Bad advice for accountants. How to draw up a balance sheet incorrectly (bad advice). We quarrel with the authorities

Something has become boring in our group
Let's have a quick snack with cupcakes
Let's make coffee

or green tea, or maybe black tea, whoever likes it = everything for a snack
Let's laugh about our pain

Never do anything right the first time - otherwise no one will appreciate how difficult it was later

There are many ways to make a career, and the surest one is to be born into the right family.

Only accountants could determine the date of the beginning of the world.

From the lips of an accountant: “What are you all about?
No orgasm can compare with what you experience when the balance converges!

If you look like the photo in your passport, then it's time for you to go on vacation.

Don’t rush to throw away old registers and reports! Throw them away slowly, with pleasure.

I used to love books, but now NK is published.

If the tax audit takes a suspiciously long time, it’s time to make an accounting entry Dt04 Kt10.

If, when filling out the “payable” line of the declaration, the columns seem too narrow to you, it’s time to attend advanced training courses

If a black tax inspector with empty buckets crossed your path on the way to work, it's time to take a vacation

Rejoice, now the “Kama Sutra” has been printed for accountants - all poses in NK

***
The life of an accountant is divided into submitting a report and remembering it
and your freedom - VAT

And if it weren’t for taxes, what would we all be doing?

Murphy's Law for Accountants:
If the balance does not converge, then there is one error in it.
If the balance is correct, then there are two errors in it.

Money is harm. They keep us from loving the IRS.

If you break the rules, you are fined; if you follow the rules, you are taxed. (Laurence Peter)

I paid my taxes and sleep peacefully. On benches, in basements, at the train station...

Radio interception. Center to Eustace: “Pay your taxes urgently.”

It is easier to make an accountant out of a person than to make a person out of an accountant...

This is a service, not a service; service will come!

If your accountant pays all taxes regularly, let him receive his salary from the tax office

A tax inspector is a person who always comes to the rescue

A good accountant is expensive, a bad accountant is even more expensive

HARMFUL ADVICE

What to do if you don’t have time to submit your report on time

1. Tell your boss that your computer is not working well, apparently it’s an unfavorable geomagnetic day.

2. If they don’t believe you right away, clarify that most likely some program is to blame.

3. If this doesn’t work, as if by accident, throw a cup of sweet coffee, preferably with liqueur, onto the keyboard.
You still have to do the report, but assign the work to a computer specialist.
At the same time, be prepared for some noise and groundless accusations against you.

4. As soon as the computer technician restores everything, invite him to have coffee with you.
And again, now throw both cups onto the keyboard or monitor with a loud cry:
“Be careful, Vova, what did you do, I have a report!”

5. If you need to turn on the kettle and all the sockets are occupied, feel free to unplug the server’s power plug.
There should still be an uninterruptible power supply device, and if not, then the system engineer is to blame.

6. Ask one of your colleagues to explain how the scanner works, how to choose a sweet watermelon or insulate a balcony.
Immediately complain to your boss that you are being distracted from work with all sorts of nonsense just when you need to submit a report.

7. If this doesn’t work, delete a couple of important files.
First, the system specialist will simply restore them.
The second time - he will think about it.
On the third day, he will finally pay attention to you.
As soon as he starts to explain something, follow the second part of point No. 6.

8. Ask one of your fellow accountants to help you with the report.
Find a bunch of mistakes in his work, but don’t focus the author’s attention on them, don’t accuse your colleague of incompetence.
Just ask right away what educational institution he graduated from, how he got to this position and how long he has been doing this?

9. As a last resort, if the other eight methods do not help, without hesitation,
press different buttons on the keyboard, open a window, turn on the music and shout to your boss that it is simply impossible to work in such conditions.
In general we are mischievous

From the life of accountants /history/
***
One day they brought an invoice from a grocery warehouse to write off the goods. The invoice indicated several packs of seeds with the note “Eat by some rodent or pecked by some bird”!

***
Tax inspector to a young accountant: Why don’t assets and liabilities match up on your balance sheet? - Why should they agree? - But, excuse me, what about the principle of double entry? - Some people have double accounting, but for me everything is clean: no double accounting!

