, mom, I'm already 50 years old and I've been living with her for 30 years, we have children.

Grandma Sonya really liked Skype.
- No, you still see what a thing! And it seems that we have guests, but we don’t need to feed.

That's what mom said...

Listen, meow, yes-ah-ah-ah?

So meow!

Madame Trachtenberg, when is your Sofochka thinking of getting married?

Jora! And how did you understand that you are a brutal man?

That's what mom said...

Two cats are sitting, Baku and Odessa.

Listen, meow, yes-ah-ah-ah?

So meow!

Monya, let's drink to those who are not with us...

Yeah, Izya, and still quickly ... while they are gone!

Sima, my joy, all normal girls, when they run, their chests shake, and you have ... cheeks!

Hello Zhora, let's go swimming naked at night!

Oh, well, you sho, I don’t know how to swim!

And we won't!

Semyon Markovich, do you know what a lie detector is?

Oh, Benya, to say that I know is to say nothing!

And sho, did you see him?

That sho saw there! I was tempted to marry him!

Mom, I'm going to volunteer for the war.

Fima, just not far away, Schaub I saw you.

Tell me, Dodik, pie - is it fish or meat?

Oh, Simochka, this is a suggestion...

Sara-Ise: - If I am a cow, then you are still a zoophile!

On the anniversary.

I'm very sorry, Monya, but who are you to the hero of the day?

Lover... From the first marriage...

The guests realized that the wedding was not for love when the groom released the dove with a note: "Help!"

Rabinovich! Hello, you were healthy! And you look good - and you are taller than you are, and you have lost weight, and the hair on your bald head has grown ... You simply cannot be recognized!

I am not Rabinovich!

So you changed your last name too?

Oh, Solomon Markovich! You are looking at me like that, as if trying on whether I will fit in your bed or not ...

Well, doctor, can you tell me something good?

I’ll tell you, Katz, it’s good ... Shaw is no longer of interest to organ hunters ...

Doctor, mine has the flu, what would you advise mine!?

A treat in Odessa: - Would you like tea without any jam ...?

Oh Monya! Why are you all silent?! They would tell something ... they would talk about the weather, about the stars ...

You know Tsilya! I'm so shy!... You would have given mine like that, yes, I would have gone...

Odessa. At the end of the tram, the woman jumped into the car, and her husband, who had drunk a lot, did not have time and stayed at the bus stop. The conductor saw and shouted to the driver: - "Syoma, why would you live like this! Stop the vehicle .., the lady forgot her hand luggage!"

Listen Rosochka.. Does your Benya smoke?

Yes, only after sex.

But what about health?

Oh, I beg you, two or three cigarettes a year?! What will happen to him?

Abram, is it true that you fought in a duel yesterday?

Because of a woman?

No, this is Moishe because of the woman, and I am because of the tree!

In Odessa, there is no inscription on cigarette packs: “Nicotine kills”; they say: “Mommy will know - she will kill.”

And who was taken to the ambulance yesterday?

Semu! He beat his wife...

Langeron. two in the sea.

Sarochka! How beautifully you swim! Though like a dog, but with dignity... Like a thoroughbred dog!

Faya, this young dandy sent me three funny letters!

And, you told him, Sarah, what did you answer?

I told him that I was there longer than he lives!

Odessa is famous not only for its magnificent seascapes and sunny beaches. No less, and somewhere even more fame was gained by the famous Odessa humor, about which there are legends.

In order to speak like Odessans, one must at least be born there, because it is simply impossible to learn this inimitable manner of joking.

Roza Moiseevna, how old are you?
- It's different every year!

Moishe, do you know how we work tomorrow?
- Reluctantly...

Hello, Tsilya, what are you doing?
- What can a decent married woman do at 10 pm?! I sit and eat...

There are so many beautiful girls in Odessa that you like it or not, but you want to.

Izya, how are we going home with you?
Sophie, what do you want?
- And what is the correct way to say: "Porsche" or "Porsche"?
- Dear, it’s right to say: “trollHeybus”.

Rosa Markovna, why do you have such crooked fingers on your feet?
- Because of my beliefs...
- What beliefs?
- I am convinced that I have a 35th foot size.

My husband is already 50 years old. We are 20 years apart.
- Oh, congratulations!
- With what?
- Well, for your 70 years, you look very good indeed!

An elderly couple comes to visit another of the same kind. While the grandmothers are busy in the kitchen, the grandfathers are chatting in the room.
We went to a new restaurant last week, we didn't like it.
- What kind of restaurant?
- Damn, it went out of my head. What is the name of this red flower that you give to the one you love?
- Tulip?
- Not.
- Dahlia?
- Also no.
- Rose?
- That's right, Rose.

