Maxim Klim - Jokes about husband and wife. New jokes about husbands and wives, funny to tears. Short jokes about husband and wife Jokes about husbands and wives

joke no. 3194

The wife is going to the resort. Her husband accompanies her
- I gave the passport, gave breakfast, gave things ...
The train started moving. The husband remembers: I forgot to say not to walk.
- Oh, dear, you are not walking there!
- What are you shouting? - the wife answers.
- Do not walk there, dear!
- I don’t hear what? ... The husband bumps his forehead on a pole:
- Yes, fuck you in the board - the husband howls.
- All right, dear, everything will be as you said.

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joke no. 3195

Well, honey - now that we are married, tell me honestly, how many men have you had?
- Do you promise not to swear?
- Promise!
- All right, seven.
- What do you mean, I'm the seventh?
- Don't... You're the fourth.

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joke no. 3196

Man. Boxing fan. Today is the battle for the title of world champion. For an hour - time off from work. On the way, he runs into a store. Buys shrimp and beer. 40 minutes before the match - he is at home. He throws shrimp into the water, beer into the freezer. There are 5 minutes left before the match. Takes out beer, takes out shrimp. One minute before the match. A man is sitting in front of the TV, in his left hand is a peeled shrimp, in his right hand is an open bottle. And... Gong! First round, first punch... Knockout. The man sits, he can't say anything. Only clapping his eyes, but waving his hands in the air. He turns to the door to the room, and there his wife stands with her arms folded on her chest, and asks him:
- Well?! Now you understand me?

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joke no. 3197

Dear, what happens if I get pregnant?
- Well, everything is simple, I see two options!
- What kind!?
- Either a boy or a girl!

51 168

joke no. 3198

A man comes to the store and says:
- I, please, two kilograms of cotton wool ...
Salesman:
- Why do you need so many?
- Yes, you understand - we went camping last year, and I asked my wife to buy cigarettes ... And she took and bought loose tobacco. So I got tired of twisting cigarettes ...
Seller, confused
- So what?
- Like what - we are going on a hike again, and my wife told me to buy tampaks for her ...

47 142

joke no. 3199

Honey, do you have anything to chew on?
- No, just suck!

72 213

joke no. 3200

Hello, dear, what do you like more: bananas or peaches?
- Are you at the market?
- No, at the pharmacy.

65 167

joke no. 3201

Wife to husband:
- Tonight on Ren-TV porn will be shown, USA-Italy.
Husband got excited:
- Semi-final or what?!

58 114

joke no. 3202

An American is dying. The wife wants to talk to him. Arranges a seance, causes the spirit of her husband.
- John?
- Yes, Mary.
- John, how are you, what are you doing?
- In the morning we eat, fuck, sleep, in the afternoon we eat, fuck, sleep, in the evening we eat, fuck, sleep. Yes, every day.
- John, where are you? In Paradise?
- I'm a rabbit in Kentucky.

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Understood, - the wife answers.
- Well? What do you say?
- I understood everything.
- Any objections?
- Not.
- Or maybe you also have some habits?
- Yes, alone. I have sex every night at 9 o'clock. There is a husband at home, no husband at home - all the same, I have SEX.

Funny jokes about husband and wife are short

Most people love the funniest husband and wife jokes that give laughter and joy. And all because jokes are funny short stories, with a very witty and unforeseen ending.

1. If you don't want to share your husband, just don't cut him.

2. - Dear, the newspaper says that widows make good wives ...
“So I have to hang myself to make you a good wife?”

3. Yesterday a thief got into our apartment.
- Did you take something?
- Yes, what is there! Lies in the hospital. My wife thought it was me who returned so late.

4. Before getting married, I had no idea that it was possible to put milk in the refrigerator incorrectly.

5. - Daughter-in-law, did you at least feed the cattle?
— No, Mom, your son is sleeping.

6. The wife launches the drunk spouse.
He enters the corridor, carefully closes the door,
looks at his wife and, after thinking, says:
- I'm on the sixth.

funny jokes about husband and wife

7. Honey, what a beautiful new blouse you have!
She playfully:
- I don't have anything underneath.
He, without looking up from the TV:
Don't worry, they will grow!

8. The beekeeper was bitten by bees. In the evening, the beekeeper's wife asks:
- Wan, will we be here today or not?
- If you fit, then we will.

9. She was such a faithful wife that she didn't even give to her husband.

10. After the phrase of his wife: “So I want fried salty strawberries,” the father of seven children lost consciousness.

11. The wife asks:
- How is it in London?
- I could in London.
- Eh! You better be at home.

12. - Hello! Expensive! I want to get back to you and the kids! - So what? - Please open the balcony door,
It is very cold in here!