***
It is no secret that in a small enterprise an accountant does everything possible, and even submits such calculations as fees for negative impact on the environment. An explanatory note is attached to this calculation.
One of these notes read: “The source of water supply is the city sewerage system. Water is used for serving customers and cleaning the premises.”

***
One day a friend calls and asks how you are doing?

And that day my boss brought me to task; there was something he could understand in the reporting.
I say that’s it, I’m tired, I’m quitting, etc. the boss doesn’t understand and all that...
And she answers me and says that after what her new director gave her, all this is nonsense. She brought the reconciliation report to the director for signature, he looked at it for a long time and at the end he said the phrase...
I’ll step back a little and remind you that we sometimes write the word “balance” “from-to”.
So the director’s phrase sounded like this: “Well, what number do I see “from”, but what “to” you didn’t write?”

***
The next reporting period - everything is upside down... They ask me to hand over the calculator. I take the hole punch and hold it out... Now our hole punch will turn into a “Super Calculator”

***
Submitted quarterly reports to the statistics department.
Today the madam from there called and said: “Our program does not accept linear meters - please count the veneer piece by piece?!!")))

For dessert Tax dictionary
Alternative humorous tax dictionary. We invite you to add your own interpretations to the dictionary in the comments.

Act - a directed action to suppress the will of the subject and the ability to resist

Inspections are a training manual for a novice auditor to find violations of the law. In the sections: “And so it happens.” "Pearls".

Excise duty is a super tax. When regular taxes are not enough and the imagination is tight

Audit is a psychophysiological examination of a business entity. With diagnosis and treatment prescription. At the expense of the patient. Sometimes it’s forced.

Bankruptcy is an artificial tax legal technique to avoid paying off debts or a way to ruin a competitor.

Accountant - see miner. A step to the right - a step to the left..... With an undiminished risk with each repeated crossing of a passage that was once cleared.

Accounting is a club of persistent, courageous and resourceful professionals, risk-takers.

A tax is a chokehold, bloodlessly taking the lives of national and scaring away international business entities. It is more effective than combat JUDO strangulation techniques and the use of operational-tactical nuclear weapons.

Amendment to the tax law - you can’t figure it out without 0.5L of the national drink.

Checking - stress at the beginning, then due to circumstances or by order.
- planned – for planned budget replenishment,
- unscheduled - a means of social protection of the authorities from the disobedient.

Audit – requires expenses for snacks.

****
Nothing strengthens faith in a person like an advance payment


They gave me a salary for six months. It's a small thing, but nice.

BUSINESS PRAYER
office humor

Our Father, like him in the office.
May our work be easy.
May our bosses go on vacation.
May our will be done.
Same at work and at home.
Give us this day a day off.
And vacation for this week.
And holidays for this month.
And forgive us our absenteeism.
Just as we forgive our superiors.
Don't lead us into relegation.
But spare us the overtime.
For your kingdom lies in increasing wages and shortening the working day.
And give us Asya, without her this work would not be the kingdom of heaven.
And bury the system administrator under a host of floppy disks and compacts so that he can burn with a blue flame.
Spread, O Lord, heavenly tabernacles in the form of bars and pubs throughout the office, for this is the great blessing of your servants.
Do not leave, Lord, in the difficult hours of morning oblivion, give me strength
overcome headaches.
Make, Father, the whole world green, for green is the best color in your world, just like the color of American rubles.
Bring down a hail of dollars, euros and other benefits on our heads.
And take this our mite in the form of a prayer of thanks.
In the name of control, alt and holy divide.

Have a nice working week!

In any enterprise, an accountant is an important figure. Often, the activities of an organization, its successes and failures, the working atmosphere and the enthusiasm of employees depend not only on the professional qualities of the chief accountant, but also on his character and mood at any given moment.

We present a humorous selection of bad advice for accountants. Don't take this text too seriously, it's humorous. On the other hand, we hope that it will also be useful. Grotesque and irony often help us see some ordinary things in a new light, our own and other people’s mistakes, and also find a solution to correct them. So, we read, smile and do the opposite.

