Quite often we express our critical opinion about other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these remarks is said "behind the back", but the rest has to be faced face to face. The boundaries of criticism range from light "tingling" (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-orders. Are there people who like criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others do not.

Criticism: good and different

Let's start with the fact that criticism is different - constructive and non-constructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not of two, but of four types:

• constructive both in form and content;
• constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
• constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
• unconstructive both in form and content.

Example: the wife-housewife did not have time to prepare dinner for the arrival of her husband and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, besides, he warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How can his criticism sound?

"I'm upset that you didn't cook dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I'm very hungry. I ask you to better time next time." This criticism is constructive both in form and in content. The wife is likely to react calmly and consider criticism for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.

"I think you need to rethink your ability to plan your day. Until you can handle it." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an incorrect generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was well planned: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, put things in order at home, pick up the child from school and take him to extra classes, bring him home, feed him. She'd had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner wasn't the result of bad planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself undeservedly offended. However, if the husband is used to criticizing in a constructive way, then perhaps the wife is also used to responding constructively. It is possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.

"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why do I have to wait when I come home hungry after a day's work?!" This criticism is generally correct in content but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will justify herself, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him in half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because. there is a rational grain in criticism, but her mood will be spoiled. Despite the fact that the husband was right in the essence of the message, she will feel hurt. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. With the frequent repetition of such a situation, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.

"Clumsy! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and in form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn the act of his wife, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and besides, in a rude way. Secondly, such "criticism" is not useful, it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person's actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst kind of criticism, literally "corroding", like rust, any relationship.

Thus, completely constructive criticism "works" best of all, i.e. true in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, as it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes. And precisely because she speaks correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is she who has the most chances to be heard and accepted.

The remaining varieties of criticism evoke mostly negative emotions, leading to defensive reactions, either self-justification, or repelling "attacks," or silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relations or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game”, when the criticized is so strongly dependent on the critic that he cannot break off relations and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is the path of dissatisfaction, leading to emotional outbursts.

Who criticizes us and why?

As we found out, criticism is often non-constructive, and therefore we are used to internally defending ourselves from it. What are the main motives of the critics?

They want to assert themselves by lowering us. There are people who tend to criticize anything and everything. Any action of others (whether it be a relative, girlfriend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate from the point of view of why it is erroneous. And often immediately give out this information to the addressee. These people seem to be confident know-it-alls, but in fact they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else's "mistake", and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is not constructive: often they immediately say that "something" is bad, but they cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - raising self-esteem. Therefore, such people are almost impossible to please, no matter how much you act according to their advice.

We are envious. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, disguisedly criticizing what he envy: "This dress suits you very much, it is beautiful hides the flaws of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind the mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, let her have something that I don’t have, but I told her that!

They want to spoil the mood, because dislike. If relations with someone do not add up, if there is a constant background of discontent, then there is ground for constant pricks of criticism. This can happen between the daughter-in-law and, colleagues, "sworn" friends. A person who feels dislike for another will look for the smallest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled ("What delicious pancakes! It's okay that you spent half a bottle of oil"), sometimes direct ("What kind of hostess are you, even if you don't know how to wash the dishes!"). This criticism shows a general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.

They try to vent their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has trouble at work, then, most likely, his relatives will serve as a "lightning rod". Arriving home in a bad mood, he finds a couple of criticisms for others: a child watching a cartoon (“You don’t do anything useful, lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) And other family members. This "criticism", unfortunately, is a well-established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can safely ask: "Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think it over together." Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, just distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.

They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in the store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“You don’t suit the color, style, figure is not for this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy for a higher position was opened in the department and began to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this position.

And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, friends, colleagues tell us something impartial, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Inwardly, we ourselves experienced pangs of conscience, and the words of others in this case show us that other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for some time our experiences intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but the inner voice tells us: "You understand that you were wrong. Do not try to deceive yourself." If others keep silent, fearing to offend, a person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also reinforce the erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” in it, since the environment was silent. Constructive criticism does not need to be defended, it needs to be recognized and processed, and if the spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.