Funny to tears jokes about spouses

13. Wife (joyfully):
- Husband came!
Husband (frightened):
- Crap! . . You at least sometimes think what you say! I almost jumped out the window!

14. - How can I find out what my girlfriend really thinks of me? the son asks his father.
- Marry her.

15. Husband:
- Where are my screws?
Wife:
- If you're talking about curly nails, then in the locker.

16. Husband to wife:
Why are you forbidding me to drink? I'm a grown man!
“Because you don’t know how to drink!”
So I am learning all the time!

17. A man comes to the hospital, the doctor:
- Jump with happiness, you have a quadruple born.
- I would jump, but there will be no sense, low, first floor.

- I have a wife - that is necessary.
- So cool?
- No, you should call her by name, she answers - what do you need?

Honey, when we get married, I will share with you all the anxieties and worries.
- But, dear, I have no worries and worries.
- I said: "When we get married ..."

I heard your wife is a director?
- Yes.
- And where and what is she currently working on, if it's not a secret?
- She works from home directing family scenes..,

The man picks up the phone
- Is that you dear?
“No, it’s me,” the wife replies.

Pregnant wife - husband:

A boy will be born, let's call him Alexander. Alexander Alexandrovich Orlov. Sounds nice!
Husband:
- I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!
Wife:
- Ouch! Andryusha, it's not what you thought...

Did you know that if a penguin finds a mate, he stays with her for the rest of his life?
- Yes.
- Will you be my penguin?

- Tell me, John, why do all the girls want to become the wives of rich men?
“Actually, they want to be their widows, sir.

- Fima, I decided to enjoy sex ...
- Like this?
- It's very simple: I decided to take money from you.

How did it happen?
- Doctor, my wife left me!
- Well, my friend, you should not jump from the third floor because of this.
- Doctor, you misunderstood me! She just left, and did not leave me ...

Only our woman, who spent the whole day on the social network, will clean the apartment, wash the dishes, cook a delicious dinner, put herself in order and say:
- Honey, I'm so tired ... I'll surf the Internet?

- I do not know what to do! My husband left for America three years ago and is now writing to me to come to him with our two children.
- So what? What is the problem?
So now I have three of them!

Since we met, - the gentleman says to his lady, - I can’t eat, drink, or smoke ...
- God, is your feeling so strong ?! exclaims the flattered beauty.
- No, it's just that there is no money left at all ...

And who are we now? she asked, bowing her head and wrapping her arms around her knees. - Friends or lovers?
He stood at the window and was silent ...
- Who would you like to be? she asked again.
He looked out the window at the starry sky and dreamily answered:
- Astronaut.

Did your man tell you "I love you" before sex or after?
- For.

Girls, when they are abandoned by boys, often think: “Here I will become famous, he will see me one day on TV, remember, and will cry bitterly that he missed such happiness.”
If this suddenly happens, the boy turns from the telly to a friend sitting next to the beer and says: “See that heifer? I tra@@l her.

— Hello! Is it Autoradio?
- Yes!
- My husband Anatoly and I have an anniversary today, and he gave me a bouquet of roses and ten thousand for a new dress. He is on a flight now, play him a song about Tolka.
Sorry, we don't know this.
- Well, huh? And this one, Sofia Rotaru sings: “Only Only Only Only - this is not enough ...”

“Honey, I hope you always agree with me on everything.
- Yes honey.
— No, really?
- Yes honey.
- You're lying, I suppose?
- Yes honey.

The wife calls herself home. Husband picks up the phone
— Hello!
“Kolya, didn’t any fool call us today?”
No, you're first, dear.

At night, a woman should give birth. In a dream, an angel appears to her and says:
- I will make sure that during childbirth, the father of the child feels half the pain.
She gave birth and asks her husband:
- How did you sleep?
- Badly. Neighbor screamed all night as if giving birth.

A man and his wife stop a taxi.
Man:
- Tell me, how much does it cost to drive to the market?
Taxi driver:
- One hundred rubles.
Man:
What if you are with your wife?
Taxi driver:
- One hundred rubles.
The man turns to his wife:
“I told you, fool, that you are worth NOTHING!”

Wife to husband:
I have two news for you: good and bad.
- Well, what are they?
- I'm leaving you...
- So, so ... And the bad one?

The husband is returning from a business trip.
The wife is sitting and reading a book.
Are you having an affair again?
Roma, come out! He knows everything!