We involve inspections

To attract an unplanned inspection to an organization, you can use a whole range of activities. We present the most effective of them:

1. Start preparing reports 2-3 days before the deadline for submitting them, because you also have other work to devote a lot of time to reports.

2. “Sculpt” them quickly and in a hurry on the last day, and it’s okay if there are mistakes. That's why they are inspectors, let them sit and count.

3. If you do not understand something in the report forms, never consult experienced colleagues or advisory services of inspection bodies. They will also think that you are not a professional.

4. Letters from tax and statistical authorities, as well as from the khokimiyat, economic court and prosecutor's office, are sent to the trash without reading. What if they contain something unpleasant, why would you read them and get upset?

5. Never double-check information about your counterparties. If a significant part of them turns out to be unreliable, the tax authorities themselves will contact you and inform you about it. If you do not want to use this advice, we suggest that you familiarize yourself with the material presenting.

6. From month to month and from year to year, show losses in your reporting. Without receiving profitable financial results from you, the inspection authorities will be filled with curiosity about how your company still exists, and they will definitely come to you.

We quarrel with the authorities

The creative union between an accountant and his director must be unbreakable. They need each other and simply cannot do without each other. However, as in any friendship, there are crises in their relationships, often carefully hidden from prying eyes. If a crisis period has arrived, here are some tips on how to make it worse.

1. Bombard him with professional terms in which he is poorly versed. Let him feel his incompetence.

2. Report problems that arise with inspection authorities as soon as possible. Don't bother him over trifles. When he finds out everything, blame it on the inspectors themselves, the lack of work, the clueless assistants, and the director himself, who, in the end, distracted you all the time to other matters.

3. Be hostile to any innovations that he tries to introduce. These could be proposals for the introduction of new accounting programs, restructuring, changes in tariff or salary policies. He’s coming up with ideas now, and then you’ll have to formalize it all.

We turn employees against ourselves

Ordinary employees of any company constantly need something. Either give them a vacation, then take into account time off, then absenteeism, then they ask for financial help, then they want money for overtime. And some, not understanding anything about accounting, regularly express dissatisfaction with the accrued salary. And you need to sit with everyone, delve into their situation, look for the optimal solution, explain your actions and calculations, justifying them on the basis of current legislation and corporate practice... And simply explain on your fingers where what comes from, how much, where and why it goes. And anyway, an accountant will never be good for everyone. So isn’t it easier to immediately position yourself to be bad for everyone? Here are some tips on how to achieve this.

1. Scream, growl and bite everyone who approaches you with requests or questions during the period when you are preparing the annual report.

2. Take a hard line regarding the personal wishes of employees regarding the amounts and deadlines for issuing vacation pay and advances. Once you go to meet someone, everyone else will immediately sit on your neck.

3. Go on vacation without notifying anyone in advance. If your employees have any questions for you during this period, let them wait and you will resolve them later.

We have no doubt that none of the practicing accountants will take the advice given here literally and begin to be indignant: “Wow!!” Surely, based on their own experience, every accountant could add their own “bad advice” to this article. We invite you to share them in the comments to this publication.

Publications

Grigory Oster is a living classic of Russian poetry and simply a good person. He won’t give any bad advice! We offer you his wonderful recommendations, universally suitable for people of absolutely all professions.

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Well, it happens that you didn’t notice the extra little zero. Just think, the deal is closed - how many more of these deals will there be! In addition, the office does not yet know who was responsible for the increased budget. Maybe it will get through and they will decide that the culprit is your colleague Vanya. He always confuses everything.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important thing.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Spending time on social networks is not idle at all. You make connections, explore the world, thereby becoming a very valuable employee. And playing solitaire stimulates brain activity. Your boss is not against self-education of employees, is he?