All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or “ride” at our expense. In every situation where criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look "for" it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you respond appropriately.

You are criticized: how to react?

The tactics we use when we hear criticism can be very different. Moreover, for the same person, it varies, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relations with others. How else, if criticism is a significant part of communication?

There are five main types of reaction to criticism.

"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, nurtured from childhood. This is the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you make a guilty look and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy, having matured - they begin to make excuses. They want to "enter into their position", "show understanding", in the end, take pity on them. They speak in such a pleading and hesitant tone that their words can not be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees "sincere" repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new excuses, but already in a dialogue with himself. It takes away strength and energy that could have been spent on useful activities. A person's mood decreases, and he feels insecure, unable to defend his position.

"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in response. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: "He's like that!" The response is often harsh, sometimes offensive. There can be no talk of any constructive dialogue, because the defender turns on a powerful defense mechanism through an attack. If a person uses this method often, then the glory of an unbalanced and not too smart one, unable to accept a word of criticism, is assigned to him. A social "vacuum" can form around him, because. any communication is impossible without a share of criticism. Those around him will be afraid to say anything "sharp" to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations) will no longer reach his ears.

"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also "grows" from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person may deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where the opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the copier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: "it's not me who removed your disks, probably you removed it yourself and forgot!" An interesting situation develops when the critic brings evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes bewilderment of others, and the label of "eccentrics" is attached to the deniers.

How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other "-power") people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to apply alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but "put" in place. The main tactics are:

• You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (albeit in a separate part), then admit it out loud, if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. Further discussion try to lead in a constructive way. If the conversation takes the form of a fight, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
• Be silent trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment that devalues ​​criticism. A silent pause at first will be your assistant: during it, you can pacify emotions and consider criticism.
• Answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
• Move the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
• Postponing the conversation for later to take the necessary "time out" for reflection. Sometimes you can say directly: "I need time to think about what you said, and we will return to this conversation later," and sometimes you can simply refer to "urgent" matters to get time.

"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, is silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to an accumulation of misunderstanding, because issues remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves, not releasing it back. This can lead to chronic diseases ( hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, vegetovascular dystonia). Silence, along with inner feelings, is one of the worst ways to react to criticism, literally "corroding" a person from the inside.

"Analysis". This is the most correct way to respond to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative response emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond to it correctly. Such a reaction helps a person to take the "rational grain" out of criticism and promotes personal growth.

If a calm analysis of criticism is the best way, then does this mean that all others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just have to stop being habitual and apply in appropriate situations.

Learning to respond to criticism correctly

The first ingredient in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, insecure, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:

• Try to deal with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to respond correctly. A good helper is the "dissociation" method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in the theater, and action is taking place on the stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
• Don't show emotion. Even if you failed to cope with emotions (and this happens when the negative is too strong, and even the blow fell on a sore spot), do not show it. If a person strove for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him that pleasure.
• Speak confidently. How controlled you are shows the tone of your voice. "Correct" phrases, uttered in a quiet, doubtful tone, will be regarded as an attempt to justify themselves. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.

The second component of the response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you manage your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him in response on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. The moment of rational analysis never arrives. And we need to learn how to turn our head on almost immediately.

First of all, you must determine how constructive criticism is, both in form and content. Because first of all, our emotions react to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you coped with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in criticism.

After evaluating criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to pondering the goals of the opponent, standing "behind" criticism. To clarify the motives, you can ask a direct question: "What do you want to achieve by telling me this?". Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, he, by criticizing you, is striving for his own goals, and sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where the criticism "legs grow from."

Assessing the constructiveness of criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important for you in this situation: to feel like a winner at all costs, or to maintain a relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important for us that we must definitely discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.

So, now you are ready to correctly evaluate the criticism directed at you and adequately respond. It may take a long time at first, and you will take a "silent pause", move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” in such a way that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructive criticism and goals of your opponent in half a minute.

Julia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the journal "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007

We deal with opinions of others every day. But criticism from strangers and from a loved one are radically different things.