Husband finds his better half in bed with his lover?
Looking straight at her husband, she asks:
“Will you believe your eyes or what I tell you?”

Family relationships are a delicate thing. In addition to positive moments, negative ones can also slip through, such as: quarrels, betrayals, screams, etc. It's all very sad when such cases take place in life. But ... It is thanks to such situations that, basically, jokes are formed that can be read on the Hero of Runet portal. In the life of every married couple, funny cases arose, funny situations or, on the contrary, sad ones, I remember which I want to retell them, but already in the form of an anecdote or a short joke! Today we are posting funny short jokes about husband and wife for you. Natural everyday troubles, which are retold in a humorous form, between a man and a woman are a classic!

Short anecdotes and jokes

The wife says to her husband: - I need attention and care. Husband: Good. Attention... I'm leaving.

If you got married and you don't have a fancy car, diamonds, or a mink coat... Congratulations! You married for love!

The husband consults with his wife: - Dear, let's give your mother as much money as she is old. - Wow, 50 thousand, or what, we will give? - And what, she just turned 50 thousand years old?

- Andryukha, and how did your next new quarrel with your wife end? - How is it - what? She crawled up to me on her knees! - What are you ... And what did she say? - Crawl out from under the bed, you bastard, I've calmed down already!

Read also: Fresh joke of the day

- Darling, what did you think when I came drunk and with a black eye? - When you came - there was no black eye yet!

- Estimate, I gave my husband a back scratcher. And what, he didn't like it? - Worse! This goat said that now he doesn’t need me for anything at all.

Husband: - Dear, do you know that our Christmas tree is 5 centimeters higher than that of a neighbor? Wife: - But it costs longer!

In court: - Tell me, why do you want to divorce your husband? We have different religious views. - And if you are more specific? "He doesn't want to recognize me as a goddess!"

Husband and wife is a classic that can be talked about for a long time. Pozitiv365 today created the best collection of funny jokes and jokes about wife and husband. We spent a lot of time to separate the not interesting jokes from the cool ones and today we present only the best for your judgment. We will be glad if you leave comments. These jokes are convenient and easy to remember because they are cool and short. When a lot of people gather at some holiday or picnic, you can make everyone laugh and do not forget that such jokes are most liked by women, so you will be the star in the spotlight.

Do you know that…
…according to the latest research by American scientists, the average speed of moving an average wife around the store is $200 per hour.

Husband asks:
- Honey, how strong can I make your coffee?
- As much as your love for me is strong!
- That is, do not add water at all? So will you chew?

The husband is standing in the kitchen, making dumplings. Here the wife, drunk in the trash, tumbles in:
- Oh, will we have pellets? Husband:
- Damn drunkard, got drunk again! Better go to the neighbors for salt, the salt is over in the house. Well, my wife went out into the yard, looked around, far to the gate, give me, I think, I will climb over the fence. She started to climb, caught her foot, and fell back to the ground. Being completely sure that he is in the neighboring area, he rises, dusts himself off, knocks on the door, enters:
- Oh, and you have pelemes?! Husband:
- Are you fucked up?
- What did you see through the window?

Usually the bride is stolen at weddings, but my mother-in-law was stolen from me. There were no more expensive gifts ...

Nataha... Half of your friends walk around with bellies. Maybe it's time for us?
- Get the pork to thaw. And while I'm chasing eclairs ...

Dad, how did I turn out?
- Son, my mother and I are in cabbage ...
- Dad, I was born in February. Well, what is cabbage in February?
- Do not interrupt the elders. I was a driver then, and your mother was a receptionist at a vegetable warehouse. That's behind the boxes of cabbage and you turned out.

At first, my wife gave me a tantrum because I called the tomato salad a vegetable, because a tomato is a berry.
After some time, she asked me to drop by from work to the store and buy her something with berries.
Naturally, I bought her some tomato paste.

Yesterday, the child said the correct phrase: “Dad, of course, is the master of the house, but mom is dad’s master!”

One friend says to another:
- Today my husband and I celebrate the day of reconciliation and harmony.
-What is it like?
- Let's go to the store - I try on, he agrees.

After the wife's phrase: "So you want fried salted strawberries," the father of seven children lost consciousness.

A wife and husband are walking late down the street. Husband wanted to pee. He stopped, looking up at the sky. Looking at the young month, the husband takes out the money and, showing the month, says: “As you grow, so let the money grow.” The wife, seeing this, says to her husband: “Don’t you want to show anything else for a month?”