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

General meetings are held precisely for this purpose - to constructively criticize other people's ideas. You shouldn’t voice your own - the airwaves are already full of strangers. The bosses are just waiting to quickly get an idea of ​​the weaknesses of the new project and quickly “go home” - criticize everyone, and they will only be grateful to you.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Don’t show initiative - it has never brought anyone any good. Otherwise, God forbid, they will be swamped with work - they will have to clear things out before midnight (if not before the New Year). Be a quiet ordinary employee, do not leave your desk.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

You’ve been working for six months now, and your salary still hasn’t been increased? Disorder! If you put a lot of pressure on your boss, he will definitely cave in. Just don’t take the increase home - go through a couple of your favorite stores. You need to love and pamper yourself, but investing in food and utility bills is unreliable. Everything will burn out anyway.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

In general, the corporate dress code is a relic of the past. Who cares about your appearance if you are already a wonderful employee. Don’t waste your time on trifles; it’s better to engage in constructive criticism of other people’s ideas or educate yourself while playing solitaire.

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people!
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Who said sharing is bad? On the contrary - it's wonderful! Encourage your colleagues - steal someone else's lunch from the shared refrigerator. The ideal option is for no one to see. It is unlikely that you will be suspected of being an unknown savior of other people's pieces. Doing good anonymously is an even more heroic act, so show valor without confessing.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

If a meeting drags on, even despite reasonable criticism on your part, you can speed up the process by challenging your colleague to a duel. Then everyone will definitely be distracted from uninteresting topics and will bet on the winner.

Apparently, it has historically developed that our accountant is the person who deserves, but too often does not receive, the respect he deserves. How many people do we come across who do an excellent job at their job, who solve intricate financial issues in a delicate manner and at the same time do not demand anything from themselves other than payment of wages on time (well, yes, also 28 calendar days of vacation). An accountant in a company is one of the key figures in the company. In many ways, the current and future well-being of the company, and therefore of many other employees who have their own needs, aspirations and other areas of life that require financial investments, depends on the quality of his work.

We can talk for a long time about this callous injustice, but we won’t. Let's just say that she also has a plus. If the merits of an accountant are not noticed, it means that what he does all his working day is not automatically noticed. Tell me, dear colleagues, is it really true that, apart from your lunch break, you don’t have one hour during the day when you can, as they say, “surf” the Internet? Yes, of course there is, let’s not lie – all of them are our own. Our article today is devoted precisely to this time and what can be used to fill it, not even from the point of view of benefits, but rather of a general, spiritual mood. We’ll give you some tips to get you started, but for now let’s note a few important nuances of being in the workplace.

What resources do you have?

To begin with, it is very important to understand on what days and in what time period you could take a little break from work. It is very important not to neglect your job responsibilities, because... It is thanks to them that you earn money and develop professionally. The phrase: “There is time for business, an hour for fun” fully and literally reflects this idea. At the beginning of the working day, it is advisable to decide on a list of things that need to be done. Having approximately counted the number of tasks, determine how much time you will need to complete them. Leave a small “reserve” for urgent and unpredictable tasks that may appear at any time. Even if they turn your work day upside down, don’t be upset. Tomorrow everything can definitely work out. By the way, one of our clients, a 1C 8.2 online user, shares his experience:

“So, why are you asking me this?.. Well, okay, I’ll tell you. In principle, I know what I need to do the next working day in advance. I try to come to work a little early. While no one is there, I quickly and efficiently prepare and by 9 a.m., when our working day begins, I am ready to work. Our employees are mostly very lazy. They wake up for the first hour of work and just pretend to be working. The director does the same. While they are putting themselves in order there, I am already all at work. So time passes until 12. After lunch I have very little to do and that’s it, I’m free! I make a plan for tomorrow and I have a whole 3 hours freed up. Sometimes I manage to go home earlier, sometimes I spend that time on the Internet until the end of the day - depending on the situation.”

Our respondent is a great guy - he doesn’t waste time just like that, but performs his duties in such a way that he has freedom of choice - either surf the Internet or leave work early (which is also not bad). Tell me, what's wrong here?

What's so interesting about the Internet?

And yet you will agree that wandering in the Internet space is not the most original thing we can come up with. Whether we like it or not, it already surrounds us everywhere. It is so huge that there is enough benefit and lack thereof to the same extent. The question is, what does our colleague most often search for on the Internet that is not related to his direct work:

Culinary recipes;

Horoscopes and dream books;

Articles like: “5 Rules of a Strong Woman”;

Information about personal health care products

Children and everything connected with them

We've probably missed something, but no one will argue that these topics are among the top five most popular queries. The problem, in our opinion, is that an accountant, when reading material on these topics, does not always get exactly what he wants. Yes, he is really interested in a lot of things, but due to the influx of this particular information, it is not possible (and it does not even occur to him) to look at anything else.