What does male criticism say? What to do with it? And is it necessary?

There is 7 important points, which you need to pay attention to if you get under fire. Let's figure out what male criticism is hiding and how to respond to it.

You are a victim for life

One of the most common reasons for male criticism is your position as a victim. Are you acting out a parental scenario or choosing to be a victim yourself. It's so convenient.

You relieve yourself of all responsibility, you do not need to change anything. But the position of the victim attracts tyrants, men who are powerful and despotic.

It is very convenient to be a victim when you do not develop and cannot keep your men. So hard to be, huh?

Constant criticism from a man is the first sign that you are playing the role of a victim.

Another thing - if you "like". One of the options for self-flagellation. A man criticizes you, you get a kind of punishment for guilt in the past. And internally you put a tick next to the item "Atone for guilt" / "Punish yourself."

What to do in this case? Change yourself! Get out of the role of the victim. The sooner, the better.

This is just the case in which you can’t just leave a man or try to influence him. First of all, work for yourself.

A potentially normal man will change with your condition. You will notice it yourself. If you fell into the clutches - decide for yourself to leave or stay.

Constructive…

For example, your man in his hearts told you that the new gold mini with sequins and ruffles does not suit you, and offered to buy a new one.

You pouted, got upset and threw a tantrum. And he wanted the best. And the wording, you see, was correct?

Correct your way of thinking, otherwise your relationship will soon come to a justified ending.

What distinguishes constructive criticism from inadequate? There is no evaluative and accusatory judgment, claim. She offers options for solving the problem, rather than looking for someone to blame.

It makes no sense to be offended by such criticism. It won't do you anything but good.

Learn to see the difference. This will help you in life.

... or destructive?

The reasons for such criticism can be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could hurt him or insult him with something. And he was hurt and he can not forgive. Even if he tries hard.

It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:

• on trifles;
• for no real reason;
• he is constantly dissatisfied, with everything;
• shifts focus from one problem to another;
• criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.

And there is no point in asking the questions “What is wrong with me?”. The whole point of being critical is to hurt your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.

If that doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling himself.

Incoming forwarding

Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.

Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.

A man also needs to express emotions, let off steam. And you seem to be always there and you can understand.

Therefore, a storm often falls on you, and aggression does not reach the culprit.

So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and claims are absolutely unfair, gently ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.

When you talk about your feelings and sensations, you open your heart to him.

This man cannot resist. You are literally in yourself!

For example, like this: “Honey, I have a feeling that you are actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."

This is how you can so that he really understands it.

Speaking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.

The nuances of education

A very significant reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and claims with or without cause, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. He dropped a cup - a muddler, he came with a deuce - a fool, the girl refused - "not a man."

Most often, in such families, any achievements, positive qualities and deeds are not praised. They are simply not noticed, taken for granted or reduced to “luck”.

All this becomes fuel for everyday nit-picking. There are two news: bad and good.

I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man at the snap of a finger. There is only a chance if he himself is aware of the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: it’s extremely difficult to change men in general, and I strongly don’t recommend doing this.

So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like that he criticizes you, “hooks”, finds fault - end this relationship.

No offense. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't know how.

Good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change as a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.

self-affirmation

People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. So they increase their own importance at the expense of others.

And if earlier your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” is a matter of self-esteem.

It could have happened for a lot of different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, a nasty conversation with his boss this week, or just the cockroaches running rampant in his head.

Drawing energy from someone else's pride is many times easier than returning your own to normal.

How to behave in such a case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank, feed his masculinity and admire.

And you don't have to do it just once. But constantly and gracefully, in a feminine way, with emotion and motivation.

And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.

A bouquet of flowers, a compliment, a gift… Use them as a reason to say thank you. Thank the man in detail and with delight.

If you yourself do not know how to do this and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.

false mirror

Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? You don't like dishonest people? Stingy men?

I'll tell you a secret - in others we are annoyed by what we most dislike in ourselves. What we hide in the very depths.

So your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself sins with a dozen extra pounds.