(towards the kitchen):

Rosa, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

Sarochka, I decided that I will never swear with you again!
- No, look at him, he decided... Did you ask me?!

Do you have sleeping pills?
- There is.
- What is the price?
- 500 hryvnia.
- 500 hryvnia?! Yes, if I give 500 hryvnias for sleeping pills, then I won’t be able to fall asleep at all!

Knock on the door:
- Does Rabinovich live here?
Voice from behind the door:
- Is this life?

I have never seen such shamelessness! Can you see more?

I burned 800 calories last night.
- Oh, Rosa, I want too, dictate - I'll write it down!
- A sho write down? I put the chicken in the oven and forgot!

My Pesya is always whining: “Mina has nothing to wear, nothing to wear to mine!”
- Oh, Fima! I beg you! Give her a sack of potatoes and let her carry it!

A married couple is on a bus. A young girl in a short skirt comes out. The husband follows her with a long look.
Wife:
- Well, sho, Marik, and was it worth it, sho I'll arrange for you at home?

Izzy, are you sleeping?
- Nah...
- Did you close your eyes?
- I save my eyesight ...

Syoma, what is the most important thing in female beauty?
- Mouth!
What about shape, color, size?
- Not. The main thing is that it was closed.

Rabinovich at the reception in the clinic:
- Doctor! Look for another disease in me. This one is too expensive.

If you do not have hypertension, osteochondrosis, a car, an apartment, furniture and alimony ... then you are young and you still have everything ahead.

Listen, Chaim, have you ever had to hide the fact that you are a Jew?
What's the point, Yasha? Where do you think I could hide the natural intelligence in my eyes, the proud profile and impeccable manners?

From the Odessa tailor:
- Semyon Abramovich, God created the world in seven days, and you have been sewing trousers for a whole month!
- Young man, look at this world ... and these trousers!

Hello! Uncle Izya, is Sema here?
- Here! More like here!

Moishe, twice two - how much?
- Eight!
- Sure?
- Six!
- Think!
- Four!
Why didn't you say it right away?
- Dad ordered to speak more, so that there was something to give in.

Teacher:
- Tsilya Izrailevna, Semu needs to be washed. Sam smells bad!
Parent:
- Marya Nikitichna, Syoma should not be smelled. Sam needs to be taught!

Little Abramchik comes home and says:
- Today at school, when they asked me about my nationality, I said that I was Russian!
Dad answers:
- Well, now forget about your soft chair, you will sit on a stool!
Mother:
- Now you will not eat soup with chicken, but you will eat cabbage soup!
Grandmother:
- Now you will not get lamb cutlet for dinner, but you will eat pearl barley!
Sat down to eat. Abram, sitting on a stool, sipping cabbage soup and starting on barley, says:
- Just half an hour Russian, but how I hate you, Jews!

A Jew arrives in an unfamiliar place and wants to know where the brothel is. He does not dare to ask directly, so he stops a passerby and says:
- Tell me, where does your rabbi live here?
- On Cherry Street, house 33.
- Can't be?! The rabbi lives opposite the brothel?!
- What do you! Brothel at the very end of the street!
- Well, thank God! - says the Jew and goes to the specified address.

What do you allow yourself, Mr. Rabinovich? I'm not some sales girl!
- Am I talking about money?

Hello, is this Odessa?
- And what do you think?
- Hello, is this Rabinovich?
- And what?
- Do you know that your uncle died in New York?
- And everything to me?
- Do you know how much he owes?
- Listen, where are you calling?

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?
- The Rottweiler eventually lets go.

An old Jew with a Jewess are lying and in bed.
- Abram, did you cheat on me?
- Just one time.
- This one would be very useful to us now!

An old Jew dies and asks for a final cup of coffee with two pieces of sugar. They bring coffee. The Jew drinks it with great pleasure:
- At least before my death, I got what I dreamed of all my life!
- Abram, but couldn't you afford a cup of coffee?
- Could, but at home I drank coffee with one piece of sugar, and at a party - with three.

Businessman Rabinovich is standing on the railway platform and waiting for the train to go to Zhmerinka and turn a pretty business there. Suddenly he sees his rival Khaimovich.
- Well, - thinks Rabinovich, - now he will come up and ask: “Where are you going, Rabinovich?” And if I tell him that I'm going to Konotop, he will definitely understand that I'm going to Zhmerinka and ruin the whole thing for me!
Just then Khaimovich comes in and asks:
- And where are you going, Rabinovich?
Rabinovich says:
- So I'm going to Zhmerinka.
Khaimovich narrows his eyes cunningly and says:
- Listen, Rabinovich! You say you are going to Zhmerinka so that I might think that you are going to Konotop. But, I know for sure that you are going to Zhmerinka! So why are you lying to me?!