We never stop asking our colleagues what interests them in life, except for everyday topics. Clients of the “1C program for rent” service admit that they are interested in finding out what their colleagues in other countries do in their free time, what kind of houses they live in, and how much they earn. Some people like to look at exotic animals, while others want to learn digital modeling programs, but they never get around to it. In general, there are plenty of different options. In conversations, some complain that now it is “too late for them to study” and that they used to dream much more often than now. We thought and thought and decided to recommend the following...

Google maps

We repeat: not from the point of view of benefit, but for the sake of mood, you can and should periodically look at street panoramas. Why? The Google Maps service allows the user to “walk” through almost any city in the world. Not enough travel or not given Schengen? It doesn’t matter - you can see all the interesting sights, and even simple residential areas of any city in all their nature. Of course, we can’t talk about North Korea, Somalia or some areas of Syria, but to see the coasts of the Philippine Islands, the tops of famous mountains, as well as the depths of the ocean - why not? Agree, in a boring and dreary office, when almost all the work has already been done, why not travel, albeit virtually, and also indirectly get acquainted with the life of the local population (what they wear, how they walk, where they prefer to sit, what kind of cars are parked and much more). In fact, this service opens up opportunities for us to awaken our imagination, allows us to dream, and this is exactly what we all sometimes lack behind the thick fabric of routine life. The main thing is that you don’t need to break away from something or spend money – everything is in your computer!

Free library

There is an incredible amount of fiction and technical literature available online for reading. If, after time, you regret that your childhood dream of becoming a chemist did not come true, read the literature. Spare no effort to understand a subject that may be difficult for you. This, at a minimum, will distract you from everyday life, and at maximum, it will give you new knowledge and an incentive for more serious development. How might this be different from simply reading articles, you ask? That's right, because literature is something more fundamental than a short note on an interesting topic. Literature allows you to touch on the depths of a subject that interests you, as well as lead to more thorough thoughts, making you want to know the answers to more serious questions. Whatever the books, set yourself broad tasks. If you read works of fiction, then read not just selected authors, but all of them who wrote in a certain era. For example, in order to meaningfully understand works from the school curriculum, it makes sense to approach them anew, from the position of an adult. You probably shouldn’t just read Crime and Punishment, but it’s better to read all of Dostoevsky, including notes about him by his contemporaries, an alternative biography and letters to his friends. It would be great if you could read everything that was written in the second half of the 19th century and, against the background of this, evaluate the work of a particular writer. Set a goal to read, say, 30 pages a day. Not necessarily a lot, but every day. Over the course of several years, your knowledge base and spiritual world will only gain from this, but will not be lost.

Few?

You might want to say that you can come up with more interesting activities than “whirling” through panoramas and reading books. Of course, this can be allowed, because this is the individual choice of each of us. In any case, whatever the activity, it must be thorough. Understand that if you do something seriously and in parallel with your work, you will begin to look at it a little differently. Seeing the world around you will allow you to disagree with something from your existence, from bad habits; in the end, it “expands consciousness,” as it is fashionable to say now. Both reading and getting to know other cultures enriches us. Do you really think that invoices, invoices and the dissatisfied look of your boss do not affect your mental well-being? How they influence, but we’re already used to it... Tell me, by the way, do you have a hobby? It is quite reasonable that some experts believe that having and engaging in a hobby is simply necessary for the full development of personality (and it should develop throughout life)! If not, then find something you like. Spare no time and effort for this. We have offered you a couple of options - you cannot say about them that “there is not enough time” or anything like that.

We ask you cordially

... leave room in your life for dreams and for realizing at least a small part of the extraordinary in your life. This is what decorates her when everything seems so ordinary and “tasteless.” You just need to start, and the activity itself will help you get carried away with it for a long time.

Dear colleagues, at least try it first and you will understand how interesting it is!