Or he compares you with others in the style of "here is Tolik's wife ...", but does not remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.

To deal with this problem, you definitely should not scream and throw tantrums. To begin with, think about whether you are giving him the opportunity to manifest himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?

If the second, gently, confidently and calmly explain to him that criticism in this form is not acceptable. Choose your words carefully.

Talk about your boundaries or you also need to be able to.

Don't shut up

The main thing you need to remember is that any unrealized emotion turns into a disease. You must have heard of psychosomatics. Moreover, hushing up your grievances is a sure way to destroy relationships.

You yourself know how exhausting the constant nervous tension, misunderstanding, innuendo and other negative things are.

A self-sufficient woman always distinguishes constructive criticism, turns it in her favor. And builds on this communication with her man.

Harmonious relationships are the work and development of both in a pair. This is the case when they give 100 in total. And your efforts in this exactly half. Do not forget.

On what occasion have you ever been criticized by men and did it hook your ego? Tell me in the comments.

With faith in you
Yaroslav Samoilov.

What habits can cause a breakup and how to learn to deal with them

Relationships are built on mutual respect, love, common interests and goals. However, in addition to all of the above, it is important to remember that even minor little things that repeat every day can later cause a break in relations. Let's look at the main habits that can lead to a breakup.

1. Unwillingness to change anything

Any relationship becomes boring over time, so it is important to constantly add variety to everyday life. Habitual same-type evenings can quickly get bored once loving friend friend to people.

2. Constant criticism

Learn to put up with the character traits of your other half. Constant criticism kills all love and brings relationships to naught.

3. Coldness in relationships

The candy-bouquet period quickly passes, and with it words of love, hugs and kisses often pass. So that feelings do not weaken, get rid of the habit of living with your loved one, like neighbors. Hug and kiss regularly, it brings you closer.

4. Focus on yourself

The habit of living only with your problems will very quickly lead the couple to separation. If two people decide to unite their hearts, then they should continue to share both joys and problems for two.

5. Lack of listening skills

In order for warmth and love to be preserved in a couple for many years, it is important to learn to listen and hear your partner. We are accustomed to consider our opinion to be truly true, but in reality it is not so. Respect the opinion of a loved one, this will allow you to protect your relationship from breaking up.

6. Comparison

If you chose this particular person, then you should not compare him with others. Everyone has their flaws, which means that there will always be someone better.

7. Resentment

The habit of being offended with or without can bore your soul mate very quickly. Learn to express yourself correctly and discuss painful moments, then there will be no place for resentment in your relationship.

8. Reluctance to change

Of course, everyone has their own character and their own habits, but this does not mean at all that the partner must constantly put up with your minuses. Work on yourself, learn to adapt to your loved one when necessary, then your shortcomings will not succumb to criticism.

9. Separate leisure

The habit of spending free time apart quickly alienates partners from each other. Try to combine your leisure time. Pleasant memories of spending time together will unite you even more.

10. Bad habits

Perhaps one of the most common causes of divorce is addiction (to alcohol or computer games). An addicted person easily succumbs to weaknesses and cannot always get rid of them.

Fight your habits, take care of your loved ones, and then your relationship will last until old age.

our mailing list Site content once a week

Related materials

Latest site content

A serious-minded man who dreams of a friendly family and children, isn't this the dream of every representative of the weaker sex?

Critic at the zoo: looked at the giraffe, said: "As usual, too stretched and not typical."

Often we can observe how people criticize or, on the contrary, become the object of criticism themselves. So where does the need to criticize come from? Is there any use in criticism? What is positive criticism? What is the impact of criticism on the psyche?

There are several ways to express criticism: verbally, in writing, and finally through actions. Criticism is defined as the identification and demonstration of various shortcomings, positive and negative aspects of a person or object. From a moral point of view, criticism can be positive or negative. Given these factors, the impact of criticism will also be different.

What makes a person criticize?

Criticism can be useful and contribute to the development and improvement of both personal and social life, in the case when mistakes are pointed out with good intentions. Such criticism can be classified as positive, it aims to correct mistakes.

People who prefer negative criticism, after a while acquire the habit of seeing everything only negative qualities. Negative criticism can be based on personal interests, emotions, envy and rivalry. In such cases, there is no good intention and desire to correct the error or solve the problem. Both sides get only harm from such criticism. A sincere desire to help, an unbiased assessment and the absence of personal considerations often relieve destructive criticism, but one should feel subtly when criticism is appropriate and in what form it should be submitted.

In today's world, we can see how many respected individuals are subjected to damaging criticism on television, in print and on radio. In the course of various discussions, one can hear a lot of critical remarks about the opponent, pursuing one single goal - to inflict moral and material harm. Such tactics cause irreparable damage to public life and must be eradicated.

In the manner of Western society, we develop individualism with excessive selfishness. In such a society, people try to humiliate others in order not to be humiliated themselves. By subjecting others to destructive criticism, people try to protect their interests in order to succeed. As a result, complacency and selfishness flourishes, increasing negative criticism.

Destructive criticism is characterized by a lack of empathy and sympathy for the opponent. A person who has the ability to understand and sympathize in lesser degree exposed to destructive criticism.

People who tend to notice negative qualities and are pessimists are more inclined to look for flaws in everyone and everything. The tendency to criticize also increases in people who feel unhappy and unsatisfied, while they themselves may not notice their condition. These people need help from others.

For example, during the game, a child with a pessimistic attitude may perceive any statement of his comrades addressed to him as an attempt to offend him. To protect himself, he will criticize them and decide that he is not loved. People close to him should show attention and care in this case.

It has been noticed that people who try too hard to achieve perfection in everything are also inclined to evaluate everyone. Wishing to eliminate all mistakes, they bring them to the judgment of others and thereby aggravate the stressful state of the object of their criticism. For example, parents striving for excellence may require their child to study only for A's. With a high degree of probability, the child will not be able to justify such expectations, which can cause him stress and prevent him from revealing his best qualities.

On a subconscious level, the critic believes: “My knowledge and skills are much better!”. Based on this thought, he looks for flaws in people or events. Finding flaws, such a person, as it were, proves that he knows and can do much more than his opponent. Such criticism gradually leads to the growth of narcissism and selfishness, and acquires a destructive force.

It happens that they resort to criticism to hide their mistakes. Similar situations can often be found in organizations. The critic thinks that if he finds flaws in the work of others, he will strengthen his authority while at the same time hiding his mistakes. If such tactics are used in a family, it can lead to quarrels between its members. A person who evaluates everyone and everything from a negative point of view often experiences doubts and is stressed. Spreading negative energy on others, such a person eventually finds himself in isolation.

How does the criticized feel?

Before giving an assessment, it should be understood that all spoken words will be reflected from the criticized and this reflection can be both positive and negative. Think about the impact that criticism will have on a person and his actions in the future, what benefits and for whom your criticism brings. Keep in mind that if you fail to formulate an estimate with positive attitude, criticism can harm the opponent.

Basically, criticism puts the criticized into a state of stress, and this can subsequently lead to a deterioration in relations between people. It is noted that a person who subjects everything to destructive criticism feels lonely even in the family. Surrounding shun such people as they always receive negative assessments.

Along with criticism, the interlocutor sometimes has a feeling of rejection. A person who constantly listens to criticism in his address feels like a loser and his self-esteem becomes low. In such conditions, his anxiety grows and, being in a state of constant stress, he makes more and more mistakes. In turn, a person who often makes mistakes receives more negative criticism.

Criticism can lead a person to a loss of activity and courage, or to an increase in irritation. A person receiving negative assessments every day becomes timid, but if the criticized one shows anger, further dialogue with him becomes impossible.

Despite the presence of worthy qualities, for unknown reasons, attention is focused only on his mistakes and mistakes. When constantly ignored strengths criticized, their number decreases over time, because if the gardener begins to pay attention only to weeds, then the garden will soon run wild. A person constantly criticized feels unhappy and can withdraw into himself.

What is positive criticism?

When appreciating a person or any object, special attention should be paid to the tone with which we do it. Whether or not an opponent will benefit from our criticism depends to a large extent on the critic's intentions, which are easy to understand through the words used and the style of presentation of the assessment.

Avoid harsh expressions that can provoke the interlocutor, try to point out mistakes as softly as possible and your criticism will be positive and constructive. In this way, we can position the opponent so that he will get the maximum benefit from our opinion. Otherwise, we run the risk of pushing the criticized away from us and he will simply become immune to our arguments.

If, when criticizing, we proceed from the fact that the object is not good enough and has flaws, we will get subjective criticism. If our criticism is based on generally accepted standards and criteria, we can achieve objective criticism. For example, if you build a speech using the phrases “I believe”, “it seems to me”, “my opinion”, then it is highly likely that the criticized will remain deaf to our comments. In order to be heard, we should build our speech using the words “recent research has shown”, “opinion of leading experts in this field”, etc. In other words, try to substantiate your comments and standards in your speech using objective sources.

Criticism will be positive if colleagues share their experience and knowledge with us, or our leader expresses his opinion on some issue, since the criticized person in this case is able to derive some benefit by achieving better results. Many people, listening to such criticism, are freed from their shortcomings and become better. In education and upbringing, such criticism is sometimes even necessary.

Despite the fact that our criticism is aimed at correcting shortcomings, we can get the opposite effect. Instead of correcting, errors can, on the contrary, take root even deeper. Try to avoid saying who is right, instead focus on how the person should be. It would be wrong if you constantly repeat to the opponent about his shortcomings, this can lead to addiction and rooting of these shortcomings. Change tactics and remember the strengths of the person, and only mention the shortcomings in passing.

It is especially important to talk about positive qualities in communicating with children. If you entrusted the child with the performance of any task, and he made a mistake, then you should first point out the positive qualities shown and only after that talk about the mistakes. With this approach, we will be able to maintain a warm relationship and maintain his self-confidence.

Criticism of your co-workers should be avoided, as you risk getting criticism in return. In addition, you can cause the spread of slander and unfriendly relations in the team. As a result, an atmosphere may develop where everyone will begin to notice only each other's mistakes. In such a team, relationships and mutual understanding will be violated, and the lack of mutual assistance and support will make work difficult.

It is necessary to understand the following: “If you criticize everything and object to everything, then you are working for destruction. Instead, if you don't like something, you should think about how to make it better. As a result of destructive criticism, we can only get ruins. Creation is necessary to build a city.”

What is the use of criticism?

Constructive criticism is useful, while destructive criticism can only bring harm. Positive criticism contributes to the elimination of mistakes and avoids their repetition. If criticism takes a creative form, then it plays the role of a mirror in which we can observe ourselves and our mistakes, so as not to repeat them later. Constructive criticism is sometimes necessary in a team, destructive criticism, on the contrary, can become a source of big problems.

Most people don't like it when they point out their mistakes. But if you look at it from the side of personal growth, then the acceptance of constructive criticism is necessary. Naturally, an appropriate manner of presentation should be used in this case. In the field of education and upbringing, constructive criticism contributes to the development of science and the formation of personality.

In order to achieve success in life, you need to maintain a positive outlook on the environment. We need to become partners both for our leaders and for our subordinates. This attitude will help you succeed and gain the respect and love of others.

Summarizing

If the critic is not demanding enough of himself, this can become a serious obstacle to his growth and prevent him from correcting his own mistakes.

A person who has a habit of criticizing must take into account the fact that he can become the object of gossip and slander on the part of the team.

People who see beauty think positively and enjoy life itself. When we are able to see the positive side and think positively, we will not offend anyone and our actions will be constructive.

It has long been known that it is easier to break than to build, but despite this, the destructive style of criticism has found its place in society. It is not easy to act positively in a society where there are people who favor negative criticism, which undoubtedly gives the opponent some advantage. If you decide to resort to criticism, carefully consider whether the game is worth the candle.

I invite everyone who wants to discuss issues on exciting topics with friends and like-minded people to. FREE ADMISSION!

“My husband perceives every day as a war with life,” Irina admits bitterly. - This is not the person I once met - who knows how to enjoy the little things, who realizes the value of our relationship. It so happened that he lost his job, his mother fell ill, and he did not find the strength to resist these blows. As a result, his mother got better and a job was found, but all my attempts to return his optimistic outlook to him, to come up with and do something that will please him, he perceives as an insult.

“If a loved one begins to live in a “castle of negativism”, we have to spend energy not only to defuse a difficult situation, but also to maintain our clearer view of the world, in which joys and sorrows are so finely intertwined, says psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, bestselling author of Why Can't You Read My Mind? ("Why can't you read my mind?" Da Capo Press, 2003). “In this case, we often face only our own emotional devastation.”

Jungian analyst Lev Khegai links such negativism to the first signal of loss of attraction to a partner, which may also be a sign of depression. However, he believes that depression is more likely not dangerous here.

Cheating is more terrible because it undermines the sexual desire of partners

“In some cases, it even stabilizes the relationship if the partner wants to help and save the depressed,” says the analyst. - The problem starts when depression is accompanied by a loss of attraction. A partner's negativism can be tolerated as a character trait or as a temporary deviation caused by depression, as long as the sexual basis of the relationship is not destroyed. After all, sexuality is like the cornerstone on which the whole building rests. For example, cheating is more terrible because it undermines the sexual desire of partners.

2. Distance

She has ceased to be gentle, no longer interested in how your day went, leaving you with an unspoken question - are you dear to her as before? Every time you want to talk openly with him about problems that are painful for you, he answers with icy silence. He doesn't seem to hear you.

Lev Khegay explains this distance by the loss of interest in the partner as a person. When people want to build relationships, they begin to blur differences and find similarities: they are interested in literally everything in each other. However, in the moment of psychological separation that precedes the break, we, on the contrary, note discrepancies and avoid contacts in which we see no meaning.

“Often, distancing from a partner, leading to a complete loss of interest in him, turns out to be a neurotic repetition and acting out the crisis that we experienced in childhood, when we left the zone of influence of our parents,” says Lev Khegay. If the same thing is repeated with you in a partnership, this suggests that we unconsciously perceive the influence of the partner as destructive and overwhelming, as once parental, and we want to get rid of it.

“A partner showing that he is avoiding you is a form of passive aggression,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. “And one of the most painful for someone who is doomed to face the cold indifference of a loved one.”

3. Criticism

Constant criticism of a partner is one of the most serious threats to a relationship. You live with the feeling that a loved one is dissatisfied with you - he expresses it openly or jokes in such a way that it hurts you.

“A young woman, complaining of a lack of understanding in the family, admitted that she once called her husband sexually inadequate in response to criticism of her excessive extravagance,” says Bernstein. “In the end, these mutual accusations completely destroyed the trust with which, according to her, their marriage once began.” Lev Khegai associates this behavior with a loss of respect and calls it the ninth wave, capable of sinking a ship.

“If it is still possible to maintain business or functional ties with a distant person in whom we have lost interest, then it makes no sense to maintain contact with someone whom you do not respect,” he says. “It takes a lot of courage to go to meet your “enemy” and try to reconcile with him - give him recognition and start respecting him again.” Not everyone is ready for this inner work.

What to do?

“Attempts to impose on you a cloudy view of reality, a desire to isolate yourself, not to mention constant criticism, turn out to be rust, gradually destroying what was once so dear to you in each other,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. - Sometimes it is even more dangerous than betrayal - another common cause partings."

Indeed, we are ready to attribute a lot to difficult life circumstances, we can endlessly justify a partner, proving to ourselves that he has other, wonderful qualities. However, according to Bernstein, if this destructive triad is not resisted, the union is most likely doomed. Especially if, despite all attempts, the partner does not meet halfway, refuses to talk or does not even want to think about psychological help from the outside.

“But even if you decide to break up, it's important to talk to a specialist,” says Bernstein. “This will help you understand your role in the current scenario more clearly so that you don’t repeat it again.”